Looking for advice, please – this may be long!
My grandmother (DGM) is 81. The only family she has are me and her nephew (DGM’s late sister’s son). DGM and her DN had a very close relationship for most of DN’s life, but especially in the15 years since DGF passed and DN did a lot for DGM (and I know DGM had been particularly difficult and demanding at times). I don’t have the best relationship with DGM but try to stay in touch via messages and phone calls.
A few weeks ago, DGM got into a pickle with her online banking. She attempted to log in but had forgotten her password, and so was locked out, and the bank sent her a text saying they had stopped someone logging into her account.
DGM then decided that it must have been her DN trying to access her account (I am certain this is not the case and trust him implicitly). Without approaching the subject with DN, she took it upon herself to block DN from all forms of communication, made noises about changing the lock on her front door (DN was the only person allowed a key) and made an appointment with her solicitor to remove DN from her will. I then had to make a very unpleasant phone call to her DN, to clarify why DGM wasn’t answering any of his calls and what she had accused him of. After everything her DN has done for her over the past 15 years, I think DGM has treated him appallingly – he was heartbroken at being accused and in his words, DGM had acted as judge, jury and executioner without giving him any chance to discuss with her.
DN and DGM before this had a good relationship - DN has a heart of gold and is blessed with a hundred times more patience than I have. I struggle to be around DGM – whenever I am going to see her in person I have a pit in my stomach as you can never tell what mood she is going to be in – it’s like walking on eggshells. Over the past 30+ years I have known her, DGM has systematically cut everyone out from her life for little/no reason – friends, family, acquaintances. She hasn’t spoken to DN’s wife in over 13 years due to a disagreement about a holiday. She has quit hobbies at the drop of a hat just because she decides she doesn’t like someone else who attends. DGM has always been stubborn, headstrong, bullish and I don’t think she has ever apologised to anyone in her life and picks people up/drops them when it suits. I have been on the receiving end and have been cut out in the past for perceived slights.
I do however say the above in the context of believing there may currently be other factors at play that may be exacerbating her behaviour – I have wondered whether early dementia may have caused some paranoia-type feeling – her DN thinks it could be depression related (DGM has phases where she will lash out/withdraw for weeks/months at a time – this has been the case for decades).
I have tried to gently reason with DGM, suggesting that she may have input her banking details incorrectly (and said I have done the same, it's so easy to do, banks make it so difficult, etc. - so she didn't feel like I was attacking her), attempted to persuade her not to change her will on impulse, but she just ended up turning on me (and another member of my family who tried to speak to her). She went quiet for a while and then a couple of days later there would be another text message attack. I tried to call her to discuss the situation, but she screened all of my calls and immediately messaged me telling me to leave her alone.
She asked me if I would be willing to be executor in the new will (in place of her nephew). I told her I think it best if she appoints a solicitor to do this as due to the situation at present, it may get messy further down the line. I again tried to persuade her against removing her nephew from the will to no avail. She went to a solicitor appointment yesterday and messaged me yesterday evening asking if I would be LPA for her.
I'm torn - I don't want to end up being accused in the same way her nephew was (and he didn't even have LPA), particularly if I get involved in her financial affairs. At the same time, there is no-one else left in the family and I'd feel incredibly guilty saying no. Even before the LPA was discussed, my DH and another family member advised me against getting too tangled up with DGM as any time we have a relationship that is anything more than just surface-level and exchanging messages, my mental health takes a nosedive as she is so difficult and demanding.
I do appreciate that not having LPA in place may cause issues down the line - but I'm not sure I want to put myself potentially in the firing line by agreeing to be appointed.