How can I help my parents, dad has terminal cancer

[Whatusernameshalliuse]

My dad has cancer which he's too weak to have treatment for; he's quite rapidly deteriorating. I live a few hours away and have young kids so can't regularly see them. My mum is struggling to cope. Brother who lives close to them is useless.
Anyway I'm going to go and visit for a couple of days later this week, and am trying to think of all the admin things I can help mum with while I'm there. I'd welcome any suggestions.
On my list is;
-Power of Attorney
-Check whose name is on all bills including insurance, potentially try and get them put in joint name/transferred to mum
-Get bank details (maybe set up online banking if they're open to it)
-At least make sure mum has access to enough funds if his account is frozen
-Check car admin (when is MOT/car insurance etc due)
Welcome any other suggestions/tips.
Struggling to sleep right now as it's all going round in my head.. Thanks in advance.

V5 on the car? Is it in your dad’s name? If so it may make insurance invalid on his death.

I don't think so but will check, thank you.

I want to check a few things re the car.. though to be honest mum doesn't drive it anyway so I don't think that point will be an issue in practice. But good to be aware of, thanks.

Glad you are going to get a will for your dad. Even if everything does pass to your mum, getting a grant of probate without a will is more time consuming because the first step is to prove that there was no will. Which involves taking certain steps like checking with solicitors and public trustees etc

Definitely get a will!

yes to credit card and car - I ended up reinsuring my dad’s (mum’s) car with my credit card the day before his funeral because her card had been frozen as she was a named holder on his account and the car insurance was no longer valid 🤦‍♀️

passwords to things like phones / iPads. Make sure they’re not set up with Face ID.

shift as many bills as you can into your mum’s name - we did this and it made life so much easier.

remember to do council tax after he’s died as she will get single person discount.

BUT

the single best thing we did when dad was terminally ill? My mum still went to her clubs. She still did WI and book club and her walking group. So when he died she hadn’t got out of the habit of going and she just carried on. Although it sounds brutal to say it, there was a point where she was the most important one, because she was the one left behind. And setting up the life to come was just as important.

it’s hard. You have my complete sympathy

OK, thanks good to know. Definitely a will then!

Thanks for this. Is it best to get bills transferred into her name solely now then, rather than joint names?
I totally get that, and agree; she is still (as far as I know) going to her clubs each week, though I know is starting to get more worried about leaving him.. I'm really glad she has those things especially for afterwards.

Ask his Nurse specialist / GP or Palliative Nurse specialist to issue an SR1 form. this would speed up Attendance Allowance and no need for long form filling.

Agree with PP, once you've got legal/financials sorted, try and make sure as best you can your mum has a good local support system. Has she told friends, family, neighbours what's going on, and if they offer to help, given practical suggestions?
Just getting out of the house for a walk, cup of tea, chat. What can be done to support her continuing to go to her clubs, does she need someone else to sit with him at those times?

Does she have numbers to call if he deteriorates/develops new symptoms out of hours, palliative care, nurses, GP.

Grimly has a doctor seen him recently, otherwise there may be complications in writing death certificate when the time comes.

Lastly, look after yourself, such a difficult horrible time

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad.

Is this sudden so they have had no time to start to do any of the admin?

I'd not assume your parents have done nothing unless you know that for definite.

There are things that you and your Mum can't to until (sorry!) you have a death certificate. Once you do, you can send it to the various places who need it, so that any money in his name is transferred to her.

I was involved in this when my Dad died a few years ago.

You should ideally appoint a solicitor who can advise you on what to do and who to contact, if neither you nor your Mum know.

Your Mum will have to do everything, in her name, as she's next of kin. You can advise her but she will have to do the phoning and writing- you can't do that for her if she has 'capacity'.

There isn't any real urgency to be honest. As long as she has access to money such as her own account or a joint account, you don't need to do anything at the moment.

TBH I'd spend your time with your Dad and supporting him, rather than spending too much time and energy on paperwork just now.

Are you sure there is no Will already?

And that your parents don't already know about the teacher's pension scheme?
Your Dad would have had to nominate someone to receive it on his death at the time he qualified for his pension.

(I was a teacher.)

We wrote a Will soon after we married partly as we had/ wanted to nominate guardians for our children.

If your mum doesn't have her own credit card she should apply for one now.
She won't get a massive amount of credit limit if she's not working but even a small amount on it (under £5K) helps.

You've had some good suggestions but in all honesty, you shouldn't panic.

There is no urgency over any of these things if you Mum has access to some money.

She can also get advice and support from the CAB and Age UK who are very helpful with form filling and admin.

Age UK (I think) will even send someone to her house to help her complete forms etc.

I work in probate law so reiterate what others have said, a Will is a must as it makes life easier re probate. Have you contacted MacMillan? They are very useful in these circumstances and can offer a lot of advice and support

Maybe contact mc millen or cancer charity as they will advise on financial and caring measures to be put in place when your dads health declines eg: toilet aids , hospital bed , carers if he remains at home .Also they will talk to your dad about his wishes and emotions .

I’m a palliative care nurse specialist.
if he has symptoms ask him to be referred to his local community team.
then either they or the GP can do the SR1 form and may be able to do the AA forms.
PoA is unlikely to be of much benefit to you to be honest so may not be worth wasting the money on it.

PoA is unlikely to be of much benefit to you to be honest so may not be worth wasting the money on it.

