Aunt driving me potty!

[NeverCouldGetTheHangOfThursdays]

I feel the need to vent a little because my aunt is driving me just a little bit round the bend!

Part of me feels really sorry for her. She moved to the US from the UK in the early 70s and more or less cut herself off from her family. However, it seems that now she's older (78) and not in great health she's realised that she has absolutely no-one in her life. No family in the US and not one single friend. I'm the only person who she has to talk to about anything.

However, the other part of me wants to reach down the phone and give her a bloody good shake and tell her to do something about her situation or shut up with the constant negativity!

She started calling me just over a year ago after she asked my DM (her sister) for my number. I agreed she could have it in the hope she wouldn't then try to call my DM so often; she's 88 and has had her own (serious) health issues and really doesn't need the hassle.

Aunt is the most self-absorbed person I have ever come across and she clearly has mental health issues, though to what extent I don't know. She will often call me several times a week. It has been every day on occasion. If I don't answer she'll immediately try again. Yesterday, between 4.20pm and 5.30pm I had 9 missed calls and 3 voicemails. I'd put my phone on DND because... well, I just couldn't. Every single phone call is the same. She's so stressed, nobody will help her, everybody lets her down, everybody lies to her, everybody is cruel to her, she's so ill, nobody cares, blah blah blah. She does have health problems, including diagnosed OCD that she's never engaged in any therapy/treatment for, and mobility issues (housebound) but I don't know if it's actually as bad as she says. She self diagnoses a lot. Her latest self diagnosis is brain damage due to stress.

In the last 45 minutes she has again tried to call me 9 times and she's left 2 voicemails. I'd only been in from work for half an hour when she first called and I have to go back at 6. I just wanted a sit down and coffee in peace.

I've tried to set boundaries. I've told her time and time again that I don't just sit anticipating a call, I do stuff, I live my life. If I don't answer the phone it's because I'm busy or don't have my phone with me (if I'm upstairs or in the garden with the dog for example). I won't phone her back but I do occasionally text, mainly to reassure her that I don't purposely ignore her (I do).

I feel that I've taken on the role of unpaid therapist and I honestly don't know how long I can keep it up. I probably will though because of that part that feels a wee bit of compassion. Bugger.

I'm so sorry, this turned out to be a bit longer than intended but it feels good to get it out! If you've read it all thank you, you're a star!

If she's housebound does she not get some support from social services? Does she need more help from them? How does she do her shopping even? Is there a local befriending service? People from church/ whatever faith group she belongs to etc. How far away from you is she? Totally fair of you to just not answer the phone sometimes, provided that you've previously clearly stated when you WILL be available (e.g. weekend afternoons and/ or after 7.00 p.m. in the week), but then you have to stick to that yourself as she'll probably ignore the directive, but you at least will have put some boundaries around it.

Brain damage due to stress? I would tell her shes giving you brain damage from all the needless calls.

Unless your prepared to tell her to stop, there isnt much you can do unfortunately.

Simple answer is block her number, you have no obligations and this is a one way street situation.

sad fact of the matter is she is going to die alone abroad.

Oh dear!

I think you have two choices:

If you want a relationship with her, then "reach down the phone and give her a bloody good shake and tell her to do something about her situation or shut up with the constant negativity!"

If you're not particularly keen on a relationship, ignore / block / whatever.

She made her bed, etc, and if the support from you dries up she will find it elsewhere.

I say all this as someone constitutionally incapable of assertive action... I'd probably be on the phone to her right now, empathising 😜

Thanks for the replies 😊

I know the simple answer would be to block her number but there are two reasons why I can't bring myself to do that. Firstly, she would turn her attentions to my DM (the only other family member who will speak to her) and the whole purpose of allowing aunt to have my number in the first place was to prevent that. Secondly, although any interaction with her is frustrating, exasperating and mentally exhausting I do have a little compassion for her situation and recognise that I am literally the only person that she feels is on her side. I feel incredibly conflicted at times.

With regard to outside help, social services etc... aunt constantly tells me that she's "reached out" for help but that nobody will. She says they always let her down, they're unreliable, they lie to her, they're incompetent. Truth is that she won't engage or cooperate with them. For example she point blank refuses to allow anyone inside her condo due to her OCD but then also refuses to acknowledge that that in itself makes some forms of assistance impossible. Nothing is ever her fault, she is a perpetual victim. I've tried making suggestions but she always rejects them, saying it's pointless because everybody is useless and nobody understands. I quote: "NeverCould, I am so knowledgeable and they're all so stupid! I don't know anybody who's as intelligent as I am! You don't know what I have to put up with". A very, very brief talk with a social worker last year when aunt was in hospital revealed that aunt's baseline is "delusional". I was totally unprepared for speaking with her and so didn't ask the right questions at the time but that did at least give a small insight.

