Does anyone else feel so alone?

[Cloudninelau]

I am a Mum of three children. 20, 17 and 9. My parents are both 80. I live about 30 mins drive away. I work full time and am busy looking after everyone.

My brother has 4 children, doesn't drive and does minimal for my parents. This year he has seen them 3 times so far. One of those times I drove him there and back. In contrast I see them at least once a week usually more. I do all oversight of medical and financial. Had a crisis recently in that they were both ill suddenly. I just felt so alone. He didn't even call or seem interested. My husband is very supportive of his own side but not mine. He seems to delight when anything goes wrong with my parents or my brother so I feel like I can'ttell him anything. I just feel like everything is on my shoulders. I have told my brother several times how I feel but nothing changes. I've tried being calm, getting angry and even shouting but nothing. Is anyone else feeling alone? I know things will be worse as thier health declines and it scares me so much. Xx

So sorry to hear that @Cloudninelau
That really is tough.

I’m going through something similar, but at least I have a little help from my siblings. I think you need to sit down with your DB (and maybe your DH also) and calmly insist on more support. Draw up a rota? Tell them you cannot carry on like this.
Sending hugs and solidarity x

Unfortunately you have to create your own boundaries. You're not responsible for your parents and neither is your brother , each is responsible for how they wish to be and how much responsibility they wish to take on. I'm the youngest of 6, other siblings made their decisions years ago as to how involved they were going to be, so anything that became unmanageable for the one who lived closest was handled by adult social services when it was needed. My dad died at the end of September, my mum has advanced dementia and has been in full time care for over 18 months. No amount of running round exhausting ourselves would have changed that. We learnt that you make your own decisions and you can't make others decisions for them

Sorry you feel like this - it’s more common that you think! My grandma just passed and my Dad took most of the care for years. Siblings lived further away and just turned up when it suited them. I would just plan everything as far ahead as possible. Plan every scenario with him formally and get him to realise the seriousness of it all. Don’t organically just take on more caring responsibilities, get him to realise that when your parents get worse and he doesn’t step up then there are consequences, whatever that means in terms of your/his family/finances.

Your anger is misplaced. What plans have your parents made to cope as they age? Growing old and frail shouldn’t come as a surprise. Do they have carers, cleaners, online delivery, gardener, local handyman, hospital transport, taxi contract, pharmacy delivery etc? Now’s the time for them to use any assets and pay for help to let you prioritise your own family. What more will be expected when one is left alone?
I wouldn’t want my busy adult DC drawing up rotas fgs. Ridiculous. Put me in a home and live the prime of your life.

I wouldn’t want my busy adult DC drawing up rotas fgs. Ridiculous. Put me in a home and live the prime of your life.

I agree. And that's after also running myself ragged as a solo working mum taking care of my ageing parents.

This is the absolute opposite to what my DM used to say. She was adamant that nobody in the family would end up in a home..but she had a shock when me and my siblings refused to move back home to look after her and DF. I was plagued with guilt for years over this. We did what we could for her though and there wasn't any money to pay for a care home and my house was too small to accommodate her and DF. Eventually she passed away and DF is on his own but not at home, he moved somewhere else. Going into care is not always possible.

Is your brother capable of anything? If so, tell him what needs to be done as and when. Most people don't go into care homes. Speak to your parents and find out what they want and how it might happen. Many people experience exactly what you are going through. There's no easy answer but trial and error.

I’m most struck by your husband’s attitude. What do you mean by taking delight in things going wrong? Is he sympathetic about the impact on you, at least? Were your parents unpleasant to him when you got together, did they ever get on?

How frail are they - what did they need from you when they both got ill? Do they need a social services care assessment?

This. Have you spoken to your husband about this unsupportive attitude of his? What do you think is behind it? I confess that I get a bit impatient with DHs side of the family (their family dynamics are very different to mine, his parents put nothing in place and seemed to make one bad decision after another which had me 🙄 quite often). But to ‘delight’ in it? Does he disapprove of your parents in some way, and is happy / smug to be proved right when they mess things up?

I feel your pain. One sibling sees my DM for about three days a year and is out doing her own thing for most of that. The other sees her every eighteen months or so for a few hours. I have to do all the real helping and she treats me appallingly. I avoid her as much as I can, but would prefer not to see her at all. The sibling who sees her once a year is desperate for the inheritance .

Op, you still get to decide. Whether your brother gets involved or not is up to him. He probably has a lot on his plate - 4 kids, not driving.

You get to choose how involved you are going to be, and it sounds like you are choosing to do quite a lot.

What’s your parent’s situation? are they no longer able to manage their finances and medical issues?

You need to bring in professional support for your parents.

Having 4 kids and not driving isn’t an easy life.

Most people don’t go into homes because they have busy adult families with jobs and children of their own, propping up the situation often to the detriment of their own mental health. I know plenty on antidepressants because of ageing parents. Often with thousands in the bank. Sometimes stepping away and enabling a crisis is the only way to force the issue. The wants of someone at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.

I have 3 siblings but there’s only me who will help my mum. The alternative is for her to go into a home which isn’t what anybody wants and isn’t really needed. She just wants her family to care. I’m
the single parent one with the (ND) kids at home (10 and 16) and who doesn’t drive. Social services are useless and we are having a few crises lately with shit carers and things not running well at all. I’m coping and now on anxiety meds slow down my
poor heart. Telling social services I’m not able to do things doesn’t mean they step in. It’s really hard.

Unfortunately you cannot force your brother to help

What sort of help do your parents need ?

Do they both individually claim attendance allowance? It is not means tested & they could buy in more help or aids or anything to make their lives easier

If you both lived miles away, what would your parents do ?

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

I recommend you set this up for both parents
1 for health
1 for wealth
Follow instructions below
Get it completed & ready in case you need to use it
https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

Suggest contact social services & ask for a care assessment for your parents

Nothing will change if you continue as you are

Feeling alone ?

Yes, I am an (only surviving child) who cares for an elderly parent

Last time I took parent to the hospital there was a sign on the wall offering help, advice, chat for carers. Suggest investigating in your local area for similar group to join.

Plus we are always here on MN