Very upset and confused

[Icecreamlover63]

Good Evening,
My Mum is in a care home. She has been there since January 2023.
she has vascular dementia and her condition is upsetting and horrible.
My Mum cannot walk and hasn’t walked since December 2022.
My Mum is double incontient.
My Mum cannot hear at all.
My Mum has now lost the ability to talk.
She is constantly coughing it actually sound like she has a permanent chest infection and does not recognise either myself or my brother.

She has been on end of life care since July 2025. Anticipatory drugs have been prescribed by her GP and are at the home and are ready. Sadly she has as few bed sores and even though the home turn her they are not healing at all
Right now she has 400ml of fluids daily and the tiniest amount of porridge daily.

I literally feel like this is cruelty beyond words. As lots of people read these posts I would be very interested to know … if your parent was in this situation, how long did they live for?
it’s very disturbing to watch anyone go through this and I know my brother is finding it very difficult.
so any feedback would be gratefully received.
Thank you

It sounds like she had a very peaceful end, was well cared for and saw the ones she loved. I think that sounds like a good death and I hope you can get some comfort from how she went

It’s been a couple of weeks since my Mum passed away. But I’m not as sad as I thought I would be. Mum was so ill for the last six months of her life and to be honest it was a blessed relief when she passed away. She has not recognised me for over six months and there was no reaction from her every time I visited. I feel so bad for feeling this way but I’m so relieved she is finally at peace and not in pain anymore.
I’m so worried that people will find me cold because I’m not.

Not at all cold. Your feelings are perfectly valid and very understandable. This is both a lovely thread and a terrible thread! It reminds me how lucky I am to live in a country which has legalised euthanasia.

@Icecreamlover63 I am sorry for your loss. Your reaction is perfectly normal. You will have been grieving long before your Mum died and it does help to spread the grief rather than having it in one big lump, if that makes sense. Your Mum is at peace and pain free which is a relief from having to watch her struggle.

Be kind to yourself and don’t worry about what other people think.

My mother went through very similar to yours. I had been grieving the last 2 years of her life so totally understand your feelings of relief. The people who know you will have known what you have been going through and will completely understand your feelings of relief.
Having done most of the grieving before she died allowed me to access the happy memories of how she use to be much sooner than the depths of sorrow of a sudden death so please don’t be worrying about what other people think.

People who think you are cold do not understand what you have been through, and what your mum went through. Those of us who have been in similar situations with a parent understand perfectly how you feel. Be kind to yourself.