Struggling with mother in law

[executrixnightmare]

My mother in law has always been a little manipulative and has told many lies over the years playing one side of the family against the other. She is now in her mid 90s and living in a care home. She has adapted quite well and is physically very well.
She can be confused at times and we have a diary and calendar to try to remind her of things. Over the last couple of weeks there appears to have been a sharp decline in her reasoning and cognitive ability. Christmas Day and today have been horrific - accusing us of all sorts (untrue), sobbing hysterically and inventing stories about silly things. I lost it today with her as she also tries to blame either me or DH if we are not ‘suitably’ falling in with her ramblings.
I’m not proud of losing it but I am finding it hard to unravel whether this is dementia or game playing and how to react when she is being vicious and inflammatory.
There has been no formal assessment which I think needs to happen but any advice on coping strategies?
I struggle to just play along and agree with her when her statements are so outlandish or hurtful.

She might need some anti psychotic meds

Ask the team to have her checked out by the Dr

Oh it’s really difficult. If she is generally better than this, maybe a medical check re UTI? Has her GP looked at her mood recently, maybe antidepressants?

In general I’d say agreeing plus distraction, but it sounds like she’s more able than that stage. Good cop bad cop? One of you agrees with her and starts telling the other one off? Only if fully agreed beforehand?

Will she let you hold her hand, do her nails, her hair? Affectionate touch may cut through where words don’t.

Ah - thank you. Hadn’t considered that. I will speak to the home next week when it returns to normal workings x

Thank you both. I need to react better (or not react at all). UTI ruled out last week but I think a once over from the doctor would be advisable - preferably with input from us as she will be all sweetness and light with them!

Give up on the need to be right...you have to go native or you'll go mad yourself.

I also think ask about uti and/or a visit by the doctor/cmht to check her out and maybe adjust meds.

Just leave if it's too much, there's nothing to be gained by losing the plot.

Needs to be checked for a UTI.

If it’s cognitive decline or dementia then you have to go with flow and not disagree or lose it. Whatever they come out with you, you just have to say, “Oh really?”. Ask a few questions and get them to talk about it.

Contented Dementia is a good book.

Get a repeat UTI check, and make sure it's a culture not just a dip test.

i will ask for a repeat UTI as it was just a dip test. Thank you everyone for your good advice. I think your suggestions are really helpful and you are all right. I need to abandon trying to correct her- it doesn’t help anyone.
Thank you all so much

Agree with others. The contented dementia book is great. Its hard to change mind set but with dementia, focus of communication needs to change to be more to do with making connections rather than the message someone is saying. She's wanting to make a connection and engage in social conversations that gives meaning. That's alot easier to say than do though especially if she has a history of manipulation. Using things that gives a focus for her to talk about like photos or music can make it a bit easier sometimes