Really struggling

[Stayingafloatagainsttheodds]

First post, but I'm an avid reader. So, my life is difficult and hasn't been the kindest to me. I lost my baby boy years ago, and have never fully recovered, but work really hard on myself for my other kids basically. I have another 4 children, 1 of whom has special needs. Perimenopause hit me hard, and my past traumas have resurfaced. And my life is extremely stressful. I work almost full time. After my loss, it became very clear to me that I don't haveva healthy relationships with my dad. I'm constantly walking on eggshells, watching him and trying not to upset him. As a child he would ignore me for days. I visit at least once a week, and my mum keeps telling me that he keeps comparing what I do for them, to what he did for his mum (every day visits). I try and brush this off, though it does upset me.

Things have come to a bit of a head, as my adult daughter paid for me and my husband a night away last weekend. One night, whilst my special needs child was at a sleepover. I felt so happy, and rested. We never get away. I rang my mum the day after (I ring every day) and she told me he was in a really bad mood, because apparently we ignored him the last time we visited (of course we didn't, his grandkids where there, and the room was full of laughter). She told me whilst I was on the phone to her that he asked her who it was (he absolutely knew it would be me, im the only one who phones) and then started shaking his head. He is jealous that we didn't ask him to go away. I can't get past that he was so unhappy that I got a night away. I've never discussed how I feel with him, because there's no point. Mind games would be played. Things like him saying he is ill ( this was constant in my childhood, that i made him ill). He is so self centred. I know what he is like, but i can't seem to get through this latest. I wish my mum wouldn't have told me and I feel physically ill. I want to protect my mum from hurt, so whilst I haven't said 'don't tell me any more, I have said this latest performance from him has really affected me. I honestly don't know how much more he thinks I can give. I've worked so hard to get well mentally and physically, against the odds, with my trauma and current stresses looking after a child with high needs. I never asked for help, and got very little. He even sulked the day i had my child, because they had had my older children through the day while I gave birth. I have so many examples of when he acted ao selfishly, yet I shouldered the blame. Im just really struggling tonight.

Your dad is acting in an immature and abusive manner. You’ve done so well and the next step is boundaries. We are all conditioned to make our parents love and care for us but, sadly, some won’t. Your parents won’t change and now it’s time to remind yourself that you are not the little, frightened girl needing to appease her father but a grown adult who should be treated with respect. Tell your mum that you don’t want to hear about your dad’s “disappointment” in you, it’s hurtful and you will not continue to be treated like this by another adult who should manage his own reactions. Do you want to phone your mum everyday? If not put a boundary in and phone once a week or when it’s better for you. Work out what contact YOU want with your parents and on what terms.

Oh dear am so sorry for the loss of your baby i wonder if you have ever realy been allowed to grieve properly.

your relationship with your father sounds very unhealthy, it strikes me that you are trapped in a daddy’s little girl situation.

your relationship with are not a little girl, you do not need to have his approval and he has no right to demand that you seek it

i think you need counsellingTBH

you have zero obligations to your parents.

Thank you both for the replies. I don't know how to reference you individually, but it's very kind of you to reply. I feel so weak, in that Im an adult, but still revert to a scared child. I've made sure to the best of my ability that I've never made my kids feel like this. I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes, but I constantly look in at myself. My dad doesn't seem to have this ability. He is extremely self obsessed. He even says that he visited the child I lost ever day in hospital, like I owe him the same. My child was under 1, and sedated. I also visited every day. It hurts that he uses this example to make me feel bad.

Oh gosh OP you have it right, your fathers behaviour is transactional, “if i do this or that you owe me xyz”

it is rubbish, your child is his grandchild, if he visited every day it was for him and your child.

you owe him nothing.

but he has you emotionally as a hostage without a cage. You can escape, you just have to do it, whatever that looks like.

We don’t always gel with our parents so I’d stop trying and back away from him. You do not have a living relationship and you are letting his behaviour fester inside you to an extent that’s unhealthy. Parents, like other folk, can be self centred and needy. They aren’t all helpful and kind. He probably cannot cope with your family situation so makes it all about him. If you don’t want to hear it, back away. I suspect he won’t change.

Your dad is abusive but your mum enables him. Tell your mum to stop passing on the mean and cruel things that he has said about you and, if she won't, reduce the daily phone calls to once a week.

You owe your dad nothing. He was a dreadful father when you were a child and is a dreadful father now.

Tell your mum that if your dad doesn't stop saying hurtful things when you visit once a week, these visits will stop. You can arrange to see your mum outside the house on her own if you still want to see her.

This.

Don't feel guilty because of your poor little mum - she is choosing to pass all your father's nonsense on to her child when you speak on the phone and essentially be his mouthpiece, instead of talking to you directly on her own behalf without centering her husband.

A bit of distance would be healthy. Call much less often and remind them the phone line works both ways. If they can use WhatsApp check in that way in between instead.

Your dads jealous because you didnt invite him for a romantic night away with you & your husband? What?
i would tell him that why would he want to be a 3rd wheel on a romantic night away with your husband, thats bizarre. Dont be scared of him, your an adult with your own free will.
whats he going to do if you stand up to him? Go no contact? That would probably be the best thing ever for you. Its your mums choice to stay with him, not yours your not responsible for her happiness.
I would call a lot less, cut it down. if she asks tell her your sick of your dad making everything about himself.

