Help pls: SM doesn't want me to visit DF (71 - Dementia) with another family member

[BlueRaspberry7]

Hi group, I've posted here before so some of you may remember my situation.

My DF (71) has Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia. Four years before his diagnosis, he and his wife moved a couple of hours north from where I live, as well as his other family (sister, nieces) and friends.

He is now at the stage where he shouldn't be left alone - prone to wandering, confusion and falls. My SM has gone abroad twice this year for respite. For this, DF stayed at a care facility nearer to me and his sister. That worked fine, and he shared with us that he is not happy in his marriage, and would like SM to be kinder with him otherwise he'd like to divorce her. I'm not sure how realistic that is - financially or any other way.

SM and I have talked several times about options for when his condition worsens, ranging from them moving to a more suitable home together (though she wants to stay in the same village), to him moving to a care facilty either near where they live, or near where I live. This has still not been decided.

SM does not want carers in the home and is using her daughter (who has LD) to care for DF when she goes out for more than an hour or so.

I'd like to go to visit DF and SM - with the emotional and practical support of DF's sister (a former nurse) and DF's close friend - to chat about the future options for DF.

I find doing this on my own hard. My brother has died and I would really benefit from a bit of support with this situation. SM has said she isn't comfortable with this, and would prefer me to go on my own. She will not tell me why.

Can anyone please advise?

She may feel you are turning up 'mob-handed' with two other people in an attempt to pressure her.
I'm not suggesting this is what you are doing, just looking at it from the other side. You say you would benefit from the support, but she would be on her own?

That’s a good point. I could maybe ask her if she’d like anyone else to be there for her.

It sounds like moving to a different house together might be a very short term solution and there would need to be another move to a care home.

This would probably be very confusing for DF.

A specialist dementia care home might well the best solution.

Three of you visiting at once is a lot! Not necessarily even her feeling pressured, but having three extra people in her home when she already has a sick husband and LD daughter to manage. Just go on your own, or two of you at most.

I agree with this, and think it might be best to discuss our options for this now, rather than wait until a crisis point. It’s tricky at the moment because DF and SM are coming to me separately with their thoughts on this - but I think it would be better if we’re discussing this gently but openly together.

I hear this, but they fairly regularly have this many friends or Sm’s family over for meals so I think it’s fair that we should also be allowed to come, as family. I’ve also offered to host it at mine if that helps, so that we’re not imposing.

@BlueRaspberry7 try and find a neutral ground. Is there a hotel who has a private dining room so you can eat and chat.

That’s a good idea if my dad’s up to it

If she is wanting social care funding for a care home, she can't jump to that without carers coming in first. If he is self funding, highly dubious to jump to that straight away.