I know I only really have two choices: go totally NC or resign myself to the fact that this is my life now until such time as, for whatever reason, she is unable to call. Because I'm not totally heartless I will continue to answer her calls (only if and when I feel like it) and make what I hope are the right noises during what are mainly one way conversations. She does initially ask how I am and how my DM is but quickly turns to talking about herself and her problems.

It probably appears pointless posting here but actually just the exercise of writing it down and offloading is extemely helpful.

Off load all you like. I totally get it. Her personality is not going to change. How open is she to frankness? If she were in the UK, she would need to build strategies for this phase of her life. Which means finding courage and perseverance to build even mild social connections there

You are very kind to provide a listening ear to such a difficult and irrational relative. Could you tell her that when you don't answer her calls, it is because you are busy and the constant repeat calls are making you stressed and anxious? Tell her that you will always try to call her back when you have the time to speak but if she persists in the numerous repeat calls that are verging on harassment, you will need to block her number.

She is currently being rewarded for her bad behaviour.

What a hard situation. I would try and shift your mindset from feeling like you need to fix her situation. That might ease the pressure you feel. Maybe you can just listen and be sympathetic but let it wash over you and it won't be such a toll for you? I am often guilty of taking people's stress on as I want to fix their problems but it's not possible to do.

Compassion is not just giving people what they want regardless of your needs. If you are her latest compulsion you are mostly feeding her OCD not really making her feel better. Does your aunt actually get any pleasure from talking to you?

You don't have to keep accepting her calls the same way your DM doesn't either. There is a choice and it's fine to choose either option. Let yourself believe you have a choice and it again might make the calls easier as you feel more active in the decision. You can decide it's worth it to "save " your DM from it or that it isn't.

You could also block her every other day to limit the interactions on your own terms.

Could you make a timetable for speaking to her that feels bearable? Eg Monday Wednesday and Friday at 7pm for maximum 20 minutes ? Then other days ignore her apart from one text-‘sorry very busy today will phone tomorrow’. She’ll know someone cares and you won’t have abandoned her. And when you speak just sympathise rather than trying to talk sense because I don’t think she’s able to be rational.

You could block her from both your phones and just call her every now and then. Then you’re not completely blanking her, but it’s on your terms op. Take back the control .

At the end of the day she lives on the US and I presume you are in the UK. There isn't anything you can physically do so are just a sounding board. I would do as PP have said and set boundaries that you will speak to her on a set date at a set time. I would not answer or call her back in-between that, if she cannot comply then you have little choice but to cut her off. If she starts on your Mother then change her number.

You need to block her number. It’s not your job to rescue your mum from her sister. They were both alive long before you were and don’t need you. You realise you can’t actually make things better don’t you? Your aunt made her choices and they are hers to deal with.

Agree with this.
ive now let every call go to voicemail, but will be there in an emergency
If she’s so intelligent, just reassure her she will be able to figure it all out herself
Tell your dm to block her too.
You have one life
focus on people who enrich you
They need attention too
Yiur aunt brought this on herself
you aren’t her emotional dumping ground.

This sounds so hard. Supporting someone with high mental health needs is really challenging, and if she isn’t engaging in any professional help this will just endlessly continue/ get worse.

I would make it clear to her that you are very busy and want to be able to speak to her when you have the time/head space, so will only be able to talk on x day at x time. Example, ‘we can talk in the phone on Sunday mornings at 11am. ‘Then you have a handy activity (excuse) lined up for half 11 that you need to end the call to go to. Reminding her of the scheduled call next week as you say goodbye. Make sure you don’t answer the calls outside of this time , as this will make it confusing and likely create anxiety for her - like ‘if I keep ringing they might answer like they did that Tuesday morning when I called 10 times!’. It may be kinder to block her number and only unblock at the agreed time, so this is clearer for her.

You are kind to continue with this, but she clearly isn’t able to moderate or boundary this , so you will have to do this for the both of you.

I think what you're doing currently is fine and is a kindness to a difficult old lady. She doesn't want or need you to fix anything, she was wants someone to vent to.
It's up to you how much you take. You can choose when to answer and when to text. Have your own vent about how frustrating it is to someone else.
She's not going to change.

I was going to say similar. Answer the phone and say ‘I’m busy at the moment, you can phone on x day at x o clock’.

You realise this potentially could go on for many years? The moral of the story: being “nice” in this way often backfires I find. Once you start being available for a “relationship” based mostly on feeling sorry for someone (rather than genuine positive friendship and family feeling) it’s quite hard to end, as you don’t want to “hurt” their feelings.

Some people with physical or mental issues can be very selfish/ self-involved. Plus I find they tend not to care about you in a personal way. (Not all by the way).

So over time acting “nice or caring” to them can become an act of self-abnegation, which can feel pretty unpleasant, like a covert act of self harm.

Sensitive and compassionate people are not here to fix the world of selfish people, who often get on just fine btw without one’s “help”. I think they tend to move on fast. Any genuine compassion for others should always be balanced by compassion for oneself. PS. It’s interesting that your aunt moved continents in her early 70s, something many people would think twice about doing at that age ! She’s had plenty of time to change her decision and on some level must be pretty capable.

