I can’t face the funeral

[BeMintFatball]

I’m an only child. My mother is very frail but still alive.

I have had a difficult time with her relatives and her wishes. I have made a few threads on this board over the last few months.

I have come to realise I can’t face a funeral. My father’s was very traumatic. As I said I am an only child. I was not mentioned at my own father’s funeral. The celebrant went further and said this to me “ You weren’t close to your father , were you?” My father decided he no longer loved me at the end. But I was the one who helped him into a more comfortable position, helped him with the oxygen tank. Stayed with him and held his hand in his last hours. I never abandoned him.

I can see why the celebrant would have thought that at the funeral but he didn’t know anything about me. I have uncontrollable epilepsy. It was a burial. I was truly terrified I’d have a seizure and fall into the grave. I didn’t want to throw earth in the coffin but felt pressured into it. I edged very gingerly to the grave. I appreciate that might seem comedic to anyone reading this but it was a real fear.

I did think about complaining and it might have given me closure but I didn’t. I did speak with my mother about it. Her take on it is she doesn’t understand how I got left out. She told the celebrant how the grandkids were his life. The grandkids being my children. Kind of without me there would be no them.

I know my mum wants to be cremated. I also know that after she passes she doesn’t want to be brought back to house in the coffin. She wants to go straight to the crematorium from the undertakers. Do I arrange a direct cremation.

Do I arrange funeral but don’t go?

Do I have a separate celebration of life service for the relatives to attend and not go to that.

Generally I believe you regret what you don’t do more. Should I just suck it up even though I don’t think my mental health it take
it.

is there a solution I haven’t considered?

I think a direct cremation sounds the best idea, you could have a celebration of her life at any later date if you want one.
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If you are the person who is arranging the funeral and there aren't other invested members of your family, you can do what you want. For my dad's funeral it went like this (I didn't arrange, my sister did, but I was involved in decisions and discussions):

• My dad died at the hospice
• Undertakers picked him up from the hospice
• We set a date for a short service and cremation at the crematorium
• We briefed the celebrant on what was to be said / what went into the service
• There was a celebration of life / wake straight aftewards at our local pub: low key, sandwiches, anyone who had been to the funeral
• We collected my dad's ashes and scattered them

My uncle expressly didn't want a funeral. He was cremated with no service. We had a celebration of life with the family when we scattered his ashes.

My aunt wanted a natural burial. We had a short service at the graveside with a humanist celebrant and went to a pub afterwards.

Really: you are in charge. Figure out what meets your needs; and it is usually a nice thing to do to arrange SOMETHING for others who loved her but it can be on your terms.

Good luck.

Direct cremation and you can remember them in your own way. If anyone asks, tell them that was your parents wish and that will stop them sticking their noses in.

I hate funerals as well and really don't understand why we torture ourselves just because it's always been done like that.

I think suck it up (sorry) but maybe write a letter to the funeral directors explaining what happened with your dad's funeral, how difficult you are likely to find this and to not put any pressure on you. It's easier handing it over then saying it, and you could even write it now if it would help.

I know it's a risky different situation but I have a severe medical phobia and required surgery. I wrote in detail a letter and handed it over to the surgeon and she did the suggested changes and it went fine.

I think you'd more likely regret not having a funeral.

You don’t have to do anything.
Late DH had mentioned direct cremation. His family (2 siblings) didn’t want that. When the time came I just could not cope with a funeral. I had spent months nursing him and it was a traumatic death. I simply couldn’t cope with standing there, receiving well wishes from people and having everyone around me, looking at me, expecting comfort, from me.
The siblings hadn’t even been anywhere near for the last few years of his life.

A couple of months on I did feel sadness. There would have been an awful lot of people there, and it possibly would have brought a little comfort to know he was so loved, but I did what I needed to at the time. There will be a quiet scattering of his ashes when I feel able. His siblings are free to organise their own live celebration if they wish.

I’m sorry your fathers send off was so awful for you.

My parent has just passed away. I've arranged a direct cremation for them and we are having a celebration of life party in a few weeks time for family and friends.
Something you need to be aware of regarding a truly direct cremation is that you can't put anything in the coffin like a keepsake or even arrange clothing if they are going direct from a hospital mortuary although this probably won't be a problem if going from home. Also, it most probably won't be a local crematorium but one several miles away and the coffin will possibly be dealt with around other booked standard cremations at either end of the day. The whole process isn't personal at all but my parent was very pragmatic about it, as am I, and it was what they wanted.

Realistically, you are the one who has to deal with all this so you must make arrangements to suit your own wellbeing.

