Suspect beginnings of dementia

[Moveonward]

I have some suspicions that my DF almost 70
may be displaying the beginnings of dementia. He has always been a pretty mentally switched on albeit closed off man who worked in the financial industry and took charge of every aspect of my mum and dad’s life.

he retired around 2020 and due to a family feud I have been low contact for a few years but have seen more of him and DM the past 6 months or so.
my children go over to visit several times a year and have both commented on his memory but it didn’t seem that worrying more that he just doesn't listen to my DM so things need to be repeated. He texts me and appears as he always has done and continues to organise everything financially for them both.

However, my DB recently returned from a holiday with them both and called me shocked at how much DF had deteriorated mentally since Xmas. He is still fine day to day but repeats himself a lot and his short term memory is really poor now. Struggling to remember what he’s ordered in a restaurant and to add up scores playing cards, which is completely out of character.

my DB typically called me expecting me to manage this and I have spoken to my DM who reassured me she is keeping an eye on things and will take him to the GP if she gets concerned. I’m suspecting she is downplaying things though as she’s terrified of admitting this may be happening as he controls and organises everything in their life.

i wondered if other people could share insights into the first red flags for dementia that they saw in their parents?

No advice but just solidarity, I suspect similar in my dad but he's nester 80. He's also becoming less restrained (ie flirting with women, making inappropriate comments etc). Both his parents had dementia.

i hadn’t thought I’d be dealing with this already. I do wonder if the fact my DF lived for work and doesn’t really have many friends and no hobbies has meant when he retired he has just mentally shut down a bit. He isn’t doing anything to stimulate his brain- just sits in a chair and watches TV

My dad was made redundant a couple off years ago and was worried about that but he plays his sport and reads with children at a local primary twice a week, take it there's no way yours would consider similar?

My MIL was much older (but I’ve also known someone get early dementia in their 50s) and the two early indicators were losing sense of time so suddenly getting up at 03.30 for the day or phoning our home at 06.00, and going out to say the shops but coming back empty handed or getting lost. Regardless of whether it is dementia or something else he should be seen by a GP asap. For example things like urine infections on the mild end or mini strokes at the serious end can all produce confusion and forgetfulness in people. Good luck. It’s an awful disease and I very much hope he doesn’t have dementia.

So no issues with time that I’m aware of- I need to try and get my brothers on board to see what they think- there’s a tendency to leave this all to me. The issue is we all have a tricky relationship with DF he is closed off and doesn’t really speak to us apart from for practical things. I don’t like putting pressure on DM but I’m concerned symptoms could get quite bad before my DM wants to flag things. She is spectacularly great at burying her head in the sand!
first step a visit to the GP I think

I suspected my NDN was beginning with dementia because of her inability to conduct a reasonable conversation and follow simple instructions. She would repeat something I had told her only a few sentences ago as though I was speaking a foreign language. She would come to knock at my door and whinge about trivial things like dustbins and parking spaces. Of course I stopped answering when I saw on the doorbell camera who it was.

I suspected that her husband was covering up for her when I saw that she needed his help with simple household jobs like pegging washing on the line in an orderly way. After he died suddenly she began wandering around in pajamas and no coat or jacket in February. She has now been taken to live with a relative and her house still stands empty for 95% of the time.

Do you have POA?
If not, get it, pronto

My mum became forgetful, repetitive, had no real sense of what day it was and would have to try and recount what she’d done and where she’d been over the previous few days to try and figure it out, she became very negative and whiny (although she’s always had a tendency to be a bit like that) and seemed to find just basic daily life “hard work”. I went to visit her one day and watched her spend about 30 minutes trying to put a handful of socks into pairs - something which should have taken a couple of minutes. We went out for a coffee together and she just couldn’t work out how to rip open the little packet of sugar. Lots of little things like that.

I don’t like putting pressure on DM but I’m concerned symptoms could get quite bad before my DM wants to flag things. She is spectacularly great at burying her head in the sand!

My dad was and is exactly the same. He’s been the king of stonewalling his whole life. He refused to ever have a proper conversation with me about it. Even now I don’t know exactly what type of Alzheimer’s/dementia my mum has, if he doesn’t want to talk about something he just shuts down and several times when I’ve tried to talk to him about stuff he has literally got up and walked away.

Mum is in a care home now but by the time she got taken to the GP, investigations, etc and received an official diagnosis and some medication which could have slowed down the progress of the disease, it was about 3 years too late. In my opinion her symptoms started when she was 64.

That’s one of the issues- my dad has always been extremely dictatorial and patriarchal- so much so that over the years he has slowly taken charge of every part of my parents life. My DM is subsequently quite childlike in her approach to things as quite frankly she has not needed to take charge of anything. I doubt she would even know where all their money is tied up.
I think things would need to progress significantly before my dad would give up governance of his own affairs

Unfortunately it is only when you spend a LOT of time with the person that you notice things are wrong. That is why your brother noticed on holiday. If you just visit for a couple of hours the person will probably be able to conceal all the things they cannot do - by simply not doing them.

My mother began to forget how to do simple financial undertakings, like transferring money from savings to current account. That is a ‘sequencing’ problem, and is quite common. It meant that after a while she could not make a cup of tea, which involves quite complicated sequencing that we don’t ever think about.

She also had timing problems, never knew what day it was, she would miss appointments even though they were on the calendar.

