Trying to get in touch with my parent

[rosesarebeutiful]

Im putting this out for a friend to get some answers and where to go from here.

my father who I’ve not had much of a relationship with I’ve lost touch with for the past few months. He’s on my birth certificate, we’ve been in touch for years over the phone every week and met him approximately 12years ago.

I last spoke to him in July and since then his phone is switched off. I know prior to July his family didn’t know about me. I have 3 step siblings who are all older than me and he ended up having an affair with my mother and then went back to his wife.

I’ve been very anxious as I’ve not heard from him and I messaged his son a ‘fake’ message from a fake account on Facebook to say my uncle was trying to get in touch with his dad and if I could get a number for him or if I send my uncles number they could call. The son refused and said his dad is waiting for a dementia diagnosis and will not speak to anyone.

Im going out of my mind as it’s been so long and I don’t really know where to go from here. I got fed up and messaged them on Facebook and said I believe their father is also my father, however it’s been a few days and they have not checked the message but have been active online.

I want to get advice of what I should do next? Do I keep trying to message but could that go down as harassment (however the son has never told me to stop messaging).

I would appreciate some advice to pass onto my friend x

That sounds really distressing. I would wonder though if your friend has really understood the idea that her dad probably has dementia.

I think I would go to the house and drop off a card, try to see him, but only if she’s prepared to be rebuffed. It sounds as if the family are hunkering down in a difficult time and may not see her as someone to be considered. This is yet another hurtful thing that happens when a person is unfaithful - she has effectively been hurt by her dad again. It’s a time to be a good friend to her, she will need it.

It may also be that he wouldn’t recognise her if she did see him, depending on how bad things have got. That could be incredibly shocking for her if she hasn’t seen the decline up till now, it’s bad enough when you’ve bern there throughout.

From the pov of the (known) family dealing with a dementia diagnosis your friend popping up is, at best, an inconvenience. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but at this point they have enough on their plate. I don’t mean she should give up, just that she shouldn’t be surprised if it’s not a hearts and flowers reunion. It’s a difficult situation all round, and she needs to be prepared to not be the centre of everything.