MIL passed away in July. Different situation but she donated her body to medical science. So I guess she hasn’t been cremated yet. She decided she didn’t want a funeral, and gave her funeral fund away to family.
Family held a celebration of life a couple of weeks later where FIL spoke and told everyone about her life, BIL and DH both spoke, SIL read a poem. Eldest grand child spoke and another who is an actor spoke. Apart from that, people drank and ate, chatted and generally caught up. It was lovely. Some of the family had already been to one funeral that week as SILs mum died 3 days before MIL.

It’s really up to you what you do if you’re the one organising it. I think it’s right to have some sort of occasion to remember them as it feels part of the grieving process but it doesn’t have to be a full on funeral if that’s not what you want. And, as next of kin, you can decide who comes to such an event, whereas anyone can turn up to a funeral.

If this is not enough for some, or you don’t want them there, they can arrange their own memorial.

Is there anyone else who is close to your mum who might appreciate a service or some kind of memorial?

Not saying that should wholly influence your decision but it could be a factor.

Was she religious? If so you could have a direct cremation and her church or whatever could arrange a service there? I think you have every right to do what feels ok for you but you do need to consider her wishes and those of other close relatives.

You may regret not doing something but you can be creative about what that is.

A relative of mine had a direct cremation but her daughter then organised an afternoon party. It wasn’t sad, there were lovely stories, music, photos and chat. It was absolutely lovely and very informal.

Why should she suck it up? Who benefits from that?

When df died we had direct cremation. We scattered his ashes months later on his birthday, just me and my mum. It was fine, and I don’t regret not having a service at all

To add that we used a local independent funeral director, and so the cremation was local to us and we were told when it was though could not attend.

So, direct cremation and then scatter her ashes or inter them with your father.

Generally I believe you regret what you don’t do more. Should I just suck it up even though I don’t think my mental health it take it.

That didn't work with your dad's funeral though did it? You sucked that up and it was a traumatic experience. Why put yourself through another one?

Choosing a different type of funeral for your mother is a valid choice. Think about what will work best for you, and don't feel guilty about whatever choice you make.

I had a direct cremation for my mother, I don't have any regrets about it.

I'm glad your parent got their wishes but it doesn't always happen .
my friends mum had always said she didn't want a funeral and had arranged with a local ( and famous teaching hospital to donate herself ) and had filled in all the necessary paperwork for them .
Come the sad time , friend contacts them as per her mother's wishes to be told they have their quota and not taking any on at the moment , so it was a funeral for her .

My mum always used to say “you don’t have to go to anyone’s funeral but your own”

Just arrange a direct cremation (at which there are no guests). Funerals are for those mourning; it makes no difference to the dead.

It sounds like not having one will be the best option for you.

On an advisory and practical note, do not use one of those direct cremation companies that advertise on TV. Your local funeral director will arrange it for you. They don’t publicise that they can do it as it doesn’t make them much money.

My dads was traumatic for us 10 and 15 mum decided years ago she wouldn’t cause us that pain, so didn’t want a funeral.
me and my brother just went out to her favourite restaurant.

This 100%

I originally contacted one well advertised on TV company for my parent's direct cremation as she had seen them advertised and mentioned them several times but they were so unprofessional on the phone that after 15 mins I ended the call as I lost confidence in them very quickly. I then contacted the local Co-op funeral services branch who, despite making very little profit I'm sure, have been a pleasure to deal with, very kind and courteous and have kept me updated at every stage of the arrangements. Bonus points for the Co-op too as surprisingly, they weren't as expensive as the TV advertised company and I was expecting to pay more.

All independent funeral places have the option of a direct cremation. It's cheaper than pure cremation or other robbing bastards that advertise and a lot more professional.

You don't have to have a funeral OP.

I have been mulling over what happens with my own DPs, I am also an only DC.They are both very elderly, DM is bed bound and I think some form of dementia and DF is definitely losing his memory very pronouncedly now.

If one of them dies whilst they are both still just about living at home, all my immediate energy will need to be focused on supporting the other one and untangling any finances, as I am not sure if either of them can live independently. Trying to arrange a funeral on top of that seems like a monumental task. They are so elderly that most of the attendees would be my friends coming to give me support. But then at the minute I can’t see how I would want to arrange a memorial service months after the event - maybe better to suck it up at the time.

Sorry not much help, but I do feel your dilemma.

The funeral is for the living, it doesn't matter to the dead. If it won't bring you comfort, don't do it.

DGM didn't want a funeral service, she said she didn't want us all to be sad. She prepaid a direct cremation and we all got together and went to the pub, booked a buffet, and basically had a wake with no funeral. It was lovely.

