Is it me?

[Saskia22]

I’m in my 50s, diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 3 years ago due to childhood emotional abuse from my mother. My dad was my idol and we. had a close relationship. Sadly he passed two years ago. Which has left me, an only child having to keep an eye on mum. I am blessed to have a wonderful partner (not married as we are happy as we are) and a wonderful 19 years ago old son still living at home. Since my dad died my mother can’t/wont acknowledge my grief. She has put his ashes in the wardrobe. Im upset and angry about this. My partner knows how I struggle and he did something amazing the other day. He put my dad’s name in a local memorial garden where anyone can write a memorial to those who have past. When he told me I burst into tears. Was so touched by his thoughtful gesture. I told my mother, as expected she made it all about her. She then didn’t even bother to thank my partner for his kind gesture and instead rang him because she’d spilt a drink over a plug socket and could he come round and unplug it for her. I asked her when I went round why she didn’t mention it to me her little plug incident. She said she thought my partner would understand!? I want to tell her to stop messaging my partner. She has always been a manipulator. Am I out of order? I’ve been struggling so much with her and her bad health recently that I’ve been referred back to the psychiatrist. My mother knows I have bpd but not really interested as it’s not about her,

Sorry you are struggling op, but as a recent widow here is my perspective, for what it’s worth.

My DH died last year, his ashes are in the sideboard because I don’t yet know where to scatter him, but I also don’t want, or need, a very visual reminder that my husband of 30 years is dead.
Your partners kind gesture was for you. I would personally think he’d overstepped doing that about my husband, although would understand he had done it for you, but I wouldn’t have wanted to thank him for doing something that a) that he didn’t do for me and b) I don’t feel it’s his business to do.
I’m not understanding the plug relevance other than my own DM would have asked my DH to deal with anything she was struggling with, rather than me. It’s a generational thing I think for her to default to a ‘it’s a man’s job’ mentality for things that need fixing/electrical issues.

All that aside, if your mother has such an effect on you maybe it’s better to step away. You don’t owe her care just because she’s your DM, especially if she abused you as a child. It’s okay to put yourself first and walk away and have your DP block her number.

Tbh OP you are making this all about you. Your DM is grieving too and if she’s not ready to deal with your DF’s ashes that’s up to her.
The memorial was a lovely thing of your partner to do but really he should’ve involved your DM in it too.
If the relationship with your DM is difficult, it’s ok to distance yourself. I’m an only child too so I understand the pressure.

Thank you for your reply. It’s enlightening to hear your viewpoint from your perspective and I take that on board. I think you’re correct that my partner did it for me knowing how upset I’ve been at not scattering the ashes or any sort of memorial. You are totally right about the electrical issue, she admitted she’s old fashioned and saw it as a man’s job. I can over react due to my mental health.

Your relationship with your mum growing up was one of abuse. You have zero obligation to look after or care for her. Just because you share DNA with someone does not mean ypu need to have them in your life.

If she's vulnerable, contact SS and ask for a needs assessment for her, then walk away...if that's what you would like to do.

You’ve got this a bit twisted and made it all about you. My sister’s husband’s ashes are still in the wardrobe six years later. There’s nothing wrong with that and it’s quite common. It’s you who want some sort of scattering ceremony.