Mum appears to have given up on life

[Anonladyx]

Long post ahead — looking for some advice.
My mom is 66, and over the past year she’s completely changed. It started back in February when she began feeling “ill.” Since then, she’s had countless tests and scans, but everything has come back clear. Still, she complains every day — chest pain, headaches, or some other ache.
We had a holiday to Turkey planned in May, but she pulled out because she wasn’t feeling well. I ended up going alone. I’m 25, and the last of my siblings still living at home — everyone else has their own families and houses. That means I’m the one who ends up dealing with this day to day.
She often says she’s lonely or bored and has no one to go out with, my sister takes her shopping every week and she sometimes goes by herself too. I work in the NHS, in a really stressful job with shifts, so on my days off I just want to rest and recharge. I feel guilty for not taking her out more, but honestly, I don’t have the energy right now.
The contrast with my dad is huge — he’s the same age but still so active, cycling with his brothers several times a week and hardly ever unwell. My mom, meanwhile, seems to have completely given up on life. She often says how boring everything is, rarely showers, doesn’t buy herself new clothes, doesn’t get her hair done — it’s like she’s lost all motivation.
I’m in tears writing this because I don’t know what to do and it’s taking a big toll on my mental health seeing her like this. Part of me wants to move out for my own sanity, but I worry that would make things worse for her. I love my mom deeply — she’s always been amazing to me — but I feel stuck.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice would mean a lot. Thank you.

You might want to give more consideration to moving out. You are not responsible for your mother and her happiness or lack of.

Sounds like she might be depressed. She needs a purpose. Will she be willing to volunteer in a charity shop for example,, etc? Also, I’m giving my mom who is 80yo - Omega 3 and Vit D high doses. It helps with the mood.

My first thought was I’m not surprised if she’s fed up and lonely if your dad is doing his hobby/ biking several times a week.
However, happiness is an inside job.
This means your mums happiness is her own responsibility.
Your best gift to anyone is your own happiness.
I can be a bit like your mum but would never dream of dumping that on my loved ones.
Remember, bored people , are boring people.
it is up to me to improve my life , and do things I enjoy, even if it takes effort.

Is she on HRT? Has she been on it and come off it? Would she try it if she never has?

Has her GP suggested looking at her mental health? She does sound depressed. Has she tried antidepressants? Has she tried talking therapy? Is there money for her to have private therapy if NHS waiting lists are long?
Did anything happen at the start of the year, any major life events for the people she loves? Anything stressful?

Has everything possible been ruled out in terms of a physical illness eg lime disease, dodgy thyroid, anemia, CFS

At 66 she’s not elderly by a long shot! Working in the NHS you much see many ‘elderly’ people. She may be acting elderly - having to be taken to the shops with someone etc but it is not reality. She need to see her GP and be honest about the situation and she would benefit ( if she hasn’t got a job) from social groups outside of the home ( something like university of the 3 rd Age (U3A) would be good. You say you dad is completely different I am presuming they are no longer together is she still grieving the loss of her relationship and what she expected her approaching retirement years to look like….if so she needs counselling before she wastes more of her life.

last step if may be of benefit for you to move out, you are likely to become the de facto carer as you are on hand and also encourage her to become more and more dependent as you are there, so she doesn’t have to push out of her comfort zone.

good luck!

That’s really young to be like that and you shouldn’t feel responsible for her.
One of two things are happening here - either she has a physical problem that hasn’t been diagnosed yet, or she is suffering from depression. It sounds like the doctors are treating her seriously, therefore I would suggest you encourage her to go back and talk about her mental state.

It does sound like she’s depressed to me. Has she spoken to anyone about her mental health? Would she?

Please don’t feel guilty though. if you agree not to feel guilty I’ll forgive you for putting a thread about a 66 year old in the “elderly parents” topic!

@Anonladyx are your mum and dad still together? If so how has your dad not noticed the change?

Your mum is not elderly but she does sound depressed. Not self caring is a sign of depression.

I’m nearly 60 . My own mother only became frail in the last 2 years, she’s 88. You could have 20 years before caring for a parent becomes a real thing. Don’t saddle yourself with that burden now. Move out, live your own life.

Wooops I’m sorry🤦🏻‍♀️😭

She has a husband, very active on top. He should be ashamed of you making this thread. He should be making it , taking his wife out, catering to her desires/needs/wants and providing as much entertainment needed as she has to snap out of this or if not, give a sofa, a magazine and make her a coffee and that is that.

I agree.

The OP didn't say her parents were still together - it sounded to me like they weren't, so as the last child left at home, it is all falling to her.

I agree her DM sounds depressed, but maybe if the OP leaves home it will prompt her mum to do something about it.

There is an extremely common relationship dynamic, especially in families, where some people underfunction and others overfunction.

Basically the underfunctioners train the overfunctioner over time to meet their every need using whatever psychological tactics at their disposal usually using guilt and the overfunctioner’s empathy as key parts to this.

The key to handling this type of dynamic which you are clearly in is to keep putting it back onto the underfunctioner “what are you going to do about that?”

They complain about an issue over and again just keep repeatedly ask them what are they going to do about it.