Your dad is abusive. Your mum is enmeshed in this pattern of behaviour.

You have only one option here. Drop the rope. Walk away. Break the pattern.

Stopping contact takes guts. It's really hard to do, but it's the only way you can start to heal. Find a therapist who understands the dynamics of trauma bonding. It takes a long time to unravel these deeply complicated feelings.

Remember that you have full agency over your own life. You do not owe your parents anything. They are not your responsibility. All that crap about "duty" is just bullshit. It's controlling and deeply damaging.

I went NC with my entire family of origin 8 years ago and it is the best decision I ever made. My life is so much better without them. Yes, it was really hard. I got caught up in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and it broke my heart but I am totally over it now and have absolutely no regrets.

Toxic family isn't worth having. Do look up Dr Ramani on YouTube. She's very good. Also look into FOG and trauma bonding. Start reading up and educating yourself in preparation for your healing journey.

Sending solidarity.

Sounds like he enjoys upsetting you.
He won't change now, and your mum is enabling his awful behaviour. The only thing to do is have some distance to protect yourself and your mental health. Dont phone so often, don't visit often. If they complain tell them why. Plainly.

Thanks again everyone. Just dropped my child off at school, and am trying to gather myself in the supermarket car park. Having a cry. Sometimes I feel like im having a breakdown, I don't have much resilience left. I wonder if I haven't grown into a very stable adult, as when I watch my children they're so much stronger, and have such self worth. I have so little. They have a voice, which i never had. I tell them so often how proud I am of them, and guide them. He's never said well done. Not even visiting me after birth. I do get cards with nice verses, which then make me question myself. And my mum tells me he loves it when I visit. Im so confused. Turns out that he was angry because I forgot to check his blood pressure machine on my last visit. I literally remembered when leaving, and said to my mum, oh shit I forgot about the machine. At this point my SN child was at the car, and obviously my priority was them. I gave him a hug, and he coldly responded, then obviously shit talked me for 3 days. My mum knows what he is like, but never corrects his behaviour. She just talks about him behind his back. It's all very unhealthy.

He is absolutely obsessed with his ill health. He revels in talking about his illnesses. I was really trying to avoid a messy grief, so tried to push all these feeling down. But I can't seem to anymore. He'll think this is absolutely terrible of me, after everything he's done for me (on his mind, some I suppose is true, but he's definitely done much more damage than good).

My husband phoned my adult daughter for a chat yesterday, and she said she busy, and could they talk later. Non of them batted an eyelid, whilst I felt really uneasy as I knew if I said that to my dad he'd be pissed off, and wouldn't phone me back. My dad had an abusive childhood, but so did my husband, and me it seems, but the cycle stopped with us.

Thanks for listening and advising everyone. I have had quite a bit of therapy. Mostly around complicated and traumatic loss. My baby had many health problems. My dad always comes up in my therapy, that's when I first realised we had problems.

Just going to go for a walk, before I go into work. I've often felt very guilty talking about my dad. It feels very disloyal. But im having to now, to get by.

I think you just need to ignore all the comments. Either take a big step back and reduce contact or if you can’t do that, just carry on as if the words haven’t been said.

I’m sure he’ll get bored if his hurtful words have no effect. It is a bit strange that he was upset you went away with your DH, I mean what would he expect you to do - invite him? So weird.

I would also tell your DM to stop passing hurtful messages. I wonder why she does this?

You have done nothing wrong and nothing to feel guilt for. Your family takes priority over him, especially as he’s so horrible.

I feel for you. But remember, your relationship is now adult:adult.
You don’t have to take this shit.

Take a step back and put yourself first, and your own little family.

For perspective - I had therapy
for problems with DF, and he’s
a loving father, but an interfeering one!

Thanks again. Feeling stronger today. It's such a head f@## as I know he loves us all, but it's not a healthy relationship. Im actually managing to take some positives from this latest outburst, as it's made me look deep into things, and it explains why I became the person I am today (lacking in confidence, high on self doubt, etc etc) Im being kind to the little girl who tried to fix him, at my own expense, and most of all I feel proud of breaking the cycle. I've talked to all of my kids about it, I always hid it before as it felt disloyal to him, and it's opened up some very healthy discussions. Thank you all for supporting me, I was hanging on by saying thread this last couple of days xx

Why are you taking his blood pressure? Surely your mum could help him do that? You dont deserve shit for that!

@Stayingafloatagainsttheodds. when DM was in her 80s and 90s she was sick of hearing about her friends illnesses. She told me it was non stop and they talked about nothing else. It’s what some people do. You have to be businesslike and ignore it to a large extent.

My DF died before I got married. I doubt very much he’d have taken much interest in my marriage or my DC. I think you are expecting DF to conform to your expectations, and he doesn’t. So take the good bits and don’t think about the rest. Men aren’t bothered about babies. Men don’t show care and compassion. Men are selfish. Some of course aren’t but what’s the point in beating yourself up over what you don’t have? Get you life sorted out and put his on the back burner. I do know what it feels like to have a DF on another wavelength but they won’t change. So you have tk do your own thing.