Concern for parent being taken for granted financially

[Supportanperspective]

A few months ago, my daughter messaged X (my cousin) after her grandmother (my mum) mentioned that her savings account was very low and that she wouldn’t be able to give X money once it ran out. My daughter reached out to express concern about this and some other related matters.
X then went to grandmother about the message, which unfortunately caused a rift between my granddaughter and grandmother. Seeing how upset granddaughter was about this, I confronted X directly. In response, X said that she needs financial help.

For context X is an alcoholic
Mum has alcohol dependency

My concern is — where does this stop? When mum tells me she’s worried about her money running out, I can’t stand by and do nothing. Mum’s finances are shared with Dad, who has dementia, and I feel it’s my responsibility to speak up for him too.
I will continue to act when I see someone being taken advantage of, regardless of how others react. My priority is to protect my parents’ wellbeing and ensure they are not left vulnerable.
However, I was given the cold shoulder recently by family members, am I wrong to have confronted her??

Me (and my sister's) have are starting to suspect that X is taking money from my mum's bank account without permission. X offers to go shop for mum, mum gives X her bank card, X buys vodka and fags. Mum is now saying she doesn't know where all her money has gone..

It's only me that speaks up about it being a problem as I think everyone is scared of confrontation

Have you or any of your siblings got financial POA? If not, can you have the conversation with your mum to organise this asap? (for your mum, not your dad since he has dementia)

Have you considered going to the police about the potential theft or at least discuss the potential for it within the family so that x is put in a position of stopping stealing and repaying the debt to avoid police investigation.

Either way, you can't stop your mum making unwise decisions to give money to alcoholic X if she has mental capacity.
But you can support her to say 'no' (POA could put measures in place, with her consent - outside of the cousin's influence - to put limits on the cash she had access to immediately, so that she would have time to pause and think before handing over money)
You can and should certainly do everything in your power to stop her being stolen from

Who are Xs parents and are they involved?
Does your mum have an alcohol dependency - or are you referring to X's mum?

Does your mum have capacity to make decisions, however unwise, about who she gives money / her bank card to? And, as the pp says, do any of you have POS for her and your father's finances?

Have you spoken directly to your mum about your suspicions? As in, when she complains about her money disappearing, do you remind her that she gives her card to X? Can you look through a bank statement with her and help her see where the money has gone?

Xs parents have both passed away
Yes my mum has alcohol dependency since spending more time with X (just for clarity I'm not blaming X for my mum's alcohol dependency, she has a mind of her own and can do what she likes)
When mums been drinking I don't think she realises what's happening and her memory isn't the best but she does have capacity

My sisters, myself, and mum have POA for my dad for welfare and finances

I have you spoken directly to my mum about my suspicions, she just says when the money runs out she won't be able to give anymore. Yes I do remind her about her giving her card to X

I could ask her to look through a bank statement with her and she she would be ok with this but I don't think it would do any good unfortunately

X mum (my mum's sister) passed away 2 years ago and I think she now thinks her responsibility to look after

I am sympathetic to an extent but I worry about my parents, I know my dad would not be happy about his money going to X (this isn't happening at the moment as far as I am aware but have concern it could happen in the future

Yes me and my siblings have got financial POA for my mum and dad. My mum also has POA for my dad
We got the POA for dad whilst he still had capacity

I spoke with my sister and they said I shouldn't discuss with the family as it will make things worse. Honestly I don't know whether to do for the best anymore

I'm really struggling as I feel like everyone is against me and I'm fighting a losing battle

I am considering taking legal advice to see if I can put measures in place so I can avoid fracturing the relationships

It seems that everyone else doesn't see there is a problem despite knowing all the facts or they are scared of causing conflict

I know I can't stop your mum making unwise decisions to give money to alcoholic X if she has mental capacity.

I will definitely speak to someone about putting measures in place

When you say, "You can and should certainly do everything in your power to stop her being stolen from" - I have and I will continue to do everything I can to stop her being stolen from

If she agrees, make an appointment with your mum at her bank and take the POA documents. Ask to speak to someone who can support her with financial abuse by a family member. Ask how the bank can protect her

You said in your 1st post that your parents finances are shared. So your dad is being stolen from/financially abused as well and he lacks capacity to protect himself. It is up to his attorneys to protect his interests since he can't.

Your sister is sticking her head in the sand to avoid agro, but this is a situation that can't be ignored. It won't be you causing trouble by pursuing this. The responsibility for any family upset is solely cousin x's responsibility.

Don't feel bad that you're doing the right thing

If you have poa are they registered with the bank as vulnerable customers which would flag unusual or suspicious activity ? Do you see any statements or can you check transactions online? Change the pin code and ask for the contactless limit to be lowered.

When you say, "You can and should certainly do everything in your power to stop her being stolen from" - I have and I will continue to do everything I can to stop her being stolen from

but she’s not being stolen from. she is handing over her card to X and turning a blind eye to the fact that X also buys alcohol and cigarettes for herself, then complaining that she’s running out of money. She is choosing to do this, and that fact that she’s a bit pissed when she does it doesn’t make it theft. the OP says she has capacity to make poor choices.

OP - do you think that X is bullying or threatening her to get her card? Are you worried that she will hurt your mum in some way if she stops funding her ? From what you’ve said it seems to run the other way - that your mum gets angry if anyone questions what’s happening or suggests that X is taking advantage of her.

You said in your 1st post that your parents finances are shared. So your dad is being stolen from/financially abused as well and he lacks capacity to protect himself. It is up to his attorneys to protect his interests since he can't.

that’s not strictly true. funds held in joint accounts are held ‘jointly and severally’. This means that either party has the right to access and spend all the funds that are in there and they don’t need the permission of the other account holder to do so.

It gets more complicated when one holder loses capacity, but taking any action depends on whether the POA for the OPs dad has been exercised over the account ie they’ve actually told the bank that he has lost capacity. At that point the bank will take more notice, especially if they are also told that a third party is regularly taking funds from the account. Even then, it depends on the wording of the POA: is the OPs mum is his attorney individually or is it joint with the OP and her sisters? (It was a real issue for us: MIL lost capacity, and she’d been the brains behind the family finances. FIL was her attorney, not DH or SIL. He had capacity , he was just rubbish at admin and making rational decisions, got easily confused.)

if the OP wants to protect her fathers savings / pension income, then a separate account could be set up for him and half the joint savings moved into that. Same for his income - unless the mother relies on this for living costs. This is actually true of most situations where one spouse loses capacity - that’s the point where jointly held savings need to be looked at separately.