Care / help from a distance

[rickyrickygrimes]

So my parents are getting older, and while they don’t yet need specific help, it’s on the horizon. I live outside the UK, 2.5 hr flight 3 times a week, then 2 hours drive to get to them. My sister used to live about 40 minutes from them, but has moved recently and is now 2.5 hrs away. I have a FT job, two teens and a depressed husband who also has ageing family back in the UK. Sister just quit her job, is looking for something part time and no kids. Her partner has just retired, wealthy and in good health, no family to speak of.

The upshot for us both is that we don’t see them very often, and we can’t get to them very quickly if we needed to. We are close as a family, but they always encouraged us to spread our wings. Well, we have, and this is the result.

Anyone on here caring from a distance? How do you manage it? DSIL lived 10 mins from PIL and spent her life popping in to do a multitude of things - housework, delivering a paper, picking up medicine, driving to appointments, checking the mail etc. And it was still difficult and lots of things got missed and it was a nightmare tbh.

The truth is, you can’t do very much of any practical help.

This is what we save for, to leave our DC free of the burden. There’s very little help that can’t be bought. Cleaners, gardeners, carers, online food shopping, pharmacy delivery, newspaper delivery, local handymen, taxis, hospital transport etc. Leaving you the bare minimum or emergency help. I don’t want my busy adult DC in the prime of their life with jobs and families of their own tied to stripping my bed.
What have they set up/how do they plan to cope as they age?

In the same boat right now. I'm one of two daughters, both working full time in demanding jobs, neither living close enough for practical help. To be honest, I have no idea of the answer, and it keeps me awake at night. It's true that lots of support can be bought in - but only if parents agree to buy it (or be bought it). Mine don't. I've tried until I'm blue in the face to suggest they get some help in, including offering to help organise it, or ways/aids to make their life easier and safer, and they flatly refuse. They're entering a period of real decline (already right there, in my mum's case), and teetering on the edge of a crisis, but I feel helpless to avoid it. I've read on MN that in some ways this is the hardest stage, in practical terms, when parents are not really coping very well but still have the independence and capacity to make bad decisions and refuse help.

We all know the theory, my mum and I have talked about this often and they do have resources.

What I’ve observed in reality is that people generally become more and more reluctant to involve ‘strangers’ in their lives as they get older (my dads was already pretty antisocial, now he’s at the stage where he pretty much only talks to family, friends of my mums who pop in, tradesmen and her).

And that they overestimate their ability to carry on ‘as normal’ s as they age, putting themselves at increased risk of falls or injury. My parents live very rurally in a house they built themselves, big garden / stone steps / multiple levels / lots of maintenance.

And I can see in my mum, who’s always been a very dynamic, organised, sociable person, that she’s getting really tired. While they have the money, the idea of finding, vetting, negotiating with, agreeing a contract with and then monitoring a cleaner / gardener / taxi company etc is a big challenge. And she basically doesn’t want to.

so I’m interested to hear from people (children) who are already dealing with this, what had worked and what hasn’t.

I hear you. We aren’t teeetering on the edge quite yet,but I can see it getting closer. It would just take one fall for everything to change. Or for one of them to become unable to drive 😱 they are completely car dependent.

my MIL used to say ‘we’re no’ there yet’ a lot at this stage. When everyone around her could see that she was.

I'm now an only surviving child living the other end of the country from my elderly mother, who now lives alone in the family home and is visually impaired, very hard of hearing and pretty immobile.

As others have said, there is a limit to what you can do from a distance. I have POA and handle all her finances via online banking. Following a fall where she broke her hip and social services involvement she now has (self funded) carers coming in twice a day to get her up & dressed and to give her her medication (which I order for her and then gets delivered via the surgery pharmacy). She has a weekly cleaner and has a pendant alarm but ideally you need someone living locally to be the contact for this - luckily she has helpful neighbours and there are other more distant relatives a short drive away who will help out. She has a 'meals on wheels' service provide her with a hot meal each day as her eyesight is too bad to really manage any cooking other than toast and heating soup etc up in the microwave.

I'd be much happier if she was in a home (and suspect that she would be too if she'd consider it) but at present she wants to stay where she is and I'm just resigned to getting a call at some point to say she's had another fall (we've already had a couple of false alarms where she;s dropped the alarm and then not responded to the call centre).

One frustrating thing is that there are things my parents could have done in the previous decade to make the house more elderly friendly, such as putting in a downstairs toilet, having a wet room or walk in shower instead of a bath, landscaping the garden to have slopes instead of steps, but they never did - it;s certainly opened my eyes to what I need in place as I get more elderly and infirm.

I'm not sure of the answer but I feel your pain. My parents are a few hours away and refused to move nearer to me when they had the chance - I cant move due to work and my own family. Now DM isnt allowed to drive and SD wont be for much longer. I've no idea what they think is going to happen - they speak vaguely about taxis but I know for a fact that in the case of eg hospital appointments they often wont let you leave in a taxi. To be honest I find it all quite selfish.

You need to get POA for your parents. Then you can do the necessary organising of help on their behalf if they are reluctant, or find it too overwhelming.