You can do anything or nothing. Do what will bring you comfort, and your DC, don't worry about anyone else. If they want to do something different / have some sort of memorial, no one is stopping them.

That was an incredibly strange thing for the celebrant to say. They're usually "impartial" if that's the right word.

I'm not surprised that you felt traumatised after your father's funeral. What a very strange thing for the celebrant to say and do.

When my DM died last year I was certain she would not have a funeral. She hated them - so much so that she did not go to the funerals of her parents, her sister or my dad - all people that she was so close to. So we arranged with a local undertaker that she had met and thought very highly of, that she would have a direct cremation. She died in the July and after talking with close family and a couple of her closest friends I decided to hold a tea party with ever flowing tea and cake and I would ask a few people to speak about her.

It was a beautiful celebration of her life with stories from the time she first met my dad, her influence as a grandma on my kids, and people who had known and loved her in more recent years. It was perfect and she would have enjoyed every moment. The tables groaned with cakes and the tea (and coffee) never stopped flowing. We did have some religious elements (a couple of my kids chose Bible readings to talk about her) and we sang her favourite hymn and closed in prayer but it was all about celebrating her and giving thanks for her life which could be done just as easily without the religious bit.

Looking back nearly a year since the celebration I am so glad we did it that way. If I had been trying to coordinate times when all the family were free and able to travel whilst in the middle of coming to terms with losing her I would probably still be dithering.

I really was owed an apology then maybe I would not be still dwelling on it 18 years later.
My Dad was a very stubborn man. He prided himself on giving as good as he got
plus some more. I was treated like a child always. So much so I couldn’t wait for independence and bought my own flat on my own at 25 before I met my husband.

We didn’t know Dad had lung cancer until
it was too late. We also didn’t know cancer can make a person act really nastily. Maybe had I have known I might
have given him some grace but in all honesty probably not.
One afternoon my parents were at
my house. My Dad was talking to me. My 4year old virtually non verbal SEN child was patting his trouser leg trying to
to get his attention . Well he lost the plot. Went into a rage bearing down on her bellowing and wagging his finger at her. I picked her up and ordered him out my house. He said a lot of horrible things and said if I sent him out , he would
never speak to me again. I told him to go. They left, my mum was crying. It was horrible. And he kept his word, he cut off all contact with me. Ignored me at
Christmas. Slowly there was a thaw. They would visit but he refused to step foot in my house unless I specifically invited him in.Then came the cancer diagnosis. It was terminal but they kept that from me. I’m not stupid I knew he was dying but they wouldn’t talk about it . In the
end I had to say I want to be with him at the end. They never thought I would be strong enough to cope. The question I never asked was “are you proud of me?” I didn’t ask because I couldn’t be sure the answer would be what I wanted to hear. I didn’t hear my Dad’s last words to me. I asked him to repeat. He pulled a face like he was irritated and waved his hand as if it was too much effort.

So What could my mum have said? The last 18 months were difficult. I guess she had nothing positive to say so just
put the emphasis on his relationship with the grandchildren. I got forgotten from the eulogy and my reluctance at the grave side confirmed what the celebrant had wrongly deduced . He still shouldn’t have said it though. Not tactful at all.

Hope this helps, my dad died 2 years ago, I'm in my mid 50s, my kids are late teens.
Parenting my own teens made me realise just how mean my dad had been. I'd never say the things he did to me.i'm a better parent partly because he was so shit. It's an act of rebellion! If he'd died 20 years ago I probably have mulled it over like you without being confident.
My mum organised a direct cremation. This is positively fashionable in her peer group.
She then sorted a 'celebration of life'. She wrote the eulogy, got a bloke we'd never met or heard mentioned to read it. (Public speaking is a major part of mine and DHs life). There was very little about my dad's life before he met my mum, not even the oft repeated name drop anecdotes.
My kids, who my mum had requested waitress at this event, were not named but my two dogs were singled out. I was named once, rattled off in a survived by way, my 30 year long partner, not at all.
The whole thing was grieving widow focused
We then had a slightly random cousin, talk about being bought an ice cream as a kid and that was it.

I figure now my mum has already heard the eulogy and seen the crowd she wanted whilst still alive. I've agreed we'll follow her plans, actually it will be a direct crem, then a donation to the golf club, or similar, Christmas party to raise a toast to members lost that year.
Everyone else is free, and it's appropriate for them to remember her in her own way.

I think the conventions and expectations about funerals have changed dramatically since COVID. You do the best for you.