MIL isn’t going to make it

[User8585]

DH has had the call to go back to the hospital as MIL doesn’t look like she’ll make it through the next 24 hours. A couple of weeks ago she was active and seemingly fine. Then a heart attack out of nowhere and she’s been in hospital ever since. We thought she’d just turned a corner for the better though and was improving.

DH is incredibly close to MIL. FIL died a few years ago. Also have a BIL who doesn’t have any family. DH has really been struggling to cope. He’s terrified of losing her. DC have been playing up no end because DH hasn’t been at home for bedtimes as he’s been visiting. Routine all over the place. We’re all shocked by the sudden turn of events. In shock.

What do I do now to be there for DH and keep things normal for the children (5&7)? They’ve been asking to visit but we couldn’t take them but we said we would when she was on the mend. Now it looks like they won’t get to see her again.

I think DH is going to fall apart. He hasn’t been able to keep up with anything else because he’s been so worried about his mum. Thinking she was going to get better, once she was recovered I was going to gently broach with him how to work on resilience. That sounds daft now I write it.

I’m also struggling to keep the plates spinning. I’ve shielded DH from quite how awful the kids have been, but I haven’t been coping either. How do we get through this.

My personal experience has been 'the end' isn't always the end so he may be home and MiL alive tomorrow

Even if this is the case it sounds like he isn't able to emotionally cope with anticipated loss any better than actual loss.

Don't encourage him to become more resilient. Now is not the time. Does he work? If so check on what the employer gives as special leave. Usually a ridiculous 3 days which includes death bed vigil, funeral and arrangements. So off to the GP to ask to be signed off and have some space to deal with this. If practical his job would accept a FIT note which means he works but is given flexi hours to do all of the death admin and just cope.

Women care for DC alone for years in many cases so it's perfectly possible to do this short term whilst he processes his mum's death. Whatever advice you were going to give him re resilience I'd gently suggest you explore that advice for yourself.

Your post comes across as if you are quite focused on you and the affect this on you rather than your husband who is clearly worried about his mother.

Just out of curiosity have you lost parents yourself? I may be wrong but your post comes across as someone who hasn't.

Resilience is not what your husband requires it's a supportive wife who understands or can imagine the gravitas of this situation for him.

It's not going to be possible to keep things normal for your children as this is not a normal time.

What did you say to the children about why they couldn’t visit?

Like other posters said this isn’t a normal situation now so you can’t keep things normal. Have you been open with them and told them their grandparent is very poorly and what happened, or have you shielded them? People have a habit of overprotecting children from death and bad turns health wise and I don’t think it’s helpful. I would be factual with them but try to answer the questions yourself so your DH doesn’t have to as children can be rather blunt.

You have to play it by ear. She might have a spontaneous improvement, sometimes people do. It sounds like your DH has been in this limbo for a few weeks worrying she might die, it’s no wonder he’s struggled. My Dad hasn’t been around for decades and my Mum’s health is poor. I’m terrified at the prospect of her dying.

Sorry, I didn’t mean it to be about me at all. Only in as much as I want to do the best for him, and best for the children.

I didn’t have a specific plan for resilience, I intended it kindly. Anything which would help him cope. I have lost a parent. But we’re different people and we deal with things differently. Just wondering how I can best support him, when I can’t drop everything to just be with him because we have DC. What balance do I aim for? I could get school friends to have the DC a few evenings, but they’re already edgy, so I think that’s a bad idea.

Losing a loving parent is one of the hardest experiences any of us can go through. You can't really develop resilience to grief like that. It's okay if he falls apart for a bit, that's normal. For some of us it's just a case of survival in the early days.

Your job is to keep the ship afloat for now, keep the family running, make sure he eats and sleeps so worries about anything else are kept to a minimum. I know that's hard, it's going to be one of the hardest times, you'll probably look back on it as a dark period in your lives, that's just how it is when we lose someone we love. If you have any other support around you, friends or wider family, now is the time to lean on it too.

To clarify, I won’t be mentioning anything whatsoever to do with resilience given she isn’t improving. Given he is struggling, I thought it could be a positive thing once she’s recovered, but it’s now irrelevant.

I don’t think we’ve shielded the children. We’ve told them she’s very ill, but she’s being well looked after and we hope she gets better.

Cross posted. I'd focus on keeping everything at home normal for the kids as far as possible, can BIL and your DH lean on one another?

Grief was a long term process for me, I didn't necessarily need loads of support in the weeks when it happened, it was a busy time with little time to reflect. You might find your DH needs you more in the coming months rather than right now when he's in the thick of it.

Your DH likely will fall to pieces for a while, you just have to let it happen. The best thing you can do is be with him, be a steady support while he’s in the chaos and confusion of grief. There’s no instruction book for this and everyone experiences loss differently. Take it as it comes, you will find a way through.
For the children, be honest with them, don’t try to disguise anything or pretend things are different. For example if they see their dad crying it’s ok to explain why that is, “he is sad because his mum has died” is much better than “don’t worry nothing is wrong”.
There’s a lovely book called “Cry, Heart, But Never Break” which might be good for the children. It’s about children when someone dies.
Nutritious, comforting food, and a familiar routine, goes a long way for supporting adults and children.

