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Elderly parents

Mum's been sulking for months

7 replies

Bluddyellfire · 09/11/2025 09:26

She's refused to speak to either me or sibling since about March because we weren't unconditionally supportive all those times when she kicked off with everybody where she lives, and they've all fallen out with her so she's put it on the market and kicked off with us too.

With Christmas looming I'm dreading the 'are you coming here' conversation because it's like pulling teeth. She usually comes to me (lives a mile away) but moans about feeding time (too late for lunch, too early for tea)/ the stairs/ driving 'all that way back' in the dark etc. Yes she knows how to use Uber, no the expense is not the problem. Last year she really definitely wanted to come as usual then developed a 'terrible chest cold' on 23rd, cancelled, and then was miraculously restored in time for the obligatory Xmas morning video call, not even a tickle much less the 'hacking cough' that had been apparent not 48 hours previous. Last time I saw her was in April when she bent my ear for a solid 3 hours with judgy nonsense about 'something of nothing' incidents that had all blown over months previously, and the last time I spoke to her was weeks ago when I talked her out of making an official complaint about the manager there for bullying her over an argument arising from her not intervening when somebody else had had a medical situation. I don't think I can even be bothered doing the reach this time, maybe just leave her to it...

OP posts:
greengreyblue · 09/11/2025 09:29

Does she live in a home? To be fair, taxis are double on Christmas Day. You say she’s refused to speak you since March but you’ve had chats a few weeks ago

OwnGravityField · 09/11/2025 10:05

Elderly people become increasingly unable to see beyond their own world or be reasoned with.

Make your life easier by simply agreeing with everything a la

‘oh dear that’s such a shame’
‘maybe just see how it pans out’
‘yes, you’re right it was better back in the 70s’

also followed by an airy

‘well I’m busy right now so maybe next month’.

On the specific Christmas issue, travel might be just too scary/faffy because of the bladder leash, or tiredness and pain. Extend the invite, and if declined just simply agree. If you can’t go to her, simply say ‘sorry the car’s broken’.

Bluddyellfire · 17/11/2025 10:08

The truth is that I don't want her to come at Christmas. Things have deteriorated to the point of seething resentment from her and teeth clenching fear of confrontation from me, she becomes obsessed with the idea that people are against her and if you say anything in anybody's defence or suggest that her initial reaction may have been off, or that it's her who seems to be escalating an argument or keeping it going, woe betide... I read Motherwell by Deborah Orr recently as advised by kind people on other posts. I'd been putting it off for years. So much of it resonated quite painfully and I guess I'm still processing. I want to tell her that if she does want to come, we'll have to clear the air first and agree some ground rules (largely around topics of conversation to be kept off the table) but I know it'll just be more histrionics because I've shown my true colours or some other shite. Her behaviour is outrageous, I'm exhausted with it and, right now, completely unwilling to endure any more contact.

OP posts:
whatisforteamum · 17/11/2025 10:48

I wouldn't reach out.My DM is a difficult woman or narcissistic mother anyway.The other yr my adult dd and her other half cooked a delicious Christmas dinner at DM s and we all collectively took bits and presents as she had chosen to be alone since df died 8 yrs ago.
All I heard about until February was how the chestnuts she bought weren't used !!!
Every
Bloody time I saw her.
I can understand how the small things are the big things when you are alone but hey.
Enjoy your day with your family.
I certainly will.
The other thing DM does is expect a tree in the front garden.Brother in law takes her to get it my dh trims the base and puts it in the front garden with lights.
High winds it topples.
He goes back round puts it right as the post isn't quite right and I guess df would be dashed out to sort it out.
This yr no thank you.
Not spending a couple of weeks putting a tree right in the wind rain or dark .

Mary46 · 17/11/2025 16:02

God its so draining agree. I bring my mam to mass 25th. Sister offered dinner. I mentioned my mil aswell they all have be factored in aswell. All about her. Thank god I dont do overnights. I find they get so selfish though. 80s. I do be glad once xmas over

whatisforteamum · 17/11/2025 16:34

At least there are others in the same boat.😁

Lovelynames123 · 17/11/2025 16:40

I think both my GMs were like this, and thank God my DM turned things around and vowed never to be like them! Hopefully you feel the same so your DC will never have to deal with it, such a selfish way to go on. I could tell my dm tomorrow that I'm going on holiday across Xmas, she'd either say great, we'll come too, or great, enjoy yourselves, but there would be no guilt inducing behaviour

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