Moving DM to care home

[mumdebump]

My DM has dementia and is no longer safe living on her own. I’ve had to temporarily stay with her since a scary near miss incident this week. She had been in denial for a long time and insisting that she was fine and refusing help until a memory clinic assessment this week showed just how bad her cognitive decline was. We’ve found a really lovely care home which we visited together after the clinic and she said that she was happy to move in ‘for a while to see if she likes it’. She loved her visit there, was smiling and happy, joining in activities and chatting to one of the residents so I’m confident that we’ve found the right place.
The next step is that they will do a care assessment next week. I’m hoping that doesn’t raise anything that would stop her moving in. Assuming all goes to plan, what do I need to start thinking about now? I don’t know what the time frame is but I hope it will be as soon as possible as I need to go home.
I’m trying to come up with a list of things to check with the home, things to prepare for her to take with her, things I need to do to prepare her house for being left empty. Any words of wisdom from mumsnetters who’ve been through this would be gratefully accepted.

Label all her clothes - start sorting out what she will take with her. Clear out the fridge. Gather together paperwork to take home with you. Start thinking about what will happen to the house. Apply for exemption to council tax - I think there’s an exemption where the occupier has to move to a care home but check with your council. Think about whether she can take furniture pictures ornaments to make her room more homely. Photo albums are a good shout.

My Dad went into a care home for the last weeks of his life and I've also worked in several.

Main things initially:

Getting a laundry marker pen and labelling all clothes/shoes - be prepared for clothes to go missing and be boil washed. Don't put in anything delicate like wool jumpers! If you can, make sure she's got lots of pants/bras/socks. And if she wears tights, get pop socks as putting tights on people isn't easy.
Labelling toiletries with marker pen - surname and room number.
Label the back of photo frames/books that you take
Try to take something that smells familiar ie a bed blanket or throw - and take her pillows if you can. That will help her settle quicker.
They'll take care of medication but this needs to fit in around their drug rounds. This was a bone of contention with my Dad and I had to really stand my ground to make sure he was given pain relief between as the morning round was at 8am and then they didn't do another until 4pm.

It'll unsettle her, and she'll be very agitated for a few weeks until she gets used to the routine of the home. That in itself will give her comfort in time - things happen there at very set times. But she's safe - and you have no choice.

Do you have poa. Who is financing the carehome. With her house let the utility companies know, insurance so it can be insured as empty, tell her bank and solicitors. If you ard going to put the house up for sale then speak with an estate agent once it's decided. See if there are local charities that could collect any furniture. She will need clothes, shoes, slippers, plenty of nighties and underwear. The home should register her with a GP if her own doesn't cover the home so rake medication, medical history m any dressings or continence products she might use.

Thank you. Super helpful. I’ll get a laundry marker and name labels and get started.

I have LPA and we are privately funding. We aren’t selling the house just yet but I will start to clear it. There’s so much to do.

IV should add if you can ( I would) launder personal clothing, let them deal with bedding/ towels.
my ex mother in law lots loots nit right

In addition to other suggestions, consider getting her a clock which she will be able to see and perhaps a radio and a smaller TV than she had at home if she likes to watch. Some care homes allow small items of furniture and she might appreciate items which are familiar to her. Take her a vase for flowers which visitors may bring, care homes often do not have enough for everyone. We bought PIL one of those digital photo frames and uploaded family photos so that they had memories to look at and less clutter than photos in frames everywhere. Pack some of her favourite snacks as long as she has no dietary issues. As someone else mentioned, clothes do go missing and you might see her wearing things which you dont recognise as clothing can occasionally get mixed up in the laundry.

My father's care home provides a TV in the room. Laundry is done daily. You only need a couple of weeks worth of clothing - we've just swapped his summer stuff for winter stuff and the home are storing the summer ready for next year. Label everything, spectacles, alarm clock, books, pictures, everything! Ask lots of questions as they will know the answers!

You may need to pay a deposit to hold the room and you may have to wait a few weeks before your Mum can move in.

The estate agents we'll be using can recommend a house clearance company and a secure shredding service so talk to potential agents about what they can offer. We will clear sentimental and valuable items, put everything that needs shredding into boxes and then let the clearance company in. After that it's a deep clean and onto the market.

