Just had an embarrassing breakdown in front of my boss

[Tubestrike]

My Sister and I care for our elderly mother, we also have carers come in. She's waiting for a hip replacement and we were told she's on the urgent list and it should be about 3 months until the operation, she's had all the pre op assessments. I gave the hospital a chase and they now say it will be over a year.

Shes in so much pain, can't get out of her chair without someone almost lifting her, we now can't get her in the shower as she's so so unsteady and a fall waiting to happen. She suffers from severe anxiety and calls us multiple times a day. I stay with her one night in the week and try and work from hers which is impossible as she keeps shouting for me, normally when I'm in a teams meeting, if I don't go into her, she phones me and then calls my sister. Also go to her at the weekend, I'm an hours drive away.

We suspect dementia is creeping in but the hip op would at least make it possible for her to move easier.
We are looking at care homes (£8000 + a month) and will have to sell the home she's been in for 67 years. One minute she wants to move, the next she doesn't.

We're exhausted and my lovely boss asked me how I'm doing this morning and I just broke down, she's told me to just 'mouse wiggle' today so I can have a bit of a break from work.
It's all just so sad.

That all sounds exhausting for you. I'm glad you have a lovely boss, at least.

Commenting for solidarity as in a similar boat and it’s shit. My boss and I had a little cry together yesterday as he is also deep into caring for a parent with dementia and mobility issues.
Send unmumsnetty hugs 💐

I am so sorry.
Can you possibly get the money together to get the operation done privately?
I know it shouldn't be necessary, but there really isn't any alternative, given that the 3 months might turn into a much longer wait.

Sorry you're having such a difficult time.

My DF needs a bit of help but is generally pretty good, but I'm absolutely knackered going round so often and doing lots of things to help him, so I can't even imagine how exhausted you must be.

As others have said any chance of going private to have it done sooner at least then she would be comfortable.

Great you've got such a good boss. Try and take a bit of time for a break.

Hi OP - for the last year, we went through something similar with my dad. He was in absolute agony with his hip and had lost all mobility and independence. Totally housebound and depressed and it was just horrendous for us all, both in caring for him and in trying to manage our own mental health.

Firstly, is your mum on the right meds? My dad was on oral morph and zomorph pre-op. It didn’t take the pain away but it reduced it from an utterly unbearable to a ‘just about bearable’.

Secondly, for showers, if you don’t have one, a shower chair and grab rails will help the carers enormously (reducing fall risk significantly). And finally, be a real pain in the bum when it comes to advocating for your mum’s op. The NHS is under a huge amount of pressure but I found that advocating (with the right person) politely and persistently really helped. I got to know the surgeon’s secretary as well as the lovely woman who managed the waiting list. I explained how unrelentingly awful day to day life was and I know they both fought for my dad too. The good news is, he had his op three months ago and the change in his life is incredible. At 80, he has other mobility problems anyway but the op instantly cured his pain and within 24 hours he was on his feet (albeit with a zimmer). We did also consider private (cost of around £13,000) but in the end, the NHS appointment came through.

I think also, until your mum has her hip done, you probably can’t make any decisions about care (obviously if she’s diagnosed with dementia, that’s different). Hopefully you get some answers soon.

I wouldn’t worry too much about your boss - she sounds lovely and understanding.

Your poor mum and poor you and your sister. You do sound exhausted. It is exhausting, I looked after my elderly increasingly unwell, frail mum for years and it finally made me ill. She did eventually move to a home, similar expense but she never really settled, it was certainly better than when she was at home but it came with its problems. She was well
cared for there but she hated it. Like your mum, before she moved, she went between wanting the move and not wanting it. I don’t think it turned out to be what she expected, similar to her gran (who lived in a home in the 1950s, I expect things have changed since then).

I’m not sure what wiggle the mouse is but it sounds a plan and it’s good that your boss is sympathetic. Many of us are dealing with these sort of issues, it’s a tough road. Until you do it it’s impossible to know how exhausting it is. Sending you hugs. I hope you can sort something out for the hip, that sounds awful

We've been down the private route but have been told it has to be done by the NHS as she's high risk and private hospitals don't have the facilities (HDU) , the NHS hospital she's having the op in don't offer the option of going private. We have had appointments at a couple of private hospitals and they've said they won't do it.

@justhomeshortly shes on morphine pills and oxy codone , it doesn't seem to touch the pain but at least makes her sleepy.
She has a walk in shower, chair and grab rails but is so scared she'll fall, it takes soooo much cajoling and we used to be able to get her to have a shower but the last few weeks, she's refused.
She can just about stand but her hip gives way and she falls.

We were told by the consultant that her op was marked as urgent and the wait would be about 3 months. I spoke to the orthopaedic secretary and she said he should never have told us that (It's written on the letter we received when we got all the info about the operation) as this hospital has a blanket 'no urgent elective surgery' and it's down to management not the doctors.
I have written to PALS and the secretary , pleading our case, she has passed it onto the consultant that we saw .

Thank you all for your solidarity xx It's not just popping in to make a bit of lunch, it's so much more than that and I feel for all of us in the same boat.

I totally get the shower thing. In the last few weeks before my dad’s op, the carers had to give him a bit of a strip wash in the living room - even with a wheelchair, it was impossible to move him into the walk-in shower to have a proper wash. I totally empathise and I think it’s awful that it has to get THIS bad before a person gets their surgery.

Really good that you’re able to advocate for her - sounds like you’ve got all your bases covered. Hope you get some positive news soon.

Totally agree. If you have a good relationship with your parents, you’ll likely carry the emotional weight also. Seeing someone you love in distress and pain is awful.

The bathroom isn't very big, we've taken the door off to make more room, but with mum , her walker and the carers it's so squashed and not safe really.

It's a downstairs bathroom and you can see into it when you come through the front door. I was on the loo a little while ago , the carers let themselves in and caught me mid wee. You've got to laugh else you'll cry!

Ask her gp for lidocaine patches.

She has had patches before, I don't think they were lidocaine, isn't that a local anaesthetic, her hip joint has all but disintegrated, its bone on bone, would lidocaine help?

I don’t think lidocaine will help. At this point, the only cure is a hip replacement and until then, drugs to at least reduce the agony a little.

Why not give a bed bath ,it will reduce anxiety and pain.

She does have stand up strip washes but has to take breaks . The carers aren't great to be honest, there's only a 2 of them that would shower her. I'm seeing her this weekend so will suggest a bed bath , I feel our relationship as mother and daughter has gone though, it's so difficult doing personal care for your mother.

Just feeling for you so much. Can’t think of a thing you haven’t already tried, which shows how much you are putting into this.

Email your MP?? Doesn’t take too long and keeps the (huge, knotty, difficult) issue at the front of their minds. You never know, it might actually achieve something as well.