When sibling won’t acknowledge parent cognitive decline

[Jumpeduppantry]

Just venting. Very elderly DM has always been a very intelligent person, been sharp as a tack up to relatively recently. Last 12 months has seen a steady decline with DM getting muddled and stressed about anything from appointments and medication to remembering her DGC names. Obviously this is not unexpected in very old age but nonetheless it’s upsetting for everyone and I’ve been doing a lot of stepping in to help and sort problems and now have regular paid help organised to support DM. The issue I have is that DB, who lives abroad and can do no wrong according to DM, totally denies that there’s anything wrong and says I’m exaggerating or that I want things to be worse! It is so annoying and utterly selfish on his part, but DM would be devastated if we fell out so I have to keep a lid on it.
just letting it out on here in attempt to save my sanity!

Denial can be very powerful!

Sounds like he doesn’t want to be involved?

As he lives abroad he’s unlikely to have the full picture. Is it worth even discussing things with him?

Do you have power of attorney?

Sorry if those questions seemed a bit stark OP, it wasn’t meant that way. Is it that you’re feeling the pressure, and instead of getting support, you’re getting denial?

Yes I have POA. He visits UK a couple of times a year but sees these very much as holiday and not an opportunity to help or share the work. He just doesn’t want to acknowledge the decline or get involved. Part of me wishes I could also live in denial but obviously can’t do that without it being catastrophic for DM.

My DM was in denial about my DF’s increasingly obvious cognitive decline for years, and she lived with him! It’s not uncommon, sadly for those who can see the reality.

Even now, with DF in the very late stages of Alzheimer’s and in a nursing home for 3 years unable to speak or move, there is still an element of denial. Some of it is wilful, some of simply because it has, I think, some kind of self-protective quality. It is hugely frustrating and looking back, if it weren’t for the denial then the inevitable crises could have been if not avoided, then mitigated to some extent.

This is a good place to vent as so many of us are in a similar place.

I sympathise. I had this with my sister who also pretty much no contact with my mum. She hadn't seen her in about 3 years when she died!

Now bil is same to dh.."just be grateful they are alive!". To some extent now fil is same about mil following a stroke. He says mil will make a full recovery.

Honestly you will never convince them. Don't try. Let them. While you plan and protect your own sanity. Right now fil thinks he is going back to spending 50% of his life on holiday after mil stroke and it will be as it was before. That makes them happy and it's his job to navigate everything not ours.

Honestly I don't think there's any way to make anyone see the obvious when they refuse too

Sorry to hear about your mum, OP. I think denial is very common with this kind of situation, unfortunately, my DH was a bit guilty of it with his dad. I think when it's your parents and they have always been very independent it's hard to take on that new viewpoint of now you need to look after them.

In one way it's helpful that your DB is overseas and not very involved as you can just go ahead and make the necessary decisions to get your mum the help she needs. Don't discuss it with him just go ahead.

It's not really good you have to do this alone though. Make sure you are accessing all the support you can and don't try to do everything, if there is a way to hire in help or any services you or she are eligible for.

I could have written your post about my PIL. DFIL continued to insist that MIL could get better of she just had the correct interventions - even with she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, dementia, was immobile and doubly incontinent. She was seeing fairies in the living room, talking nonsense to long dead neighbours, wearing a cardigan as a skirt and falling over every five minutes - he didn’t seem to see any of it. 🤷‍♀️

My sibling is like this too. I think it’s common? Maybe don’t want to face reality or genuinely can’t see a problem?

Mine sees our parent about twice a year and occasionally rings them. But, having been there when they’re on the phone, sibling talks about what he’s doing, barely lets parent get a word in, then announces they seem fine!

Parent can pass if you’re with them for a short period or only have limited conversations but after a while the limited range of conversation and repetition becomes more obvious.

Just have minimal communication with him. Don’t expect any support from him as he’s clearly not going to give it. He can see for himself, next time he can be bothered to.

