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Elderly parents

Trying to help my elderly aunt but she's determined not to take advice

10 replies

Salome61 · 11/12/2025 16:13

My Mum died aged 65 in 2000. She had always looked out for her younger sister, my aunt, and I have tried my best for the past 25 years. I am 350 miles away from my aunt and I am very very lucky she has such a selfless kind neighbour. This neighbour is also her freeholder for the flat my aunt owns.

Last year at the age of 87 she announced 'she wanted to move to the assisted living place I'd taken her the year before'. I said I would help her and asked her to find her lease - she didn't know where it was. I ordered one on line for her and found out her lease years were only 74. I went to hell and back helping her to extend her lease - in the end it cost me £1K because I offered to pay her freeholder's solicitor fees, and the lease cost my aunt £10K. I know this was all the money my aunt had in her savings.

The lease finally came through this year on her 88th birthday in May. I was visiting at the time and had taken her out for lunch with her neighbour. She was very coy when she suddely said 'I've decided I'm not going to move after all'. I couldn't believe it. The assisted living organisation charge £1,500 per month including bills and food with the exception of council tax. Her pensions would cover the majority of this and she wouldn't have to spend much of her capital. She said she was 'scared she'd run out of money'.

So at 88 she continues to live on her own in her owned one bed flat on the ground floor of an old house. She had a fall last week. She wasn't carrying her mobile but does have a care alarm she wears. Unfortunately it seems the company that run the alarm were overwhelmed that day - she lay in her garden for two hours before help came.

She is now saying she will 'go into a care home' when she is ready - but how is she going to pay for it?

Any advice welcome, thank you.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 11/12/2025 16:25

Her flat will be sold and that money will pay for the care home.

when she runs out then social services will assess her and if they assess her as needing a care home at that point they will either take over paying the fees or move her somewhere else.

if they feel she does not need a care home but the money from her home is gone they’ll need to house her to move her out.

rookiemere · 11/12/2025 16:56

Contact local social services to do an assessment of what she needs. It may be that she needs some daily care and assistance. This may or may not be paid for, but they usually work on the premise of trying to keep the person in their own home living independently as much as possible.
I would also encourage her to set up power of attorney for you for both finances and health and welfare.
I suppose the good side is that she is on a ground floor in an appropriately sized property with someone to look out for her on hand. That’s more than many elderly people have.

Mosaic123 · 11/12/2025 17:09

And you got her lease extended making her flat far more salable and definitely worth more, so your efforts won't have been wasted if she does go into a care home.

Well done.

Salome61 · 11/12/2025 17:13

Thank you for replying, much appreciated. I do have LPOA with her neighbour for both Health and finance, jointly and severally.

I did ask her is she would like me to organise a falls assessment today and she refused. My Mum used to ‘tell her what to do’ apparently and she ‘doesn’t need anyone to do that’. She missed a lot of school as a child and my late Mum was protective of her.

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PermanentTemporary · 11/12/2025 18:07

The stage where elderly people decide to move, then change their minds, imo can go on for years. It’s difficult, because if you think they should move, you inevitably get invested in it and rush around helping.

I’ll be honest, her current setup sounds ok. It also sounds like she will immediately pull back every time you get involved with a move. I’d try to avoid it really.

rookiemere · 11/12/2025 19:08

Honestly I would do as little as possible then. Many old people are impossible and will suck the life blood out of you and all modifications and extra care is added beyond the point of need.

Musicaltheatremum · 12/12/2025 08:53

Ho old is she. I'm sorry for the loss of your mum so young. If this was her younger sister she sounds very frail for someone in her late 60s. Hope you get things sorted.

TheTowerAtMidnight · 12/12/2025 09:03

Musicaltheatremum · 12/12/2025 08:53

Ho old is she. I'm sorry for the loss of your mum so young. If this was her younger sister she sounds very frail for someone in her late 60s. Hope you get things sorted.

It's right there in the first post that she is 88.

Salome61 · 13/12/2025 18:11

Thank you everyone, I won't be suggesting she move again.

She doesn't appreciate anything I do and I do find it depressing. I sent her a Lindt advent calendar and tin of chocolates to go with her Downton DVD, and when I rang to check they had arrived she just said 'I have rather a lot of chocolate here'. I would be delighted if someone sent me a big tin of Lindt!

She has assured me she is set up with food/milk etc for Christmas - she orders from Parsley Box who deliver ready made meals/puds etc. Her lovely neigbour does an awful lot for her and last year before she went off to her 92 year old widowed Mum's asked if my aunt needed anything. My aunt then made a big fuss about not having any bread over Christmas and made the neighbour feel bad. Horrible games, I'm glad I'm so far away.

Happy Christmas!

OP posts:
Salome61 · 19/12/2025 20:44

Just a quick Merry Christmas to you all from me, wishing you all a happy and healthy 2026.

I have blocked calls from my aunt for a few days, she sucks the life out of me and I want to relax for a few days before the Christmas Day phone call :)

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