I lived a few hours away from my mother so I did no hands-on care, but using my POA I organised help from a distance. I got 'companion care' for her from Home Instead, and the carer did anything she needed - taking her shopping, making her meals, doing her laundry and housework, taking her to appointments. The carers would send her post to me to deal with.

Your parents aren't at that stage yet, but as you've said, you need to prepare for when they are.

We organised regular help for my widowed mum in the form of a weekly cleaner, a weekly gardener, farm food deliveries, home hairdresser and chiropodist once a month.

A weekly taxi ride to a pensioners' lunch and another to go shopping. Plus regular phone calls.

Generally, as long as she had a reason to get up, dressed & tidy, she was happy & cheerful. All the people who visited had our phone numbers, so they could call if they thought something was not right.

We have POA sorted already.

my mums actually quite open to a lot of ideas - but they all just stay at the ‘idea’ stage. And since they 100% have capacity we cannot do anything other than suggest, propose, facilitate when allowed to. They look around and see their familiar, comfy, much loved home. My sis and I see a series of trip hazards and ‘big jobs’ that exhaust them, parts of the house that are falling into disrepair etc.

i just feel now that I wish I’d stayed closer to home. All the reasons for moving away seem to be less important now than being physically close to them. My mum was always a bit snooty about children choosing to live ‘down the road’ from their parents, like they hadn’t succeeded in moving up and away. Well those homebodies are a lot more able to help out their parents now, that’s for sure

i just feel now that I wish I’d stayed closer to home. All the reasons for moving away seem to be less important now than being physically close to them. My mum was always a bit snooty about children choosing to live ‘down the road’ from their parents, like they hadn’t succeeded in moving up and away. Well those homebodies are a lot more able to help out their parents now, that’s for sure

I really don't think you should think like that. You don't mention your age or the age of your parent, but for most of us the time that your parents need day-to-day care is a relatively short span compared to the rest of your lives and you can't live your whole life based on the assumption that at some point in the future it might be easier if you lived somewhere else.

I left home to go to university at the age of 18, and moved elsewhere in the country because that's where I could get a job. I've lived away from my parents for nearly fifty years now and it's only in the last eighteen months, following my fathers death, that my mother has needed my support. She's in her 90's and I suspect that her various health issues mean that she's probably not going to last more than a year or two. I have health issues of my own being treated which mean that realistically I can't really move away from the area in which I now live.

That may sound hard but it is what it is. If I could have one wish it would be for a teleport machine.......

My SIL stayed closer to home. She ended up on antidepressants. As did my mum with my GP.
Negotiate and set up the half dozen ‘contracts’ yourself. It’s not too taxing and will pay dividends in the long run.
Otherwise your parents are allowed to make poor choices and will live with the consequences. For those I know who took on too much, the crises that inevitably arose down the line were an absolute saviour.

But presumably living somewhere else has meant you’ve been able to do other things with your life? I know if I hadn’t moved away I’d be stuck in a low paid job, with fewer qualifications, wouldn’t have met my DH and had my children!

Also, if your parents wanted your support, they could have moved closer to you. Mine actively chose not to do this - she has downsized and moved away from our original area, but not to anywhere near her own children!

And my perception of living nearby is that you end up running yourself ragged and whatever you do isn’t enough, because looking after even one elderly person is more work than one person can do. Even if you lived next door you might well not be available to help - full time job, suddenly unable to drive for six months, broken leg, flu/Covid, your in-laws also needing support, adult children having a baby.

I have moved closer. I’m now 2-3 hours away instead of 5-6 hours but they’ve still had to sort some things out for themselves.

Would your mum be open to getting help
(cleaner, gardener, taxis etc) now so they’re already used to it cough when they need it?

ps whatever you do it’s never enough. We live next door and since MIL died this summer we’ve had non-stop sledgehammer hints that FIL doesn’t get enough of our time and either he should move in with us or DH should move in with him. Neither are happening.

My fIL is on his own now and 86 but still independent, drives, does DIY etc - he moved last year from a biggish house 5 hours drive away to 25 minutes away from us and a 3 bed bungalow. he found the selling and buying process a bit traumatic ( I found his bungalow for him) but now he’s settled more he seems in much better spirits as now has 2 good general shops on doorstep plus medical centre , urgent care centre and cottage hospital 3 minutes walk away and town 10 minutes walk away ( nice funky town too) - he likes the fact there’s a lot going on and it has a good vibe, even if he doesn’t want to join in. He has bus virtually outside door and train 10 minutes walk away. He also admits the medical care too is so much better - before the move he too was very dependant on driving a lot whereas where he used to now it wouldn’t be a big deal if he couldn’t drive. Initially he was reluctant as he liked his neighbours and the familiar but I think he would admit that he feels safer where he is - the tradesmen he’s needed have apparently been way better and cheaper too. I think it’s only come about though as he’s on his own - his partner wouldn’t have wanted to move -

i just feel now that I wish I’d stayed closer to home. All the reasons for moving away seem to be less important now than being physically close to them

I understand that feeling, we settled away from my PIL 25 years ago, direct sub 2 hour flights, a ferry and freedom of movement. None of that exists any more, they're both unwell and even getting across to see them is a logistical nightmare, nevermind doing it last minute due to a hospital admission or similar.

Pre Brexit we would have gone for an extended stay, as we can both work remotely but that's not possible now.