Worried about Dad

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We lost my mum very suddenly and unexpectedly in August. She was 81, Dad is 83. I live 2 hours away with a full time job in education so time off during term time is not going to happen. DB lives 45 minutes away but also works full time with 2 young children.
The main problem is that Dad is practically deaf, and has been hard of hearing all his life. Now, because of his age, he has virtually no hearing despite wearing hearing aids. Doctors have said there is nothing that will improve it. Recently, his eyesight has deteriorated to almost dangerous levels, although he is booked for laser treatment in February which may help. Even so, at 83, its not going to restore much vision. He wants to stay in the family home, and won't leave his garden.

BUT. Despite us all, including mum when she was alive, trying to get him to use a phone to text, or a computer to email, he won't. So I have no way between visits to contact him. None. He could be lying injured on the floor and has no way to get help. There is a neighbour who I can message, but before all this I'd never met her or heard of her so it's hardly ideal. I'm so worried all the time. Social services have provided flashing doorbells, but he won't carry it so sometimes the neighbour texts me to say she rang, all the lights and tv were on, but he doesn’t answer.

We have never been close as you can't talk to him as he cannot hear, this has been the case since I was born. All communication was through mum, who text and emailed all the time. I write him letters but he won't write back. He cries all the time we see him and is lonely. He is lost without mum, they were together/married over 60 years. I'm struggling too, as is my DB, we all miss her dreadfully, she died so suddenly (we had to withdraw support, it was heartbreaking) that none of us got to speak to her, even Dad, as she was rushed semi-conscious to hospital and put on a ventilator, and of course Dad couldn't hear what was happening. I spoke to her just a few days before.

It's killing us all. I just want to have some direct communication with my own Dad. I feel so helpless. We always knew this could happen if mum died first, but he is so stubborn.

Think I just needed to vent.

If he is at risk of falls he needs to have one of those lifeline alarms which he can have on his wrist or pendant around his neck. At least then he could call for help. I have heard some people also have an Alexa set up in each room so that if he fell he could ask Alexa to dial you or your brother. This would at least give you some reassurance that he could let you know if he was on the floor. My 87 year old dad is extremely hard of hearing but does text/ message when needed and i would be worried if he couldn't do that so do understand your worries and frustration. We lost me mum very suddenly 17 years ago and like your mum was the one who did all the communication. I am not in the same situation as you at all as I am 2 minutes drive from my dad so can't imagine how hard it is for you.

I think that in this situation, I would contact the LA to make a Welfare visit. Usually they won’t do this before contacting the person first to ensure they are happy with a visit. In your Dads’ case this won’t be possible.

If you know his Doctor, they might be persuaded to add their voice. I had to get my Mum’s GP involved with her as she was not safe under the care of her. husband.

It might be worth speaking to AGEUK,they are very helpful.

Thanks. Getting him to use any kind of internet/tech product is just not going to work. He is 83 and has never used a computer. I'm not even sure about a phone because of his hearing. I've certainly never had a phone conversation him and I'm 53. Social care just say well he can cook for himself and wash, etc there is a small Tesco 300 yards away, he's OK. But it's the not being able to communicate with anyone. But the hearing and eye problems mean he can't even cross a road safely as he has no hearing, especially now a lot of cars are electric and now has no perception of distance he says, and everything is going dark.

Ugh. He has an occupational therapist visit in a couple of weeks which my DB is hoping to attend. I think, at the very least, we need a carer to visit every day. But he is so independent and set in his ways. I believe he could manage if it wasn't for his hearing. I would call him every day! He is so isolated and lonely. Being realistic, he is 83, deaf, sight impaired, frail, a man.....I don't expect him to get over this and make new friends and a new life. I just want him safe, and less lonely. He says that days go by without him seeing or speaking to anyone. It's so awful that he is having to cope with this completely heart breaking situation at his age. We are trying to help but then he accuses us of trying to control his money, get the house, etc, as we have LPOA. This is not true, we just want to help whilst also dealing with the loss of mum too.

The eye operation might help a bit and make his life safer.
As for the tech products, it sounds like you'll never change his attitude so I guess you'll just have to get creative.
I'm sure there are companies who have come up with solutions, so I'd check their websites for ideas and maybe book their services?

Some charities have befriending schemes . The national society for the deaf may be helpful. There used to be Social Workers for blind and deaf people. With all the changes I don't know if that is still the case. Would he consider day care?
I am so sorry for the situation you all find yourself in. It is so difficult.x

Falls alarm connected to the local council so they would send help to get him off the floor.

We have cameras for my dad (93) he developed epilepsy in 2024 and had 3 seizures in 8 months which was awful. I have cameras in the hallway, up and downstairs and kitchen and 2 living rooms. Means I can see that he is up and about as normal. I check them about 3-4 times daily. Gives me great piece of mind. Also helped for my in-laws when mil fell on the ground outside and couldn't get help. We spotted her on the camera and my husband phoned his dad who managed to get her up. She also list her handbag and we were able to follow it through the cameras in the house and see where she had put it and it got a delivery person arrested after they stole from my FIL.

Also consider a ring doorbell so you can see who is calling.

Apply for attendance allowance as he is at risk and needs help.

Fire service can link the fire alarms to a vibration device under the pillow.

Cameras saved us many wasted journeys

It sounds like he does have people close by who worry about him, like his neighbour. So a first step would be a keysafe/neighbour having a key.