I can understand it TBH. Having been through the whole horrible dementia business with FiL, I refused to believe it when elder sister said she thought she saw very early signs in DM. Eventually the dreaded penny had to drop, though.

It was when DM, who’d always been very clued up about finances, phoned her bank about something, and could not remember, literally the instant she’d put the phone down, what they’d said. 🙁

We've had similar in our family. The siblings that live abroad spent ages blissfully denying there was an issue. I think some are slowly realizing now. It's incredibly frustrating but just try to ignore as best you can. Sorry you're having to go through this

We had the same thing. My DF lived abroad, and I had been looking after an older (related) family member in the UK with long term (spread gradually over about 15 years before it became a serious problem) cognitive decline, so I knew what to look out for and was actively looking for it. I spoke to DF on the phone for at least an hour every week, sometimes several times, and he also wrote a weekly round-robin letter which sometimes highlighted coherence problems or memory loss when we talked about something he had literally typed out the day before.

As it turned out he died suddenly of a heart attack, but afterwards his partner and friends all agreed that he had been showing obvious signs for about a year. But my sister refused to believe us and told us we were all deluded, and that he'd been fine. She was also proud of her track record of deleting his emails unread, and although she'd been out to see him about five months before he died she could go for months at a time without speaking to him.

I sometimes wonder if the wilful denial is a defence to not actually being involved in dealing with it. For me it was a stark reminder of how little respect my sister had for our DF.

I'm not sure what you can do, to be honest, apart from continue to deal with it head on and hope the sibling eventually draws their own conclusions. Certainly don't ask sibling's permission for day to day stuff, just get on with it.

Denial does absolve people of responsibility. But I almost had a mental breakdown but no one would support me in trying to contact consultants, the gp, setting up LPA etc. It's all fine and lovely for those in Denial but someone has to face reality. It's sad seeing dh starting to experience the start of this for himself. If someone can pass the burden too, there's a element of that sometimes too

Dont get me started on siblings aborad who dont see the issues....

They yap on with their ideas about what YOU should be doing and then put the phone down thinking how useful their advice has been.

If you call them out and say come over and see what is happening its never convienent. It isnt convienent for me when the care home used to call me when Mum fell just as I was getting into bed, when Dad refused food or medication and they thought I needed to know.

Thanks for your supportive posts. The situation just infuriates me, my DB just refuses to see the problems and never has to lift a finger, in fact it doesn’t cross his mind that he might actually help. He seems to think that I enjoy running around sorting out problems. I get that denial is a self preservation thing but I don’t have the option to be in denial, unless I let things go into crisis and let my DM suffer the consequences. I think his denial of reality is very selfish and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him. He could help even from abroad by at least being interested in what’s happening and acknowledging that it’s stressful, but he never does.

My take - he (subconsciously or not) doesn't want to be drawn in. Denial is the first line of defense.
That said, he's abroad anyway.
Don't waste any of your precious energy arguing with him. Won't get you anywhere.
Let stony silence, "mmm", or "really, Nigel" be your friends.
The upside is that, being abroad, he can't interfere too much, particularly if you never tell him anything. I mean, if he's so sure your Mum is A-OK, what is there to tell..?

If he wants to gamble that he'll never ever have to rely on you in future, that's his choice. If that's the role model he's setting for his own kids, a bold choice, but his nonetheless...

I sympathise OP - it’s incredibly frustrating & does feel self preserving, selfish & negligent IMO. I absolutely get how we all would like to live in denial & be absolved of any responsibility like the family members we all encounter who seem incapable of seeing the glaringly obvious. And totally - things would be so much more straightforward if people could co-operate regarding their loved one. I feel I am having to fight a codependent enmeshed family member to acknowledge my elderly mother’s needs - when she would be quite compliant otherwise & receptive to help. It’s for me I think - atm anyway - the worst part of this horrible journey. Solidarity to all x