DP with Parkinson’s and won’t make any plans

[Liondoesntsleepatnight]

I know that inertia and apathy are symptoms of Parkinson’s but my Mum is and always been a terrible procrastinator and passive to a fault. I wouldn’t want her to be my next of kin or in charge of any decisions for me, because she would just choose the easiest, least effort option.

She was widowed at the beginning of lock down, after a long marriage (26 years) with my step father. lives alone, in a fairly rural area where there is nothing, no shops in walking distance. her Parkinson’s diagnosis was 4 years ago but symptoms before then that she ignored.

To get to the point, she’s had to give up driving, done nothing about selling her car. After a horrible fall, multiple broken bones, hip included she now’s living downstairs in her house, hospital bed in dining room, down stairs bathroom and access to kitchen. Carers two days a week, twice each of those days. Hospital transport or taxi to medical appointments. Other than carer visits and hospital appointments she sees no one, can’t leave the house. she gets around on zimmer or walking stick but can walk. I arrange grocery online shopping weekly. I got her an air fryer and she cooks well.

I live a long way away, I collect her and bring her here for a couple/few weeks at a time but recent visit proved that my house isn’t suitable, no down stairs bathroom for example, stairs to bedroom, so these visits will need to stop.

Ive asked her what her plan is, I want to move her to a retirement unit (supported) by me, I’ve offered to help her to move into an apartment or similar in the town by her. I get nothing in response, says that she can’t pack up the house, I’ve said we would be involved, she wouldn’t be expected to do it, I’ve pointed out that selling and buying process takes months, loads of time to sort stuff. I get frustrated because what she really means is that she’s going to do nothing until she has to, i.e. another crisis, then I will have to sort everything - again. I had to sort ground floor living out, lugging furniture, cleaning etc whilst my DH had to stay home with DC’s.

I’m at a loss, I’ve begged her to have a difficult conversation about this, I’ve ploughed on and arranged essential (think fixing dangerous issues) in her house despite her protest only for her to be super grateful and gushing when completed - yet she ignored the dangerous issue for over 10 years! I’ve got upset, lost my shit, told her to grow up and make some plans. I’ve cried with exhaustion in front of her. I’ve pointed out that move near me would improve her life, she loves visiting, I take her out, she loves the area, I would take her to hospital appointments, get her physio etc. if she was in the town in a nice apartment or bungalow she could have it set up nice, with access to things (she’s complaining about not being able to go upstairs to potter and get stuff, yet carers always offer to take her to get anything she wants).

what can I do?

My mum was like this. She needed to move. Said she hated her house but when I offered to help her move she couldn't because her furniture wouldn't fit. Without even looking to see any places for sizes..She couldn't really cope but didn't really want anything to change either. Said she had lots of problems but was never interested in any possible solutions offered.

Unfortunately, she had an incident and died at home in really sad circumstances. It's really painful, but ultimately, you can't force anything, and falling and being alone on the floor is a very real issue. If you feel brave, spell that out. I did, and mum just said I was scaring her. She was too scared to face up to anything, which sadly was her choice.

I wish I'd got some smart tech like an apple watch or something similar, like seeing when her kettle was on, but she refused to pay for WiFi. Sadly, I have her table and her life savings. What was she saving for? Not to protect her life.

I've always been a bit of a procrastinator. I also lost DH during lockdown and I can tell you that lack of focus is definitely a grief response.

There's nothing in your post that suggests you understand how difficult it will be to leave where she lived with her DH or that you have any understanding of grief.

Unfortunately, you won't be able to make her move, no matter how she might benefit from it.
Do you have LPA? This will certainly help when the inevitable happens and you need to sort out moving her.

You can't change her, but it might help a little if you are able to change your midset. It's not that's she's refusing to plan ahead and make changes. She can't do it. She hasn't the capability, any more than she has the capability to run a marathon.

This doesn't help with the practicalities at all, but it saves you wasting effort trying to alter something that can be altered.

If you don't have POA, get that while she still has capacity. Then at least when everything falls apart you will be able to just take over rather than battling to get her agreement and action.

I think you will have to be the one to do it for her. Rather than giving lots of options or choices. Give an option of 2

she can’t do it. It’s not going to happen, once you accept this it will help with frustration. Do as much as you can to move things along and make as many of the decisions that you possibly can.

as someone else said get POA sorted asap

Thank you for all the responses, really helpful. I will change my thinking, it’s not that she “won’t” but “can’t”.

I think I will start things by stealth, just a gradual sorting out of things, like her outbuildings, will suggest we take a look at what is in there and then in the spring arrange for a house clearing company come in and clear it out.

Her indecisiveness has lead to a lot of clutter, might book a home help to help declutter. her indecisiveness is so bad that she can’t even choose from a menu most of the time