Elderly Neurodivergent parents

[Spoldge45]

Hi, I just wondered if anyone else has a Neurodivergent elderly parent and how you navigate things.

My Dad 75 is autistic, very regimented in terms of routine, shows no emotion or care towards anyone else, can be quite controlling & secretive and does also have a bit of a nasty streak. My Mum has has a number of health issues as well as severe OCD and anxiety & I suspect this may also be linked to autism/ADHD.

Growing up, I had a very non-typical childhood with very emotionally unavailable parents. This meant that sadly as a family we have never been close. They were simply never there for me when I needed them either as a child or an adult and have never shown any interest or care towards my now 16 yr daughter.

We get on okay, but there is no closeness/affection or bond and my daughter doesn't really want anything to do with them now, which is very sad, but I see her point of view as they have always regarded her as a bit of an inconvenience & I cant shield her from this as I used to be able to do when she was younger.

What worries me, is they both seem to be ageing very rapidly for their respective ages (Both 75) Which from the limited research that there is available seems to be typical for many nuerodivergent people, with much higher rates of dementia/general cognitive decline etc..

I just wondered if anyone else has any experience of this as I'm worried about how I'm going to handle things going forward.

There is a lot of help and support for young people with neurodivergence, but there doesn't seem much available at all for older folk, probably many of whom are living undiagnosed.

I'm mid forties and many of my friends now have aging parent and have worries and concerns about them, but I don't know anyone dealing with the neurodivergent aspect alongside this and I must admit I'm feeling quite isolated and lost.

Do you have to do anything OP? I mean, are you thinking in terms of care or your relationship with them?

In my experience, all the traits that made them distant/controlling/anxious will intensify as they get older.

If you are going to up the level of contact and care you provide I would say it will be hard work for you, you will see them become more difficult and unpleasant and there will be nothing in it for you. I'm being brutally honest here and obviously this is only my experience and things may be different for you.

My best advice would be to focus on your boundaries. Consider what you are reasonably able and willing to do and stick with it. Their old age could go on for decades and impact on your precious days and time with your DD. It doesn't sound as though your parents deserve that much from you.

I have nothing to offer except empathy. I'm AuDHD. I suspect both my parents (early 70s) are autistic. DF's wife recently had an ADHD diagnosis. DGM (mid 90s) is almost certainly ADHD with an autistic flavour. Their ND traits have come out more and more as they've aged. High need for control, which can tip over into manipulation, rigid beliefs, stubbornness, in the case of DGM and DF. Anxiety and a high need for company and contact that exceeds my capacity and energy (DM). I am always left feeling guilty about being unable to meet their needs as well as work full time and look after my own family and animals. None of them have ever had much capacity for empathy for anyone else, but are paradoxically not unkind people either. Their way of caring has always just been very practical. But as they get older, they can't do that, so I'm just left with parents that I know do love me, but can't really relate to me. They don't recognise their own ND or accept mine. We are all just a bit odd, apparently! And you can't help an undiagnosed ND parent with something they don't think they need help with, even if said help did exist.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, is all I can say. Sit with the discomfort of the guilt, don't let it pull you into doing things you've said no to, or pouring from an empty cup. And awareness that if they have capacity, that may include making decisions we may think are frankly batshit, and we don't understand, and may worry us, and we can't rescue them. It's uncomfortable, but I can accept their sovereign right to make such decisions while not enabling it either.

Try to talk them into setting up PoA for health and finances before they lose the ability to make decisions.

Have either of your parents formally been assessed for ND because at that age it would be very unusual to have a diagnosis.

Also wondering if they are actually diagnosed or whether OP is an amateur armchair clinician. A lot of what is described would be typical for people of older generations, being regimented, controlling, unemotional, OCD like in regards to ‘everything having a place’. This sort of stuff naturally digs in deeper as people age and also if they start on a dementia path as a means of feeling in control in a world that is becoming frightening. If I look at my grandparents (born around 1900) and their ‘normal’ behaviour, most armchair enthusiast would probably declare them all neurodivergent, yet they were typical of their time. I believe there is still a lot of crossover in today’s older generation with these behaviours as ‘typical’ vs them being labelled neurodivergent.

@CrazyGoatLady thank you for sharing; you’ve captured many aspects of how it is with my DM. All of what you say and then to add to the thread: I am currently trying to support DM with health issues and she presents classic female ASD and it’s REALLY hard as her interoception is so lacking.

OP - I hear you. Lots of undiagnosed neurodivergence out there - probably the case for my mother too. Yeah sure it could be something else but from childhood she'd off the scale demand avoidance, difficulty reading people, struggled to make friends, high anxiety, stimming etc Twas no wonder she was so controlling as the world was a frustrating place for her and she'd have had more help now, I think.

Lots of boundaries - do what you feel you need to but protect yourself.

What preparations have your parents put in place for their elderly care . If nothing leave them to it .

@CrazyGoatLady Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. You have summed things perfectly, a very similar situation to mine. The hardest thing I find, is that its mentally very hard 'caring' for parents that didn't care for you, because its just a feeling that doesn't just come naturally, it feels a forced & unnatural thing to do & that's really hard.

As I've become more educated on neurodivergence, i have tried to be more compassionate & understanding towards them and their needs, but I have always had the stance that I wont put them before my own family.

When my daughter was a baby & I really needed some support I didn't see or hear from my parents at all & I know I have to be the bigger person and just forget that, but its really tough.

What you said about ridgit beliefs & stubbornness & manipulation, pretty much sums my Dad up to a tee!

Its one of those situation, where I know there is no easy solution, but it does help, knowing that i'm not alone!

@HoppingPavlova My Mum has an official diagnosis of OCD & has had this for over 20 yrs, she has tried various medications/CBD's etc...but nothing has worked.

My Dad isn't officially diagnosed as autistic & at his stage in life, probably never will be, but he has all the traits, he is has been an obsessive train spotter his whole life (putting this obsession before his family on many occasion) he has no friends (sadly, but equally doesn't seem to want any) is very ridgit in his thoughts & process, has virtually no empathy or understanding for anyone else's need. He is very resistant to any kind of change.

THB at this point, from a self preservation point of view & for my own mental health I have to really hope that he is autistic, because if he isn't, then I have to face the reality that he just isn't a nice person as he can be incredibly selfish sat times & he certainly hasn't been a good Father.

@mathanxiety I would love to be able to set up a POA as I can already see that they are starting to struggle with finances, especially where technology is involved (emails/online banking etc...)but my Dad is very secretive & controlling & would never accept anything like that.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply:)