PoA is more important for you Mum when you may need to make decisions on her care and finances in the future.

With banks you can do quite a lot without power of attorney/probate.

At Barclays you can be added as a trusted person to the account and manage it (as long as you are also a customer). Assume other banks do similar.

Also for future reference if there is less than 50k in the account you don’t need probate, they will just give it to the executor. Similarly you can send any funeral bills to the bank and they will pay them directly from the account.

Hi,

Please make use of Macmillan Money Matters (number online) and if you have a Maggie's centre near you, this may be of help to you or your mum x

Also a palliative care specialist. For most of our patients PoA is a waste of time and energy - it takes too long to come back from the Office of the Public Guardian.

As long as there is a will and mum has a way of making sure the bills are paid eg joint account, that is generally enough.

It's rare for there to be care decisions that need a PoA for health and welfare in the way there are for dementia, the illness course is completely different.

Thank you for all your messages and advice. I really appreciate it. I suggested to mum I'd go up Weds-Fri this week. I basically got 'thanks but no thanks'. Too short notice I think, she's never been a fan of 'hosting' (despite me reassuring her she didn't need to worry about the state of the house etc). Still, I can suggest some things they should do and offer to help/call/fill in forms on their behalf as much as I can.

I'm a convert on the will front, will definitely advise them to do that/how etc.

OK, that's interesting on the PoA point. That makes sense in terms of health/welfare decisions.. They had a situation in the last week where his credit card limit had been reduced and they use it for nearly all payments (card in his name) and had to call the bank, go through a load of security questions with him which he found very difficult (he has oesophagael cancer so is losing his voice) to get the limit increased. I suspect they didn't think to do anything else while they were there like have her added to the account. So I think she was keen to get PoA to enable her to manage his accounts (though personally I think it would probably be easier just to get everything transferred into her name). They dont have a joint account and im not sure they'd be up for opening a new account. But I get the point about it taking a long time with the Office of the Public Guardian. I will check with his bank and see if she can be added as a trusted person to manage it (thanks for that suggestion @CraftyNavySeal , I'm not sure how much is in his account, it could be over £50k but that's useful to know.

He has an oncology appt later in the week so I'll suggest they ask for an SR1 form. I think it's a phone appt but they had seen him in person about a month or so ago I think, but found it exhausting just getting to the hospital (he's practically housebound now).

Thanks for the suggestions to get in touch with MacMillan. I've suggested MacMillan to mum a few times (as has my husband whose family found them very helpful when his mum had (and died of) cancer). I did contact them over the weekend, just to check whether he could/should be assigned a MacMillan nurse, to support my mum (generally) - he's got a palliative nurse who mum has found is helpful. I'm not sure to what extent he has spoken to her. He's not really a man that talks about his feelings. Very matter of fact. As well as struggling a lot with his voice now. I hadn't necessarily thought of asking MacMillan about finances etc, but will consider it.

Thanks again.

I just want to reiterate that there is very little you need to do because most financial stuff needs a death certificate.

POA can take it to 12 weeks to come through. It won't be of much use now for what needs doing.

If he needs to make phone calls, your mum can be listed as his carer and once he gives permission, she can do the calls for him or he can pass her over once he's made the call.

We do this for one of my elderly parents who isn't unwell but has poor hearing.

The other thing is if he has savings in his name only. get those transferred to your mum in her account or get the account changed to both names. That's fairly straightforward.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

There’s lots of practical advice on here that I won’t repeat. But I would echo PP to make sure that the referrals to local palliative care services are made now, so that the links are already made for when they are really needed.

This is less about supporting your parents, but from my experience when my mum was dying is make sure your DH is ready to step up at a moment’s notice to help as you may get the call that you need to go now (I mean really now) to see your Dad. (For the avoidance of doubt, my DH was but it was very sudden.)

And remember to look after yourself too.

The terminology about nurses is very confusing.

He should have a cancer specialist nurse - although if he isn't going to have treatment he may have minimal contact from them.

He should also have a palliative care nurse - and it sounds like he does.

Either of these can be called 'Macmillan' but they do entirely different jobs. Historically a lot of community palliative care nurses were badged as Macmillan but this is a lot less common now as Macmillan have moved out of the field. It's more helpful to think about the roles than the Macmillan name, it does sound like your DF has been connected to the right services.

As a palliative care specialist there is nothing more grating than a family telling you your service has been great so they are making a big donation to Macmillan - when your service has absolutely nothing to do with Macmillan and desperately needs the charitable donations.

If you do transfer as much as possible into your Mum's sole name now, it will make things simpler when your Dad has passed away. Fewer things to do when she is grieving.

Less vital, but worthwhile still - get an idea of what sort of funeral arrangements they would like. You could then email/ring round a few undertakers, get an idea of what the costs and options are and which undertakers you get on with. Scout out vicars or celebrants, burial places if not opting for cremation.

It's very sad seeing your Dad so unwell, but you're still probably more clear-headed now (your Mum too) than you'll be once he's died.

Gets my goat how Macmillan love to let people think they are funding all these cancer Nurse posts when it's usually the NHS that fund them longer term and they just carry the Macmillan name because they initially funded the post for the first 12 months or whatever. very underhand. Apologies for going off topic op !

Good point, thanks. Thankfully not a worry as mine is very supportive and very prepared for that when it comes, and has been through the same himself. Both our workplaces are very flexible/supportive in that respect too.