Honest maybe brutal opinion

[BlueLegume]

Been around this thread for some time. Got some fantastic advice, kind words and sensible answers and suggestions.

I gave some advise earlier to a poster and got great feedback.

Additionally I got a really unpleasant message today from one of my siblings. Apparently I don’t care enough about our elderly parents. I do. I fund and supply every need to our parent in a nursing facility. When I can I attend every single event at the facility. I fund all the things like haircuts, podiatrist, optometrist etc. Never a complaint.

Apparently I need to ‘be there more’. I live at a minimum an hour away and when I am in my own home a much longer distance. I have done for 35 years.

Is the expectation that we move back to care for these elderly people? In my case who have made terrible choices in life.

I have boundaries I get all that.

Sometimes I am glad I don’t have siblings!

You do what you can do. I live an hour away, it’s a tough distance as it’s close enough to do day visits, but long enough to make it tiring. I generally go up once a week, I find it hard as both DPs still at home and refusing to get in the level of support and cleaning that I think they need.

I refuse to stay over - I guess I will have to in an emergency but it’s really my red line. I do a lot of remote admin - sorting out accounts doing the Scottish 8am phone run to try to get through to their GPs.

I think the rule book for this is all fairly new as people didn’t tend to live as long before. I feel guilty a lot of the time like I should do more - not working atm but hoping to get a part time job soon - but honestly any more would destroy me. I am emotionally drained by what I do already- DH is retiring in January and says he is going to pick up more of the visits. I hope he does.

What's the sibling doing for them? Why is it on you?

Just respond saying “I do what I can” and don’t deviate from that.

@rookiemere we have spoken before on EP threads. I feel for you and agree this a very new ‘rule book’. Good place to vent and then be calm.

@I8toys sibling in question is a self confessed b**r and amused by this. They have been utterly blindsided by the situation but veer between shouting at me and my sister and crying. We are tired.

Both sets of elderly parents moved to be near us as they couldn’t afford to live near other siblings. They still offer all their views and ‘advice’ without really having a clue about what is like to be the contact person for elderly parents. Do. Not. Move. Everything will fall on you if you do.

Fuck no.

my mum looked after my grandma but my grandma moved to her not vice versa.

Hang on, your mum is in a care home? If I've read that right there should be nothing to do as the home will do it all. So any visits you make are social. I agree with the phrase 'i do what I can'

Most carehome residents don't get any visitors so once a week is amazing. plus whatever visits siblings do.

Oh Blue. ‘No’ is a complete sentence.

One of FIL’s carers bollocked him a few weeks ago for not moving in with him after MIL died (we’re next door). We should do more apparently.

You should go because you want to, not because of obligation. I would hate to think my kids only came to see me because they felt they had to. After MIL passed and the peanut gallery did the square root of fuck all, I am honestly at the point of ignoring the noise. You have one life, Blue. Live it.

I wouldn’t bother defending your practice, which is fine.

Chuck it back at them - ‘it’s not like you to lash out like this, are you ok?’ Make it clear the problem is their interpretation, not your life.

Thanks for listening and the hand hold. My DF is the parent in the nursing facility. Yes he is well cared for but all of the admin falls to me as my sister has her own set of problems and my other sibling just ignores emails or requests for clothing or funds for haircuts etc.

Our mother is the issue - nothing is ever right. I could spend 24 hours a day with her and she would criticise every movement, what I look like. I have given up cooking for her - she declared everything inedible.

Just needed a vent after another vile message telling me how awful I am from one sibling. If I could be bothered I would screenshot his messages from the past 3 years and send them to his employer. But I am not like that.

Back to keeping things in perspective.

How much of the physical, emotional and/or financial burden is the complaining sibling carrying?

And let me guess - they're your mother's golden child?

@BreakfastOfChampignons they proclaim that they care more than anybody but they have lied to social services about what they do for our mother - who needs help but refuses to have any so it falls to family. They are the golden child - yes.

Now I really fancy mushrooms on toast 🙂

Grey rock the siblings. Do what you can, and only what you can for the parents.
Enjoy the mushrooms on toast!

In a way it’s helpful that your sibling and M are so egregiously awful. Why do you care what they think of you, when they care so little about your feelings? It’s rubbish that the sibling is sabotaging care that your DM needs, but you know you must not fill the gap.

You give great advice on the cockroach thread. I sometimes wish there was some sort of Freaky Friday button where we could all swop DPs for a weekend. Without all the emotions and guilt built up over lifetimes and being genuinely immune to others input, we would have it all sorted in a day !