Fuming

[Saskia22]

I’m in my 50s have a wonderful partner of ten years and a fantastic 19 yr old son. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder two years ago due to childhood emotional abuse which was from my mother. I’m an only child and lost my lovely dad a year and a half ago after a long illness. Late last night we were in bed asleep and were both woken by my phone receiving a txt. It was my mum. The txt was a link to a dating site for over 50s!! I showed my partner. I txt mother back saying ‘ I’m not happy, we were asleep, why are you sending me this rubbish? ‘ it suddenly dawned on me that maybe it wasn’t aimed at me but that she’d been messing around with her phone been on dating apps and accidentally sent me the link. She’s a nightmare with her phone. Doesn’t even know how to take a photo but can send me links at 11:30 at night. It could have caused my partner a lot of upset, thinking I’ve been chatting to mum about looking elsewhere, which I most certainly haven’t. When my poor dad was ill and had to have carers in at home she got respite for herself and went out with her best friends ex husband to see a show, have a meal. My dad never knew but it would of broken him. I was disgusted with her at the time. She hasn’t even tried to reach out or apologise. I’m an only child and go round twice a week to do cleaning and meds. Thing is, I think she’s making me ill. Yesterday she criticised my son to me saying how disrespectful he is to her. He isn’t. He does the occasional job for her and to help me. She will hover over him, tell him he’s doing it wrong etc. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know why she would be on dating apps, she barely leaves the house. Feel like she just wants the next victim to do all her jobs. She has always been jealous of me. How do I handle this going forward?

Stop listening to her.
Stop answering texts in the middle of the night. Why is the phone on so you can hear it? Most of what you’ve written about is under your control. Who cares if she’s on dating sites?? Let her get one with it. Stop reacting to her nonsense.
And why would your partner of ten years suddenly believe that you might be looking elsewhere? Does he not trust you? Surely he would know immediately that this is just some stupid nonsense of your mothers?
You are allowing her way too much headspace.

Block your mother's number. She was abusive and has blighted your life. You owe her nothing. She can only affect your mental wellbeing if you allow her to.

Sorry to sound blunt but, really, it's the only way. You might also like to look at the Out of the Fog website (FOG being Fear, Obligation and Guilt, common themes for adult survivors of abusive parenting) - Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD.

Hope this helps. x

You need some distance and to break this up as it’s all mixed up here.

Boundaries go both ways. You need them. Who she dates and when is none of your business. I am sorry for your loss but your father is dead. Old people need love too. Some even get horny. It’s natural and human.

Overnight you can turn your phone on silent or mute your mum specifically or put your settings on do not disturb.

Boundaries for her - you can set one that you don’t want her criticising your kid in front of you. Tell her that and hold her to it like you would a child with consequences: ‘if you criticise X he won’t be coming next week’. Or you can hold another boundary that if she does this, you don’t let it get to you.

Finally I think you need to do some self-talk on your mindset. No one can ‘make’ you sick (unless they pin you down and inject you with poison). People can just act in ways that trigger us and we can control those interactions, though we cannot change people. You are not a victim. Maybe you were as a child but you are not a child now. You are an adult and in control.

Put your phone on do not disturb overnight.

Set some clear boundaries with her.

I think you’re overreacting. Yes it’s annoying to be woken up at night, but it was obviously a mistake, especially as you say she is not very good with her phone. If you don’t want to be disturbed at night, just put your phone on silent.

I also think you are being unfair about the evening out your mother had while your father was ill. For years in his 80s my father was a carer for his wife who was blind and had dementia. He absolutely needed the little respite he had.

Her treatment of your son sounds unjustified and needs to be tackled, but that is rather different.

What support have you accessed for your BPD?

You mum was emotionally abusive to you as a child and you are now dealing with the consequences of that.

Why are you visiting her twice a week to do her cleaning and meds? You owe her nothing and she can employ professional carers in to do that. She has the cheek to criticise her grandson when he's doing a job for her.

She is rude, ungrateful and abusive so please pull right back from her. Block her on your phone and hopefully you will be able to get a full night's sleep.

This, with bells on 👍

Thank you for all of your replies. I have set boundaries.