From bitter experience, it's quite difficult to block someone totally on a mobile. You need to disable voicemails (blocked numbers can still leave voicemails), block the number and stop notifications that the number has called. Iirc they can still get through if they withhold their number. They also find out if you've blocked them when you call.

Is blocking the voicemails an option? Having voicemails piling up drove me round the bend, and I'm used to not having them on now.

But I think you have to tell her that you'll call her once a week or put some sort of boundary in place to stop the repeat phone calls.

I read the OP as saying her aunt had moved to the US in the 70s, ie the 1970s, when she would have been in her 20s, not that she moved in her 70s. So she has had around 50 years over there to build up a social support network etc, and has failed to do so, which I presume says something about her personality.

OP, I think continuing to only answer or return the calls when you have the time and emotional energy is the best policy, plus venting on here or to people in real life when you can. At least you are not on the same continent so you can't get sucked in to trying to provide direct support for someone who sounds like she is really not willing or able to accept any real help.

Oops, my error. But it doesn’t really change things. If anything, after 50 YEARS of more or less cutting herself off from family, she now decides she needs their attention and support, so that makes the back story even more odd, and more selfish perhaps.

I agree with saying/texting to your aunt something like "I'm busy now but call me on Saturday at 10am and I can chat for 10 mins" and then at the end of 10 mins just say you have something with your kids or a class to go to or someone is at the door - have many many excuses ready to get off the phone and stick to 10 mins once a week - you could even say 'speak next Saturday!" at the end of each call and choose a day/time when you can cope with a chat but don't feel bad about cutting it short - keep it bright and breezy and remind her how busy your life is with work/kids/cleaning/hobbies/gardening etc. etc. You sound lovely but it will bring you down if this goes on for years

I'm so grateful for these responses! It's really useful to get outside perspectives too, thank you all of you 😊

Most of the time I'm able to cope with aunt - I put my phone on loudspeaker and do something else while she bemoans her life. I make appropriately sympathetic noises and let it all wash over me. Very occasionally though, like now, I get to the point of near overwhelm and need to let it out.

Some of the suggestions here I can definitely work with. I do feel that I've tried to give her boundaries but maybe I need to be more direct. Giving her a certain day to call and limiting its duration is a good idea, I'll do that for sure. Telling her some whopping great lies in order to preserve my own sanity is acceptable, right?

@CrowdControl a couple of your points are spot on. I don't have, and have never had, a close relationship with her. She was in her early 20s when she emigrated and I was very young. I've met her only a handful of times in my 57 years. Until her first call to me in July '24 I hadn't spoken to her for 20 years. She doesn't care about me on a personal level.

@SoloSofa24 you're right. She's been in the US for a little over 50 years and has not one single friend there. She has 4 siblings and 3 of them want nothing to do with her and are totally NC, likewise my several cousins. Her personality/behaviour is... difficult to say the least. Narcissistic possibly, delusional definitely. I'm so glad there is an ocean between us with zero possibility of that ever changing!

I've got to say thank you again to all of you for allowing me to offload and listening to me. It's been a huge help and I feel lighter and more positive. It's amazing what a little interaction with some internet strangers can do!

One option: block her, and take her off block once a week and if she calls that day, answer. After that call, block again.

Another option: be very blunt and rude and tell her what you think of her. As in "Intelligent, ha ha. You're not even bright enough to accept the help you could access if you would just be a bit more co-operative - seems very stupid to me". Or "after over fifty years where you are, you have no friends there, and most of your family members won't speak to you. The common factor here is you; you have driven away everyone in your life with your awful behaviour". Or "You didn't want to know me for decades and now it seems like all I am is a sounding board for self-pity and complaints". You might find she doesn't want to call you any more.

If I were you I'd be a bit concerned that she'll move back to the UK for free NHS care and decide that she's going to live near you and you'll be her carer. To avoid that, don't you think it's worth just biting the bullet and ending the relationship? You could talk it through with your dm and agree to do it at the same time. Tell her you (both) don't wish to remain in contact, tell her (succinctly) why, block. Just rip the plaster off. It beats living with the constant stress she's giving you. You've acknowledged she doesn't really care about you and never did, so you know - cuts both ways. I know, you're concerned about dm. But if you and she can face up to things together, it'll work.

Thank you @Elsvieta. It's not in my nature to be as blunt and rude as that (unless I'm really, really pissed off. So it might happen before too long!) but what you've said there really does sum her up. It made me chuckle too.

I'm absolutely 100% confident that she will never return to the UK, she's not physically up to it and has said as much. So that's a blessing!

Thanks to the suggestions here I think I've formulated a plan going forward to (hopefully) significantly reduce the number of calls. I won't cut her off completely just yet but limiting the frequency and duration of calls will be more bearable and not as likely to stress me so much. I'll ask DM if she'd like me to set up Call Protect on her landline to block aunt's number.

Very wise words @CrowdControl