Christmas for Mum in Care Home

[Beachhutgirl]

My mother is in a care home, and is increasingly frail. The last couple of years we have managed to get her to come to Christmas lunch at my home, but I don't think that's going to be possible this year.

I think its likely to be her last Christmas, so I'm looking for ideas to make it as enjoyable as possible for her, but also for the rest of us. Her grandchildren will be around, they are in their 20s, so not children, but still deserve as good a Christmas as we can give them, as do my brother, SIL and myself.

Advice please

Is the home nearby and how long are the grandchildren visiting for? Homes usually put on a lot of things around Christmas which can be a bit tiring or overwhelming for the elderly person. A lot of them don’t go anywhere else at Christmas so will have their Christmas dinner etc there. So it’s a good idea to check what the home is doing and then spread visits out to shorter periods over a number of days?

One thing we realised was that it doesn’t all have to be on Christmas Day itself.

That's a helpful thought. The care home do stockings in the morning and will do a Christmas lunch, but its unlikely she will agree to leave her room to eat. That's the bit I'm feeling bad about, it seems a horrible thing to eat Christmas lunch alone. But maybe I can get the rest of the family to visit, while I cook, and we can eat later.

The grandchildren will be visiting for 2 or 3 days, they are going to football on Boxing Day, so we will probably do Christmas cake etc at the care home after football.

Then we have got to do it all again a week later for her birthday on New Years day.

Would your mum come to you if you if it was possible? One year we pre-booked a wheel-chair accessible taxi. My husband dropped me to her and then I travelled back to our house with her. All done in reverse at the end of the day. It was expensive and on subsequent occasions we hired a wheel-chair accessible vehicle for a few days to make the most of having it.

In this situation we didn’t visit. We enjoyed Christmas knowing that she was safe from harm - getting her admitted months before had been hell. We let her do as much or as little as she wanted of Christmas in her home. I know it’s a care home but it is her home. We didn’t want to go and place expectations that she really didn’t need. I handed in a gift in Christmas Eve and we visited a few days later once it had all calmed down. She didn’t eat with the other residents but she didn’t want to anymore than she would have wanted to be ‘ok’ for us being there. It really does take a lot out of them, we decided it was better all round to step back.

Honestly OP, if it's highly likely to be her last Christmas I would revolve Christmas Day around her at the care home this year. Provided this is allowed and at all practical. My mum spent her last Christmas in hospital dying of cancer. My DH, my adult son and I took ready cooked Christmas dinners in, with a bottle of wine, and sat in her room with her. The lovely male nurse heated up the dinners for us. Would we have rather been at home having a jolly time - hell yes! But after my mum died we've had years to spend Christmas exactly how we wanted. I will never regret that last Christmas with her.

Oh God care home Christmases.

So many horrors. The worst was my Dad's last. They put on a show. An Elvis impersonator. Then, unbelievably a group of White guys blacked up. It was horrific. We all cringed.

Dad had dementia but as à Radio 3 listener he hated it. This was a very expensive care home but it seems the carers just imposed their 'taste' on others. Blaring daytime tv. Dad liked quiet and I told them so but it was all ignored.

I will kill myself rather than end up in one of those places.

My Dad was in a hospice for his last Christmas. We went in mid morning once he was up, and sat chatting for about an hour then we let the nurses take over for lunch/meds. We then went back about 5pm and we sat with him until around 8pm - just me and my eldest daughter. We watched a film, tried to get him to eat but he didn't want to, and we gave him a hand/foot massage to soothe him. In a funny way I've got lovely memories of that day - the staff were so so lovely with Dad and us.

If your Mum is going to be in her room, then I'd chat to the home but mid morning and mid afternoon shouldn't get in the way of their routines and your Mum's care. Your Mum's perception of the day will be very different to yours

SIL visited MIL in her care home for an hour in the morning, we went Boxing Day for an hour. Would never have contemplated taking her out. I’m afraid we had 20 years of having Christmas Day how her and FIL wanted and dampening down any fun with their frugality, so when he died and she had to go into care, it is now our time. Kids are grown but better late than never.

@Beachhutgirl do you think your mum will know it's Christmas Day?

If she won't know, it kind of doesn't matter what you do. You can have your own Christmas Day at home and go to the Care Home when it's convenient.

Has she a tele in the room
do you have something like a chrome cast stick you can plug in then get all the family to face time
better still can you borrow a projector and take your laptop

Is tgere something she really enjoyed a shared memory? My grandmother loved a particular card game so we played it as a large group and made sure she kept winning. It’s a beautiful memory

Thanks all for your help and support.

Yes, she will know that its Christmas day, and may even think about coming to join us for lunch, but when the day comes I think she's unlikely to manage it.

I think morning and evening visit on Christmas day, and evening on Boxing day will be the way to go. She's only about 15 minutes drive from me fortunately. A game or quiz might be a good idea, if we just sit and chat things tend to turn into a long discussion about who's died.

I did take my mum out for one Christmas while she was still mobile. It was just 3 of us for lunch and then another 3 for tea.

