80 year old mum drinking a lot

[furusato]

Mum is great, very healthy, active, U3A, involved with her neighbours, has friends. But.. she is binge drinking quite regularly. I call her to check in daily, at her request as it’s comforting, and I was passing and she didn’t answer so I popped in. Paralytic staggering about very upset and feeling ashamed. I think she’s bored and lonely in the evenings. I’m the only child nearby and in the country. How do I tackle this with her and help her? I’m worried she’ll fall down the stairs and do real damage. Anyone else have an elderly parent who’s drinking has escalated?

Yes. Although they had nightcaps all their lives. I don't think the drinking escalated. The amount is the same but due to less appetite, lower weight and medication, the alcohol has more of an effect.

I have 'suggested' cutting down (using meds as the reason so they wouldn't be offended) but apparently it helps them sleep. They are definitely drunk but not ashamed.

You could get her GP to mention that it doesn't mix with the meds if you're concerned.

I haven’t been in this position but it’s probably already on their mind and they won’t be super surprised if you mention it. Maybe if you discuss an achievable way forward hopefully they will be open to discuss. I guess it’s possible they will defensive but in their heart of hearts they will know they can’t carry on drinking the same amounts.

Thank you. It’s so hard because I’m there for those tough times 3 am phone call to A and E that takes lsitting up all night in hospital with her if needed. Of course I’ll do that willingly and I love her but this is so frustrating because she’s putting herself in danger with something that she needs to tackle herself, I suspect she’s become dependent on alcohol as a way of soothing her way through loneliness in the evenings and boredom. It’s just got to a point where I’m really worried.

A middle aged friend of mine drinks quite a lot since she lost her husband. She is restless and awake during the night and then sleeps late in the morning, but if she drinks, she sleeps through the night.

It worries her because its a vicious circle.

When I ask what keeps her awake, its a mix of grief and feeling unsafe when she's alone in the house at night.

She installed a new house alarm which helps put her mind at rest.

Does your mother say why she drinks? Is there anything she can do in the evenings to help alleviate the boredom e.g larger piece jigsaws or crafts?

She doesn’t say why she drinks but I think it’s loneliness and boredom in the evening. I’ve left her to sleep it off now and will speak to her in the morning about it. Not sure a bit of tough love or tenderness is the approach. I myself quit drinking 6 years ago as I couldn’t manage sensibly drinking anymore so I know it is difficult. I also know only you can deal with it and no amount of someone else nagging at you makes a difference. I sense from whst she said to me when I found her drunk that she is ready to face up to the fact she has a problem.

Unfortunately I had this with my dad too after my mum passed away. He went from having a can of beer a night to 5 cans plus half a bottle of whiskey. He would start drinking earlier and earlier in the day and it was five years of hell. Despite me going every day without fail and sleeping there three times a week he wouldn't listen. His health suffered along with his mobility. I tried to get him interested in a local lunch club etc but ultimately the drink filled the massive hole that my mum's passing had left. It's not easy x

@Nomotivationanymore50 that sounds really hard.

just spoken to mum on the phone now. After I checked on her I’d come home (just down the road) and I left her a note. She called me and we had a good chat about drinking. She can’t even remember me coming round to the house, she was so drunk.

She has not for the first time said that she will stop drinking but that usually doesn’t last too long before she does drink again. Not a great time of the year to quit the booze either, but I will have a chat with her over the weekend and see what I can do to help her make a decision about what she wants to do.

Would she drink non alcoholic drinks?
Does she drink wine or spirits?

Do you think a change of living arrangements might be in order so that she has some company if she wants it? Or maybe a companion animal?

Could you get her some non-alcoholic versions of whatever she drinks. There are some quite good non/low alcohol options now.

Drink is often a comfort but obviously is also addictive and difficult to replace without a change and something else to fill the gap..

Can she move to something lower alcohol? My mum went from cognac to port, still drank same volume but half the alcohol. Or use measures for spirits, its always more than you think.

It'll be difficult, I'd say she needs an easy way to drink less rather than needing self control.

It’s always white wine and she drinks it really fast so gets pissed. She will often only buy herself two mini bottles as she knows she will drink what she has, but she’d bought the wine for Xmas today so just drank a whole bottle. I don’t think subbing non alcoholic drinks is the answer. I think she has become addicted and will need to quit (if she want to and she says she does). She says she never intends to drink more than a couple but then she always does.

I have very recently broached the topic of moving to a retirement village type set up to future proof her older years a bit and I think socially it would be a good move. She presently lives alone in our big family home and I think she is feeling a bit isolated.

Non alcoholic wine then!

I once substituted vodka with sprite which was definitely noticed by the vodka drinker but wine should be easier to switch.

If she is concerned she might try this.., it would be particularly effective as she’s a fast drinker and may be easier to implement than quitting?

Some people who want to reduce but not eliminate alcohol follow what's called the “1-2-3” rule for drinks: No more than one drink per hour. No more than two drinks per occasion. No more than three drinks per day.

I realised at one point that my frail, disabled, housebound mother (also in her 80s) was often drinking a bottle of white wine a day after my father died. She was bored, lonely, in pain, and for many reasons really had had enough of life. I could sympathise, and would have left her to it, but the falls were getting more frequent and more serious. She always fell in the evening, and there would always be a glass of wine on the table.

After the third or fourth time, when she spent 12 hours lying on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood and urine, waiting for the ambulance (I was sitting with her but couldn't get her up myself) I had to have a serious word with her and point out that while she might want to drink herself to death, she was causing herself and me, and everyone around her distress in the process.

She did then stop drinking, but missed it, and on her deathbed was asking for wine.

I am sure loneliness must be a big factor in alcohol misuse by elderly people, so if she would consider a move to somewhere less isolated, that might help. You could also offer her some low-alcohol alternatives if it is just a habit thing.

Had a big chat with mum this morning who is mortified she was so drunk. She was all never drinking again etc. as happens after a binge. Told her some home truths about the risk this poses ref falling down stairs and harming herself. Chatted about using alcohol to deal with feelings and addiction etc and I’ve recommended a book for her to read. No idea if any of this made an impact. Told her only she can decide what to do but I can support her to quit the drink if that’s what she decides. She feels like a stranger to me at the moment and that’s really sad.

You’re not alone: my mum is slightly older and her alcohol consumption hasn’t been triggered by a major life event. Maybe a thousand small cuts but also we just have a very addictive trait in our family.

One thing is, you cannot fix it. It’s also not your responsibility, and no amount of rationalising is going to help because alcohol is very, very high on the addiction barometer: cheap, habit forming and socially acceptable.