Mum not eating much at all

[Bsmirched]

Mum is 85 and lives alone in a warden controlled flat. I am an only child and have incurable breast cancer for which I have chemo every 3 weeks.
Mum's diet has gradually become more and more restricted over the years to the point that she pretty much now eats corner yoghurts and the odd mini magnum. If I take her for lunch she struggles to eat half a sandwich.
I have tried many times to get her to eat other food at home, (I do her shopping), but anything I get usually just festers in the fridge. This happens when she's suggested something that she might like - I get it but she doesn't eat it.
When I try to discuss it with her, I just get told that appetite declines at her age and to stop telling her off, which I'm really not doing! I've recently got her some Fortisip shakes but she's not even drinking those.
She's just cancelled me going today because she says she has no energy and doesn't feel up to it, but she refuses to accept that it's because she's hardly eating anything.
I really don't know what to do. She's very against the idea of carers and to be honest, I don't think they'd have any more success than me.
Any words of wisdom greatly appreciated!

Would you get her admitted to hospital or a nursing home. Bring her to her GP and have her assessed and weighed?

I m sorry you are dealing with such serious health issues.

Sorry to hear this and also about your own health, that must be very hard.

Did your DM have a good appetite in the past? We had similar with our mother and one of my siblings dragged her to every doctor they could find desperately trying in their words to ‘get a diagnosis and then medication’. I decided to attend one of the appointments. I’m the sibling less likely to listen to our mothers nonsense. When the doctor asked about her appetite in the past our mother was very sheepish. I did not hold back as I came to the realisation decades ago our mother had a very disordered relationship with food all our lives. Basically she barely ate full meals - ever. She despised anyone even remotely anything other than ‘thin as a pin’ which she thought was a positive thing as it showed discipline.

This may not be the case for your DM but the reality is if she has capacity to make her own decisions she is choosing to do this. Sadly even though you are trying this is possibly her way of saying @Bsmirched ’I will not do what you tell me to do’. Perhaps try and ask if there is anything she misses eating?

Good luck and take care of yourself.

this must be tough for you both, with my elderly grandma we used to give her those milkshakes full of vitamins etc can’t recall the name sorry as her appetite massively declined the older she got.
would she drink those?

Would she be open to carers going in maybe heat up some soup or something, I do think the appetite does deplete, my mum gets by on biscuits and the odd sausage roll and yoghurt,

Sadly if she is averse to carers you may just have to await the inevitable crisis.

Would she be open to a Social Services assessment?

@BlueLegume my mum also had disordered eating there was laxatives in the house and she ate a few times a week if she was on a lateshift saying she didn't want to eat late, or she would binge.

I am sorry I misread she isn't open to carers it does sound like her age and declining appetite, does she drink enough ?

What about protein yoghurt she might like that.

Thank you all for responding. She had a normal appetite when she was younger.

I guess for now I just have to accept that it's up to her. There's no way she'd agree to any kind of outside intervention at the moment.

If she wont have anybody in i would just provide her yogurt and ice creams maybe some cold bits and pieces for the fridge and really leave her to it, would she take a multi vitamin?

Protein yoghurt and multivitamins are good ideas, thank you.

Is she able to cook or use the microwave she might not be bothered or able.

My nana was like this so I bought her some build up drinks from Boots. You just add milk and they’re packed with vitamins

The op has bought those she isn't drinking them.

Sadly it can become a bit of a power struggle. I tried everything with my own mother including asking her if she would try foods she missed. She knew that what she requested meant me travelling to shops well out of my way but I did so anyway. She then saw me spend a few hours a day travelling from my home to the various shops to try and find the food she said she’d try and then go to hers, and then tell me the next day she had ‘thrown it away’. I tried cooking for her, the shakes, homemade meals taken from mine to hers. It just became impossible as everything suggested was refused.

Really really feel for you @Bsmirched Are you able to explain to her you are trying to help her and ask her what she might want? It really is ok for her to eat simply and sandwiches etc are fine - is she open to that?

I agree i honestly think letting her eat what she is eating is better than wasted food, I was putting milk in my parents fridge yesterday and the food mum bought at the supermarket last week was barely touched. And will be binned .

@BlueLegume that sounds hugely frustrating! She wouldn't eat sandwiches unless we're out and even then it's half a round.
I'm happy to leave her to eat what she wants, but now she's not eating much of those foods either.

What a worry especially with your own health compromised, can you ring her gp see if they will have her in for a "check up" or would she go to the GP ?

Sherry stimulates the appetite.

The decline of appetite is part of a natural end-of-life decline, although not necessarily imminent end-of-life. My mum stopped eating very much at all in May and eventually died in September; there were other steps along the way, but the eating was a significant indicator and we didn’t understand that at the time. It is very hard when it is a beloved parent and you can’t persuade them to eat. She isn’t lying when she says she isn’t hungry; it is part of the overall process of shutting down slowly and naturally.

I'm so sorry for all you're dealing with at the moment.
Re your mum, if she likes yoghurt she might eat a nutritional supplement like "Nutricrem" dessert (made by Nualtra). My mum wouldn't touch the shakes but she likes these. They're like a thick yoghurt consistency and come in different flavours. One of the district nurses recommended them and the GP prescribed them and also referred her to a dietician (waiting on the appointment).
Also, I wonder if your mum has mild difficulty swallowing (disphagia) - both "thin" things like water or more substantial things can be problematic. Does she cough after eating or having a drink? That can be one of the signs. If so it might be worth trying to get an appointment with a speech and language therapist (they do the assessments).

@ElizabethVonArnim that thought had crossed my mind, to be honest. I'm sorry about your Mum.
@JellyTotsAreYum I'll look into those, thank you.

No words of wisdom unfortunately just experiences which may shed some light if they're relevant. I went through this with someone in their nineties. It started with a narrowing of the range of things she would eat, and went downhill from there.

When I first noticed, she said it was because she couldn't clean the oven. Then she said it was because she couldn't chew properly.

After spending hundreds on cleaners and false teeth, it eventually became apparent that several things were happening relating to rapid cognitive decline that she was masking: she had forgotten how to prepare meals, she had forgotten how to operate the cooker and the microwave, and she would often not realise that she had to eat. She would also hide/lose her false teeth as she was convinced people were going to break in and steal anything of value. This was solved temporarily by carers, but couldn't reverse the wasting away that had already started and other problems started to emerge - particularly relating to balance. In her last few months - pretty much all of it in hospital - she barely ate a thing as her body shut down.

Like with a pp, dysphagia was a problem in the final few months and with coughing while trying to swallow she aspirated food (breathed it into her lungs) which would then set off infection after infection.

This.

It's very hard, as our instinct is always to want to build up and nurture our loved ones through food, but in my experience, the loss of appetite is a natural part of the slowing down at the end of life. If your mum doesn't want to eat, it's probably best to accept that, hard as it is.

If it’s a sudden change it’s always worth looking into, but a slow decline in appetite may just be part of the last phase of life. Just worth asking if she is depressed? Tbh I think my mum lost appetite at least partly from depression, but would have avoided antidepressants at all costs.

I have a strong tendency to feed dp’s mum the most calorific meals I can think of when she’s having my cooking, usually involving pastry, cream, butter, mayonnaise and eggs wedged in at every turn , but ultimately I do accept that she is a grown woman of 86.