Elderly PIL

27 replies

WinterNightStars · 20/10/2025 16:38

Just after thoughts / advice really. DH is an only one & we live 2hr drive away - forced move due to redundancy 20+ years ago. We both still work, have our own health probs. Our adult DC live in same area as us. With the best will in the world we can’t be there daily or possibly even weekly & it’s a real concern what the future will bring.
PIL are in their 80’s, live in bungalow, no outside help as yet. Neither are particularly well, MIL especially is very up & down. Neither would cope on their own if something happened to the other.
They like the area we live in & have spent a lot of leisure time around here. It would obviously be a huge upheaval if they were to move but both can see the positives of it in that we would be closer, able to help out, especially when one is on their own.
Just interested in experiences & perspectives of those in a similar position. How did you balance the long distance & caring with still working etc.
Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Senseandsensitivity · 21/10/2025 11:07

Dear OP,
As others mentioned, worth thinking about emergency situations, eg one of them suddenly passing or being in hospital.

Do you think they would agree to their son being added as an additional cardholder to their current account, the bank sends a separate debit card. Obviously they have to ask bank to set this up. The thing is you dont know when a crisis will hit.

In my case, and even though we have financial POA, my MIL hasnt "relinquished it" if you like, as she still thinks she is okay (has had a stroke and her judgement and understanding is affected) . She is not inclined to spend money so weve been out of pocket so much until I got this card in place this year for her son to use. Now anything that we are sorting for her (stuff she needs, unexpected hospital admission and needs new night things, new light bulbs, picking up the cats medicine, the cat food we regularly get) we use her card so the money is coming directly from her account. She cant forget and we arent subsidising her (she has a lot more money than we do).

Musicaltheatremum · 21/10/2025 14:54

WinterNightStars · 21/10/2025 05:38

They wouldn’t agree to access to bank / health records unless desperate & that's their choice. They play their cards close to their chest in terms of what they tell us re appts anyway.
Will definitely suggest a cleaner / gardener to them. They’re very reluctant to accept any help or part with their money. They are very comfortable financially so no worries there but won’t spend it.

Their holiday home although a similar distance from their home as we are, is a fairly easy drive on A roads whereas to us it’s predominantly motorway. They don’t like motorway driving. Their health has meant they’ve only had a couple of trips to holiday home this year & they have voiced possibly selling it.
MILs mum moved closer to her for the same reason around 10 years prior to passing away so she’s aware of the difficulties & the difference it made especially whilst MIL was still working herself.
We’ve sent them some links to properties on Rightmove so we’ll see but tbh neither of us think it will happen. It’s a huge upheaval / stress at any age, never mind in your 80s.

I have had POA for my dad for about 8 years but only this last year have we needed it as he found using online banking too much now. Mum had done it all before.
He's with Barclays and I got everything set up within a couple of weeks. They were really helpful and touch wood everything has gone smoothly.
I think maybe just look at his banks and find out how easy it is to do so you could hit the ground running if needed.

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