She did enjoy it I think but it was over an hour’s drive either way and it was the most exhausting day I have ever spent by a factor of about 200%. We only did it once.

For you, it depends how much she will be aware, what her frailties are, who is available, and what she enjoyed most about Christmas. Do the things she loved most at the visit and cut the rest. She will be very easily tired so I’d make it short and go again on Boxing Day.

I would cut your own catering down significantly. The year we took mum out, I did duck, gravy, frozen peas and roast potatoes, with a supermarket Christmas pudding and Yule log. That was because I was doing all the cooking and all the driving and all the mum handling. Either order an M&S meal or get someone else to hold the fort and cook at home while you go in and visit.

I think the thing that put the tin lid on it was that as I was staggering out of the nursing home having run the whole of Christmas solo as I was a widow, with the last of the four hour-long drives to do that day to get home, and my in-laws to visit the following day, a member of the staff said to me with that special head-tilt voice ‘now you’ve done it once you can do it again.’ May his turkey always burn.

Remember there’s a reason she’s in the home. Don’t try and kill yourself for the sake of one day.

You are lucky your Mum will only be 15 minutes away on Xmas day. Could you find out from care home what time she will be served her Xmas main meal and if she wants to be in her room join her there for what might be her last Xmas dinner? Take something with you and eat with her. You'd only need to stay an hour.

Taking some snacks, and being with her at dinner time might be a good call.

Fortunately for me, my brother and family will be visiting, so if she does want to come out they can look after her, while all I have to do is cook dinner.

Just hoping for things not to be too dull for the grandchildren, though if this is the last one they will be glad we did things properly.

When my mum was no longer able to come to the house for Xmas we moved our dinner to later in the afternoon and my brother and I went to the care home for 'her' dinner. Maybe your mum would leave her room to eat if you were there to eat with her?

They really did it up nice at Mum's home and included family in the meal. We went and sat with her and pushed a bit of food around on our plates whilst she ate so she would think we were eating with her. We'd go back to her room and visit with her for a bit then head to mine for dinner and festivities. My DH and DS2 stayed home and 'minded the dinner' for me to be sure nothing burned and everything was put in at the right times and was done soon after DB and I got there.

Mum had dementia and was perfectly happy as she wouldn't have known if we'd been there for 3 hours or 3 minutes and she forgot we'd been there (and what day it was) as soon as we were gone. Dementia is a bitch.

A short visit from everyone with a quiz is a nice idea, maybe a couple of christmas carols as well.

I wouldn’t get too hung up on eating together or your DM eating alone, from what I have observed of elderly DPs eating is now a necessity rather than enjoyment thing. I think making sure you are all there for a brief but enjoyable time sounds like a lovely idea.

Thanks everyone, lots of helpful suggestions, i think plans are taking shape in my mind.

We might stick with some of us being there while she eats, as I think she eats better if there are other people there. I might be able to delegate this, and go home to cook our dinner. I often visit at her tea time, as it encourages her to eat. She sometimes offers me food, cuts things very carefully in half, and then once she starts eating she forgets she is sharing, and eats both halves.

I've got a game in mind for boxing day, which can be played by people who have no idea what they are doing, and ends with winning loads of chocolate, so should please the grandchildren.

Remember there’s a reason she’s in the home. Don’t try and kill yourself for the sake of one day.

That's very good advice.

Probably a bit different, but when my DM had dementia she found any change of surroundings/routine very hard to cope with. Even a quiet Christmas in her own home was a bit too much, and TBH despite crackers on the table etc., she didn’t even seem to realise that it was Christmas Day at all.

By the time she was in her care home, we would just pay a short visit on Chr. Eve or Boxing Day. The CH made a great effort with decorations etc. but she still seemed pretty much oblivious.

With FiL (also dementia, he had it before my DM) for his first Christmas in his care home, we brought him back to ours for a couple of nights. Since he’d always enjoyed staying with us pre dementia, we had thought he’d enjoy it, but it was a bad mistake, and in fact against the CH’s advice. He was confused and fretful, thinking it was his own home and there were a lot of jobs he ought to be doing.
We never made that mistake again.

We’ve been having a very similar discussion about DFIL, although we’re not 100% certain that he’s going to make it. DH was going to bring him here but it’s a Nursing Home rather than a care home, so we’re not able to meet his needs here. Just the thought of getting hin here would be a nightmare anyway and he gets so, so tired after about 20 minutes of any company.

We are thinking of visiting on Christmas Eve and FaceTiming on Christmas morning after he’s had his breakfast.

We do have other relatives who are in Care Homes, we think we will do the same with them, although I might pop in to see one of them as she’s very lucid and will be very much aware that it’s Christmas Day, although the Care Home is fantastic and she’s very happy there.

Hi, its incredibly difficult knowing what to do but there isant a wrong or right thing to do. but with my grandmother we did christmas morning breakfast with her (her favourite salmon bagels/panatone with apricot jam) and had presents with her. (She saved some for evening tonopen on her own) as we have christmas lunch at 2 my auntie went up at lunch with their presents before the Homes christmas lunch. We took all her declarations abd decorated her room too.