We did have to upgrade to unoccupied house insurance which is more expensive, have to leave the heating on low and ensure the house is checked frequently. I've redirected the post, activated the LPA with everyone I can possibly think of and made a list of things to do which we all add to. AgeUk have lots of very useful information and their staff have been so patient answering questions.

Good luck! You'll feel so much better once your Mum is settled.

My mum's care home takes care of the clothes labelling themselves so check that with them.
My mum is contented there now and very well looked after, although it took a few weeks for her to get used to it.
Best of luck with the move. Its not easy, but you're doing the right thing.

Check with the home about what is supplied and what expenses she/you will need to meet. The home my DM was in made an inventory of all her belongings and labeled the clothes themselves. She could have her own toiletries but they did supply them (all branded, recognisable stuff - not generic cheap bulk bought). She was allowed her own bedding and decorations and she had a tv and a clock in her room.

DM was not allowed to have any cash and bills for the hairdresser, podiatrist and optician came to me.

DM was always anxious about not having any money so I put together a handbag for her with a purse full of coppers, a handkerchief, hairbrush, lip balm, perfume and mirror so that she had everything she would have left the house with. However between her asking me to organise it and me bringing it the next week she had forgotten all about it and it was just there as I had put it together when I cleared out her room nearly 3 years later!

Basically if she was anxious about needing something I made sure she had it in a low value, inconsequential way but what worried her one week was forgotten about by the time I got it for her the next.

Picking out clothes to take is probably the main task but not too many as they won't have the same storage space. We also switched MIL from those old lacy nighties to proper PJ's as she kept flashing her bits.

Nothing that needs careful handling like cashmere as the care home will generally wash on 60 degrees.

We also took MIL's favourite wedding guest outfit so she had something smart to wear when she leaves the care home for the final time, mobid but seemed sensible.

Glasses - will go missing so keep any spares at your house ready to replace when needed. And, for new glasses, get her name shrink wrapped onto them.

Smellies - shampoo, shower gel etc will go missing, don't take a big stash to the care home, just drop off supplies as needed.

Also worth picking out some paintings/ornaments to make the room feel more like home. I can almost guarantee all ornaments will get broken over time though so nothing antique roadshow worthy.

Finally, if you can persuade her to take off rings, its a good idea. As people inevitably lose weight as dementia progresses the rings will fall off and never be seen again.

(Note - where I say missing, I mean missing not stolen. Could be an overworked underpaid carer leaves her bubble bath in the communal bathroom by mistake or another resident wanders into her room and walks off with her glasses etc).

My DM is in a care home. I got a load of stikins labels with her name and now label everything. Even her glasses! I cannot recommend stikins highly enough, they seem to be able to cope with the laundry (everything washed at 60 degrees).

On arrival DM's clothes were labelled by the housekeeping service but I label anything new before giving it to her. I also regularly check that labels are in place and replace if missing or looking loose.

Personalising the room can be important. DM has her own quilt and a matching cushion. These are useful as DM regularly denies that the room is hers. Being able to point out her own things helps to settle her. DD gives DM a seasonal wreath for her room door. Again, pointing these out reminds DM it is her own room.

Lots of great advice here op. We also provided some HP sauce - it was a small thing that made a difference.

@OSTMusTisNT I wish I’d thought about the “something smart to wear” when the time comes to leave the care home for the final time when we cleared DFs house. There was just so much stuff and we were dealing with immediate needs and lots of things were the wrong size. I do have a special waistcoat, which I will now keep. Morbid but definitely sensible, thank you for suggesting.

Can i just mention that the care home my parent is in required proof of two years' funding before signature of the full time contract, after 15 days' respite. This proof could either be in funds in bank and/or by a house valuation. Obtaining this was stressful as we'd never talked specifics with our parent re finances.

DM's room came furnished with bed, chair, side table, chest of drawers, wardrobe.

DM is confined to a wheelchair and now has limited sight or comprehension of what she sees. However, she does like to have books. So I got a book stand which keeps her few books tidy.

DM likes flowers, she has a number of artficial flower arrangements plus vases to put them and fresh flowers in.

@mumdebump what you need will depend on your DM's specific preferences.