You can't make him wear a pendant alarm unfortunately. My DM found the wrist band easier. However what has been most useful is a monitoring box in the kitchen which alerts if she hasn't got out of bed by her usual time or if the house is too cold. Hers came with the wrist alarm from Taking Care. She was very unwilling but now loves chatting to 'the people in the box' and it's boosted her confidence after a fall.

As he is so lonely, would a befriending service help? If his GP surgery has a social prescriber this sort of issue is what they deal with as they will know all the local services and charities. If no social prescriber then local branch of Age UK. There is likely a local charity for those with low vision as well.

Fire safety check is an excellent idea - fire services do it for free and install anything they think is needed.

When my mum had to be moved into care leaving my dad in very similar circumstances (deaf, never used the phone etc) we had a falls alarm installed from the local authority, had a cleaner twice a week which eventually became a carer 4 times a day, a befriender from a local elderly charity who they matched according to dad's interests and used a local charity for lifts to drs etc. We also looked into day care but dad wasn't interested as he was never a social person.

Thank you all so much for these ideas. I love the idea of a camera, not sure he would but compromises may have to be made.

We always, always knew this would happen if mum went first. But he just wouldn't accept that would be the case and refused to change.

Thanks again x

Thank you all so much for these ideas. I love the idea of a camera, not sure he would but compromises may have to be made.

We always, always knew this would happen if mum went first. But he just wouldn't accept that would be the case and refused to change.

Thanks again x

Hmmm posted twice - ooppps!

Oh what a sad situation, I feel so sorry for him.
If he has been deaf all his life how did he cope when younger? Can he sign or lip read? Are you absolutely certain nothing can be done to improve his hearing aids? I say this because sometimes elderly people make assumptions that there's no improvement to be made and refuse to persevere. My sister is deaf but younger and assertive. She finally got audiology to refer her to another hospital for specialist aids.

Agree about the befriending. Age concern do in person as well as telephone volunteer befriending.

I know someone locally who set up in business as a companion carer. She visits, takes the person shopping or out to lunch, whatever they like, rather than physical care. Perhaps something like that would help with the loneliness.

Ultimately though it's normal to be so very sad for a long time after losing their partner. If you can find ways to keep him safe that might be all you can do.

He can't sign, I think he lip reads a bit - mostly we just shout, have done all our lives, but you can't have a nuanced conversation. It has only been 4 months since losing mum, the first Christmas of course, I'm hoping things might get a bit better, especially when he can get back into his beloved garden.

AgeUK have an in-person befriending service https://www.ageuk.org.uk/services/befriending-services/

Also have a look at the RNID and RNIB websites to see if they have anything appropriate for your Dad.

His local Fire Service can visit and provide a doorbell/phone/smoke detector system for people with sensory issues. We have a Bellman system which uses a bed shaker and pager to alert the user.

His local council should have a Hearing Impairment team or similar who could be helpful, our local one is brilliant. What’s his council? You could google it and talk to them. See if they will link you in by video call when you are there. It’s great that he’s having an occupational therapy assessment as they should be able to link him in with local services.

In general, model what you want to see. Get your heads together with your DB and set goals together for what you think he needs, ideally with the Hearing Impairment team. He can be signed up with the local emergency services for a text 999 service and so that they are aware that a Deaf person lives at his address. Decide what tech you are going to focus on - maybe a Portal or similar tablet calling/video call set up, and every time you or your DB visit, call the other one in and have a chat together with your dad. Bash away at getting him to practice the text 999 service and/or the pendant alarm.

His local council should have a Hearing Impairment team or similar who could be helpful, our local one is brilliant. What’s his council? You could google it and talk to them. See if they will link you in by video call when you are there. It’s great that he’s having an occupational therapy assessment as they should be able to link him in with local services.

In general, model what you want to see. Get your heads together with your DB and set goals together for what you think he needs, ideally with the Hearing Impairment team. He can be signed up with the local emergency services for a text 999 service and so that they are aware that a Deaf person lives at his address. Decide what tech you are going to focus on - maybe a Portal or similar tablet calling/video call set up, and every time you or your DB visit, call the other one in and have a chat together with your dad. Bash away at getting him to practice the text 999 service and/or the pendant alarm, whatever is most important.

Great information here.

My DF is on his own after the sudden loss of my DM earlier this year. I'm lucky I'm only 30 minutes away from him.

DF has an alarm on his wrist and gets on fine with it. He has a cleaner which he was resistant to initially, but she is such a lovely lady that he enjoys seeing her.

He also has discovered his local church around the corner. Is there a church near your dad? They have lots of activities and friendships groups particularly for the elderly that might be worth investigating?. It's been really great for my dad.

Such a worry for you

Thinking of alternatives to the above (which are all great suggestions btw), is there any chance he'd have a live-in housekeeper? It's often occurred to me that when elderly people are on their own, they could provide accommodation for someone in need who could also provide daily care, whether or not that's in addition to other paid employment. Just a thought.

I second the camera option. We installed them in Dad's house when our mum died a couple of years ago. We got Blink cameras and have to pay £8 a month. It's well worth it, we've only got them downstairs (for privacy) but it means i can check he's up etc. I check them several times a day for peace of mind. It sounds v similar to your situation just for different reasons - my dad is lonely but can't socialise (becsuse of alzheimers rather than deafness). The cameras are a godsend.

Thanks everyone, these ideas are great and will give me something to consider going forward x