DC's view of grandparent

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Currently feeling quite sad that my daughters' positive view of their grandfather is being eroded by his intransigence which is causing stress for their father/ my DH. Interested to know how others have navigated this? DDs are late teens / early twenties.

I think you’d need to provide a bit more background. Is he being a bit old fashioned (ignore or laugh) or is he being really awkward or offensive?

Awkward but in no way offensive. Lives three hours away, refuses to have help in the house or carers or physio or chiropodist etc. etc. etc. but expects us to jump to the rescue when there is the inevitable (avoidable) crisis. The usual things you read about here every day.

Sorry you are having a hard time, but isn’t this the case with every grandchild as they grow up?

I adored my grandparents but I reflected differently on the stories they told me as a child than I did when I heard the same stories as an adult.

Behaviours I didn’t notice at 9 were very clear to me at 19.

It’s a privilege to still have your grandparents as an adult but your relationship naturally changes.

I remember my grandparents with much love regardless.

how old is your child…guessing they are adult age?

Sorry you are having a hard time, but isn’t this the case with every grandchild as they grow up?

No, I was really fortunate that my grandparents needed minimal care and were very accepting of the support that they did need.
DH's grandparents all died of a quick illness, this slow decline is (happily) not something we've seen before. I appreciate that we have been very fortunate.

I’m sorry you’re all having to deal with this I’d say it’s part of life unfortunately. Late teens and early twenties is, in my opinion, old enough to hold the view that their grandfather is dealing with old age and all that brings to us. His attitude isn’t uncommon as you know, but it brings real stress to the relatives. Regardless, your daughters will be learning valuable life lessons but no one says it’s easy or desired.

One of my bugbears (sp?) Is old people who will not accept help they can afford to pay for.

as an old person myself, I think paying for things I can easily afford, which in turn takes "heat" away from my adult child by not letting things get to an emergency, is my responsibility.

I have more aids in my house and about myself than you can shake a stick at. From hearing aids to chair lifts to three rolattors (one upstairs, one down stairs and one for going out) not only make my life easier, they make my adult child's life easier.

so in short, I think your parent is being selfish,if he can pay for help he needs, he shou ld.

If he cannot afford to pay them it's a different story, and I would retract my comments.

Your DD is losing respect for her GF because his choices are negatively affecting her family.
Maybe your DH needs to reframe his perspective and see that in turn, his choices are also affecting his family. No judgement - I have been in a similar position. My DD was younger and my DM lived nearer but DD was very upset by my caring responsibilities.
It is difficult when you have to balance parenting and caring. But you can refuse to do certain things or make arrangements to be available at certain times. It's not at all unreasonable to say to GF that you have other commitments and priorities.

Ah, it’s so difficult. It is normal though I’m
afraid.

Maybe it’s your teens that need to check their views, open their minds a bit and recognise that issues that seem insignificant when you are a teenager can be a very big deal when you’re elderly, and vice versa.

Have you asked them to consider why their Grandfather might feel the way he does?

As someone who grew up with the grandparent living with us and always being the priority… Are your children seeing you dash around after this grandparent, not put boundaries in place or stand up to them and then complaining about it?

How much of a negative impact is the grandparent having on the rest of the family?

What your DCs are seeing is unfortunately how many old folk become. My DPs are doing it to me, DS19 is at uni so doesn’t see so much of the impact.
I would sit down with them and be honest.Old people can become intransigent because they want to retain their independence and it’s scary. Somehow they don’t see that their choices are having bad impacts on their DCs. I would ask them to try and remember their grandad before he became demanding as it’s unfortunately a pretty normal side effect of extreme old age.

I would also support your DH and encourage him to step back where he can. Sometimes the crisis has to happen to accept getting in paid for care.

We are having this situation with my DGM who has become intransigent, stubborn and sometimes manipulative and mean in order to have things arranged as she likes and maintain an illusion of independence. I'm quite involved in her care as my DF has poor health and no living siblings, I'm the eldest DGC and the others either live abroad or have additional needs themselves.

How she has behaved in recent years and the impact it's had on DF and his wife, and now me, has changed how I see her, that's inevitable. Unfortunately, old age can bring out people's worst traits when they are struggling to come to terms with losing their independence, their bodies and/or minds failing them, their world shrinking, living with chronic pain and discomfort, facing the end of their lives. It is important to have empathy and understanding for the pain and fear that drives the behaviour, but it also is important to acknowledge what that brings up for families, especially those who become carers. DGM sometimes can be selfish, unreasonable and devoid of empathy for us while we are expected to have an endless well of it for her. I want to do the right thing by her, I do have compassion, but I'm no saint, it does exasperate me at times.

I've learned that lots of conflicting emotions sometimes need to sit uneasily together. It is inevitable that they may at times feel frustrated or even resentful at the burden it's placing on you. They may be sad that they are losing the DGF they knew, as well as angry at the unfair expectations he is placing on you and DH, or even guilty that they get to live their lives freely while you are run ragged. Don't try and force empathy and shame any negative feelings, because making space for all feelings is how we move towards acceptance, and if we can accept our own less noble feelings, we are also more able to accept them in others and move towards compassion.