But there are various types of dementia and they will all cause different symptoms.

Your mother probably knows what is going on and is covering for him, because that is what spouses do - my FIL did it for MIL.

He needs to do an LPA. You could couch this as both your mum and dad doing one, so he isn’t offended at being picked out. It needs to be done soon while he still has capacity. If he ends up losing capacity and no one knows when there cash is, you are then stuck, he cannot do an LPA and you (or brother or whoever) would need to take out a Deputyship - and believe me you do not want to do that. It takes ages to come through and is very onerous.

I wouldn't rely on the GP to do much. They would do a mini memory test and then refer to the memory clinic. From what you say, your dad is very unlikely to attend an appointment. And even if he gets diagnosed he may refuse to accept it.

I found that my mum could disguise things quite well as she had a learned sequence of questions that she asked me when I visited (twice weekly) about how DH and the kids were and what we’d been doing. I could
almost guess which would come next.
Even now 2 years later she can fool people as she can hold a conversation but can’t remember simple things like how to pay contactless for things in shops. She could talk for ages about the past but can’t remember simple things about today’s life and often forgets words for everyday things.
My dad did the same thing with ignoring things but I kept pushing so we knew what to expect and could get help.
Unfortunately due to other medication she isn’t able to take any meds to slow down the progression BUT your dad may be able to so it’s definitely worth seeing a doctor as soon as possible. Best of luck.

The very earliest signs was repeating themselves in conversation which gradually got worse . Also very negative thinking.i knew how bad mum was as I spent a lot of time with her helping but the first time I took her to the memory clinic they were not helpful and put it down more to losing my dad her husband but she had been like it before. They said she had cognitive impairment I tried to struggle on with her for years till they finally diagnosed mixed vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s . Try and make the most of how much they still can do though as they lose a lot of confidence and things only get worse.

FIL was also completely in charge of everything financial. MIL had never paid a bill in her life. She wouldn’t have known whether they had £1000 or 100,000. When FIL died it was absolute chaos. No one knew passwords to any accounts, paperwork all over the place, MIL completely helpless and utterly reliant on DH and SIL. The finances were the tip of the iceberg, childlike is a good word. It was a mammoth job to sort out and extremely stressful for many months leaving sadly, a very unfavourable legacy. I urge you to sort POA now regardless of any dementia. Even with a referral, the wait for memory clinic can be several months, and even then….. not always a lot comes from it! The practical problems still remain. I don’t envy you.

Insist on POA (both kinds) for both of them. You can do it so he has your mum listed first, then you. And your mum has him and then you. And all the details of financial stuff, all accounts and passwords etc, written down in a document for her to keep.

My mum has just been diagnosed with dementia and the doctor said he wishes he’d seen her years ago, he would have been able to help her more.

It will be a massive win if your DPs can face this realistically , get their POAs in place, start briefing up someone else on financial affairs and let you know what their wishes are.

In early stages of dementia there are medications which can slow down progression which would help with quality of life.

Unfortunately deteriorating cognitive ability can also mean the person is in denial about their condition and refuses to engage.

Alzheimer's society have very useful information and a good support forum.

Hello Op, I'd definitely agree with others about LPA. My dad is very similar and we couched it as 'getting it done for both of you' and he accepted that. You don't actually have to turn it on/activate it until you need it but it's vital for helping to sort things.

I would really, really strongly recommend that you do start pushing a GP visit to test blood pressure and memory. Long story short but I should have tried two or three years ago and we wouldn't be in the mess we're in.

Also not to be alarmist but my dad always handled absolutely everything, my mum has no idea of anything financial or house related. Turns out my dad's fucked up to extreme levels over about 10 years and I have spent an almighty six months trying to sort out the issues, including HMRC, companies house and the small matter of him not registering the purchase of their house (nearly 20 years ago) with the land registry. So do start getting involved because I'm afraid you don't know what you'll find, I'm sorry.

We've had a similar issue with DM. She and DF covered it up and made excuses, I suspect to avoid having to face the situation. When DF died it became apparent that things were really not right. Looking back, the first signs were

• getting obsessed with doing things a particular and rather odd way, and unnecessarily cross if others didn't do the same (eg. A particular teatowel has to be at the top of the teatowel drawer)
• becoming uncharacteristically selfish and unaware of other people's needs/priorities
• not being able to find the right words increasingly frequently
• switching from talking about people as if they are wonderful one minute then as if she really dislikes them the next, with no obvious reason.
• increasingly argumentative, with no rational reasons

I wish we'd started the process of assessments for mum much earlier as she is declining quite rapidly but in your case it sounds like you have no chance unless you can get your mum on board. I'd strongly suggest POA as soon as you can. We're in the process of doing this but in the meantime it's quite tricky dealing with things mum finds difficult. Maybe you could suggest both parents do them just in case of some unexpected illness meaning they need you to help if they are in hospital etc ( ie steer clear of mentioning dementia but focus on physical illnesses that could make it needed)

Thanks all that’s really helpful and the suggestions of LPA for the both of them, focusing on the possibility of a physical issue down the line is a really good approach that he may go for.
I’ll speak to my mum and start sewing the seed. I’ll invent a friend who is going through this with their parents and how they had wished they’d done it earlier..

Good idea OP. I found I had to use a lot of 'strategies' to move my mother towards the things she needed. Not LPA as she had miraculously done one, but things like accepting a carer.