Increasingly demanding, difficult elderly mother

[Letmeoutodhere]

So many threads about demanding parents.

I have an 88 year old mother who I have never had a good relationship with. She can be spiteful, unkind and ungenerous. I really don't have any good memories of her and she's upset me so much over the years. I have had many long periods of not being in touch. In the past couple of years she has become very erratic, confused and often rude. I suspect dementia.

I am the one closest to her geographically which means I get all of her demands and difficult behaviour. I try to avoid her as much as possible, but every so often there is a crisis where she is demanding I rush round and sort things out. Inevitably, at the time she is grateful, but then becomes rude, insulting and doesn't appreciate what i have done. I would rather not do anything.

Today was a case in point, I have ordered a replacement fridge for her with her full permission. All day she has been phoning me, messaging me and sending me confused messages. I take the sixth call of the day and she tells me she can't cope with all these phone calls, and please can I leave her alone.

I just can't cope with her. What do I do?

Enlist your siblings/adult children/other relatives and work out a rota for looking out for your mum. You can’t do this on your own.

One sibling lives at the other end of the country. Another isn’t really speaking to her and works full time. There is no one else apart form her church members who help her a lot.

Can you get her to the GP to get the ball rolling on a memory diagnosis?

I appreciate it won't make her nicer but or easier to deal with but at least you and your siblings will know the score.

Carers. Get them in once a day.

From what I have seen it is carers and boundaries. But it’s not so easy.
Also often you have to let the crisis come.

She doesn't qualify for carers . She had a memory test at the GP a few years ago which I attended with her. I am just exhausted with her , I can't do it anymore.

Why doesn’t she qualify for carers ? You had a memory test a few years ago and now she’s 88. There could well be symptoms of dementia now. Have you had a social services assessment of care needs ? If not, you can either arrange this through your GP or self refer to social services. The assessment for home care depends on need and she may be asked to contribute something towards the cost depending on her means. Make it clear that you are not available to provide care full time or you will be left with the responsibility.

I don't provide care full time! I try to do what I can but I can't stand her quite honestly and do as little as I can. I don't want to get into getting social services to do an assessment, she will resent it and not co operate anyway.

Help her fill out the form to claim attendance allowance. That will give her about £400 per month if she is awarded the high rate. That is money to pay for some care ,

attendance allowance also opens the door to a blue badge which is awarded to the person not a specific car.

@Letmeoutodhere if you refer to SS and make it very clear you're not willing to do anything at all fir her tgen they will need to step in. Tgey may contact your siblings who may help or nay also say no. If that's tge case then whether she likes it or not, she will need to accept whatever support is offered.

I have a very similar situation but with my elderly gran. Surprisingly she's now accepting support she wouldn't before, is far more pleasant no longer constantly moaning or demanding of us.

Boundaries are 100% your friend. Just because you share dna with someone, does not mean you need to put up with toxic behaviour or feel any responsibility for them. Some little old ladies are the exact opposite of how they are typically portrayed.

Look after yourself.

You can choose whether or not to help, or how much, to someone who sounds pretty awful, not just in the present, but historically.

It’s hard to know the details as an outsider of course, only YOU know. but if things are as bad as you imply, you owe her nothing.

GP/dementia assessment might be more useful for her going forward. As would buying in care, or else free from social services if she doesn’t qualify. But if she won’t co-operate that’s on her 🤷‍♀️. Unless you are hoping for some kind of inheritance payback, it seems utterly pointless to be running round after such a selfish woman, and even then …

Dealing with someone you can’t stand is always very draining. Best to absolutely minimise it.

Boundaries are your friend

^ this to the power of 10.

What would you say to a friend who was spending their time and energy dealing with someone "spiteful, unkind and ungenerous"?
I know she's your mother and lord knows that comes with all the irrational obligation and guilt,
but give yourself permission to take a step back mentally and practically.

I read the threads in here and it seems many people are dealing with far worse. I find it hard not to blame myself for being uncaring.

Don't do it any more. She gave you a shitty childhood and she can't even be civil now when you are the only child providing any help or support. Be like the sibling that doesn't talk to her any more. Let her church friends help her if they feel inclined to do so.

She has alienated all her children so she will need to reap what she has sown. Don't feel guilty. Just pull right back.

They may well be, you for example are dealing with worse than me. There's always someone 'worse'. That doesn't mean that you or I or anyone else should break ourselves trying (hoping) that someone will change and make things easier or make us feel appreciated.

I 100% agree with you.

I would go away for a long holiday and not take my phone

Someone else will have to step up meantime and reset

Please , please Step back.
This is Abuse.
Plain and simple
if your dh treated you like this it would be LTB.
How come your dm get carte Blanche?
No, no more.
Let the calls go to voice mail
Her church friends will help.
And I bet she shows them 100 percent more respect
be strong
save your time and energy for someone who appreciate it

With mine, who was equally nasty, I found the best way was to think of her as a difficult, elderly customer. I have one objective which is to resolve the immediate problem, ensure she is safe and move on.

Any conversation outside of that is polite, superficial and immediately forgotten. I have elderly customers who complain at me about their bunions and failing eyesight (I'm not a medical professional), their neighbours, the state of the country etc.

I sort the issue I am responsible for, say "lovely to speak to you but I must go, the other phone is ringing" and hang up. Whatever they told me is instantly forgotten, not taken personally. Just background noise.

It's a balancing act between avoiding daughter-guilt and not letting her abuse you all over again. Taking regular holidays and weekends away (even if only in the garden 😎) is a good idea. Make it clear you are not at her beck & call.

This is great advice. It's what Im trying to do at the moment. She is obviously desperate for interaction and conversation, but I swoop by, sort the issue and disappear. It does make me feel sad though as she is obviously so lonely. I just know the nasty comments etc will start if I soften even a bit.

She may be ‘sad’ through not getting the attention she feels she deserves, but really this is on her OP, it’s of her own making. She is responsible, not you.

Most of us who have had abusive mothers would have wanted a genuine relationship, or at least one without the abuse. At various times we may have probably tried to have one, until the final dawning realisation it’s not possible. Personally I’ve had many periods of no contact, and she deserved to be totally jettisoned to be honest.

But for a couple of reasons I keep in touch now. She’s late 80s, and do a few things for her (not many). I do the minimum and I keep contact to the minimum. Very little personal sharing. Superficial conversations only. I call once a week and visit every 4 - 6 weeks for a full day. It’s taken me a while to implement, it’s not been easy, and it’s not full proof. But it mostly works.

I hope you can find an approach and distancing that works for you.

I don’t even spend a full day with her. An hour or two as infrequently as possible . I don’t call her every week either. Honestly, I keep it to the absolute bare minimum. I can’t stand being around her.

It sounds like you are doing well OP. I wish I could call less! I only stay longer during visit because I live far away. I usually visit around 8 times a year now. I try and keep busy with practical stuff and even pop to the shop for her - to minimise chat. It’s tough to have to do things this way but that’s the way it is. The other thing is to focus on my life, first and foremost.

God op its difficult. I have same. I did few hours today she 80s. Thats all Im able for mentally.. few hours home help but not huge. I feel drained too at times. 3 siblings so we share it out

It’s the strain of feeling all the time that
shes waiting for me to get in touch and visit. It’s like trying to keep a leak out. I wish I had never moved to live closer. Everytime I do sort something out for her it backfires on me . If I have organised something she wants me to be responsible for all subsequent fall out. It’s so draining.