Do you have family - parents? siblings? or good friends? Bring in extra support. Ask for help with the kids, ask for help with anything. Let others support you so that you can support your DH.

And don’t forget you are allowed to grieve too if you have a good relationship with your MIL. Your DH may be closer and feel it more, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t upset. Allow yourself to experience the grief too.

Is your husbands brother with him?

I would arrange for a friend to look after your DC’s and go to the hospital to support your DH.

What @NewJobProblem said. Bring in more support for all of you; could the kids go to friends’ houses? But yes, I would try to go to the hospital as well. I’m afraid I don’t think it is the time or the place for the kids to see her. You need to support your Dh.

I think it’s fine for you to come here for support. I’m sure you’re doing a great job of supporting your husband and you’re asking us to support you. Of course you can talk about how it affects you. That’s how Ring Theory works.

Is there anyone who can help you with the kids? Even be the person you vent at about how hard they’re being?

Reach out for support you can get and try to be there for your dh without over shielding him.. easy right? Noone can knowwhat your dh needs and in all of this dont forget your own grief if you and mil are close. Many sidelines inlaws gruef. However it can be like loosing a parent yourself.

So get help where you can for all of you.

I think if you can, try to keep things as normal-ish for the kids as possible. If they are almost inevitably out of routine, would doing things like taking them swimming/to the cinema/on walks help to try and distract them from DH not being there, or burn off their energy? Could you go and see relatives overnight?

If there's anyone in your family they particularly get on with I'd suggest they go there for a weekend night and see your DH without you; they might behave better away from you too.

With the potential end of life scenario, I'd echo @ArtichokesBloom comment upthread that it might not be the end - in my experience hospitals always are quite cautious about getting relatives in in case the worst does happen, which can sometimes be awful if you get stuck in repeated EOL scenarios.

I had a sibling die when I was quite young and that was much worse than DF dying at the end of a long illness when he was very old and my kids were relatively young... a parent dying is obviously sad and difficult but it's not always the same seismic emotional upheaval for everyone.

If your DH is falling apart then get him to go to the GP and also seek support from counselling, it can be quite a lot to keep a household going and be the main source of emotional support too. Work out what you can and want to outsource (is there any household stuff he's not doing that you can get help for?) and go from there.

Another one here that has been through the could be end of life but pulls through at the last minute several times rollercoaster (DGM, mid 90s). Just something to have at the back of your mind in terms of setting things up so you have backup care for DC and can go support DH sometimes. I also agree with outsourcing what you can. If you need to have a few more convenience options, ready meals etc, everyone will survive.

This is also one of those situations where both experiences can be true at the same time and both valid. It can be awful for DH to face his mum being so ill and maybe dying and it can also be difficult for you to cope with working, running the home and 2 unsettled DC. Neither of you are going to be doing everything to your normal level and everyone needs grace and compassion.

I lost my sibling 2 years ago and fell apart so I reluctantly tried medication. It was life changing. I’ve now lost my mum and I’m coping so much better which I think is as result of the medication (sertraline).

I would encourage your husband to ask the GP for help, it’s not a miracle cure and you still feel sad but it certainly helped me cope day to day, be there for my child and get back to work. Sadly the world doesn’t stop when we have trauma and practicalities still need to be considered. Sending best wishes to you all, it’s very tough.

You’ve had some good advice already, @User8585 All you can do is keep plodding along, do your best with the children and accept any help that family and friends offer you. Your DH may need some time off to grieve if he loses his Mum, or he may find that returning to work takes his mind off it. I went back to work quickly after losing my Mum for that reason.

Perhaps ask your GP now about grief counselling services in case he needs this.

I am going through the same with my MIL and dh is doing 8hr stints at hospital. I didn’t read how old your kids are but I second keeping it as simple, truthful and factual as possible.

As an aside, MIL is in an nhs hospital with an infection, they told us there was no hope and couldn’t wait to get that morphine driver into her and free up the bed.. dh wasn’t having it, insisted on stronger antibiotics and she’s turned a corner. I’m only saying this as if they don’t have someone there doing what the nurses don’t have time to do (feed them etc), someone to advocate for them, they’re finished. I am talking about people In their 80’s and above.

Upur dh is doing a wonderful thing and, hard as it is, your kids have you so will be fine.

You need to continue dealing with the children and things at home so that DH can be with his DM. If you have friends/family that can help with the kids then you can lean on them too.

The DC are young and if MIL is so ill they are unlikely to be allowed to visit. Be honest with them that she is very poorly, the medical staff are looking after her to make sure she's comfortable. They could make her a card, make daddy a card because he is feeling sad.

@User8585 how are you doing? I'm conscious this post may not have answered what you needed.

Sometimes (especially when distressed/stressed), posts get written from a very honest pov and it's human to feel all of the things you said. It lands differently written on social media.

How are you coping juggling and spinning all the plates?

You are supporting him- you are already supporting him valiantly. I’m sorry it’s so tough, and hope things have got easier. I second medication for both you and your DH- it’s helps while you hold things together.