Am I doing enough?

[chocolateluvva]

Abit of a back story:

my parent had a bleed on the brain 6 weeks ago, which the hospital did surgery on and since my parent hasn’t come around. They have been on a ventilator until 12 days ago. Palliative care then said the critical time frame was 72hrs as they are really struggling and they could pass away. However we are now on day 12 and they are still breathing well. Feed was stopped on Tuesday and although become very weak they are going strong, urinating well too.

Im not wondering if I should be fighting more to keep them going, could they come around. All these things are now going through my mind as I may just be trusting the doctors etc but actually a miracle could take place and they come around after a certain amount of time and I essentially would have given up which breaks my heart.

I'm so sorry.
I would want to talk to their team and know if they were in pain?
Do they currently have any awareness of their surroundings?
And should they regain consciousness, would it be likely that they'd have a quality of life that they would be happy with?

They might not be able to give you answers, just likelihoods. But that would be what framed my thinking.

I would also think about how my parent might reacted if they were facing what you are facing now, because that will help you think about their own thoughts and values and what they would want for themself.

In a similar situation in my family, the drs and us spent a lot of time talking about the things that they could measure and control. Oxygen levels improving for example. The reality was no one had any control. It's an awful wait. It's not wrong to trust the doctors. But why not ask to speak to your parent's consultant, to say exactly what you've written here and to ask as many questions as you need to so you feel confident you understand and agree with the care plan.

My non-medically trained mind thinks that after 6 weeks of being unconscious the doctors must be thinking they won’t wake up. They should have explained everything in detail though, not just taken it upon themselves to start an end of life pathway.

I would be wondering about quality of life should your miracle occur. After 6 weeks of lying in a bed there would be significant muscle wastage and physical difficulties to add to any damage from the initial bleed. If they were to wake up they would most likely be bed bound, might not be able to communicate or feed themselves. Is that a life you would want for them? I’m sorry you’re going through this, I hope you find some peace.

It's so hard to say without knowing more about your parent such as age and other medical conditions (and I am not asking you to share, just saying there are so many other factors). I would definitely ask the doctors what you might expect as mentioned above, and ask how they propose to manage the condition etc. Also worth knowing if they have a do not resus in place - do you know? Really sorry you are going through this, it's so hard not knowing what to do, really feel for you.

Sorry to be brutal, but based on MIL after a catastrophic stroke waking up isn't likely to be a good outcome. She was left completely non-verbal, paralysed, incontinent and suffering from seizures. She spent nearly 9 years in that hell before she died of heart failure.

I am very sorry .
If this were my parent i would want them to slip away peacefully and free of pain, the potential disabilities and a hellish existence should they survive is too terrible to contemplate for me.
For your peace of mind ask for a meeting with the team taking care of them i'm sure they would want you to be clear about everything that is happening.

Thank you for your replies. They sadly passed away on Saturday 😓

Sorry for your loss

Very sorry for your loss x