Can’t embrace the good times

[Mitzington]

Hi all,

My mum who lives on her own 3.5 hours away has dementia and we’ve had a rough year of urgent hospitalisations for falls and UTIs, often caused by lack of self care and poor nutrition, despite me putting in daily carers (who she doesn’t remember come!), making sure she has regular food deliveries and visiting fortnightly to organise the rest of her life.

I’ve reached what I think is burn out twice this year, after dashes up the motorway when she’s fallen ill, lengthy stays away from home to be near her in hospital, constantly apologising at work, missing holidays and my own health appointments, even suffering a miscarriage (without telling her) last year while I was in hospital with her. I’m now thankfully 7m pregnant with my first, and it’s really weighed on me that I won’t be able to keep doing this. We have a good plan in place to move mum closer to us and into a (v. lovely and expensive) care home.

My question, really, is how do you remain cheerful around your elderly parent when they (without realising or understanding) have become such a worry and a weight in your life? I find even when mum is in a good mood and on a good week, I can’t ‘warm up’ or relax to enjoy it and appreciate it. I know I’m quiet and go into my shell around her. My DH is MUCH better at engaging cheerily and chattily with mum than I am. I am worried about how much I will lose myself with the double whammy of a newborn baby and mum moving to be up the road, but also just feel guilty that I can’t be a nicer, more cheerful daughter to her.

Anyone felt similar?

Congratulations on the soon to arrive baby. Once they are born they will naturally be your priority. You simply won't be able to do the crisis dash up the motorway. I think that your plan of a care home local to you is a very good one and I'd be implementing it as soon as you possibly can. For context I have a frail though fully mentally aware FIL living three hours away so I have some understanding of the difficulty. If you can drop in and see your mum and know she is safe when you're not there then I think that you'll be more relaxed around her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I’ve found that once they’re in a care home it makes everything so much easier. There’s no longer any carers or food deliveries or prescriptions to coordinate or house maintenance to deal with. Or the dashes up the motorway. Or going to hospital appointments. You can still go to the appts if you want to, but the home deals with all of that for mine (there is an extra charge for a carer to accompany but it’s coming from her savings pot rather than me trying to coordinate time off work,
children, long drive, hotel stay).

Less paperwork as there’s just a standing order for payment each month. It just means keeping an eye on any extra like haircuts or carer costs. The home deals with making GP or nurse appointments, arranging vaccinations and ordering prescriptions.

There are some slightly random things to do like labelling all their clothes but I’ve found either the home will do that (again, charged for) or there are people
who advertise this service locally who’ll do it.

Occasional need to drop in more clothes as things get lost or damaged due to the high temperature washing in homes but that’s easy enough if you’re visiting anyway - pick up underwear, nightwear whatever in Sainsburys, take it next time you visit. Same with toiletries.

I agree. A home doesn't mean you're completely off the hook, but you will be able to relax a lot more once she's in. They take on a lot of the practicalities and the thinking, and everything you're left with is less urgent because you know the home will keep her safe until you can deal with it. You'll still get a lot of phonecalls, but most just need a yes or no answer instead of a dash down the motorway.

I think a difficult period with an elderly parent leaves a mark that never completely fades, but it will get better. I’m so sorry that you lost a baby in those circumstances. It’s very sad that you didn’t have your mum’s comfort at that time. You are dealing with all this horribly young by the sound of it.

Im so relieved you will have the care home plan. My mum is in a home now and although I’ll be honest it still isn’t easy emotionally, from a practical point of view it is amazing, and because of that I can keep the emotions in a box a bit more. I can just drop in and see mum, the home are always welcoming, I do a bit of practical stuff but not very much - I order clothes to be delivered to her, I do name them myself with easy name tabs but I do it while I’m there as something to do when I chat. What I hope you find is that your emotional focus will be in your child to be honest. Do what is best for them, and for you as their mother. I’ve no doubt that your mum would want that for you.