Care for immobile mother

[Hollydays]

My mum lives in her house with my brother, my father died recently. I live about 15 min drive away. Before dad died I arranged for carers to visit for an hour daily as I was worried about what support they receive and this is ongoing and works well. My brother will help with practical stuff but considers any further level of care as women's stuff in relation to my mum. She's not been well recently - I visit a few times a week but asked if we should increase the carer hours - my brother feels that is not necessary and that I should be visiting every day. I said I don't want to provide personal care - my mum can afford it and as I work full time and have kids I have other responsibilities and want to maintain my relationship as her daughter not her carer. He said that's up to me and my conscience so I feel quite judged but he is not providing the level of care I feel she needs, but is expecting me to provide it. Also he lives there rent free so I feel as he is facilitating this arrangement he should take more responsibility for her care and support. Any advice? Referrals have been made to social services but she is above any financial threshold.

Sorry I should have said Mum really wants to stay at home, I haven't raised any of this with her so as not to upset her unnecessarily.

Gosh, he's a judgy bugger isn't he! Increase the carers . You've got the right attitude in wanting to act as her daughter not her carer. Can't believe your brother really!

Who has POA? Or is your mother able to be part of this discussion?

When are the carers visiting and what are they doing while there ?
Is it to get her up, washed and dressed in the morning ?
What other personal care do you feel she needs ?
How immobile is she ? Is she bed-bound?

I can understand that both you and your brother (and very possibly your mother as well) may feel uncomfortable with either of you giving her intimate personal care.

You already have caring responsibilities as you have a family of your own. He’s probably worried that outside help brings in outside eyes….that then make a referral for residential care. If that happens, the house he lives in will be sold to pay for your mum’s care.

This is why he’s saying you should provide the care. It would preserve his status quo.

Just keep saying you won’t be providing intimate care. Your bother is a twat my husband changed his mother plenty over the years before she died but equally I support families having boundaries and limits around what is expected with elder care. Our sister in law who lived abroad was similar to your brother, she had great ideas about how other people should care for her mother and then preached at them and bad mouthed them to extended family for not meeting her nonsense expectations. We have very a very limited relationship with her now.

Start with what your mum wants, though I get 100% that she may only say what she thinks your B wants to hear. Do you think she has the ability to make those sorts of choices?

From what you say, I would push back quite hard at your B. She is vulnerable if she needs help with personal care, and it would be neglect if you collectively don’t support her to get that care. Does he want social services investigating you both for neglect? If not then he can let you get on with increasing care visits.

That’s a completely separate issue from you doing it, which many of us frankly would rather avoid family members doing - the thought of ds having to do my personal care in the future was one of the things that got me to write my Advanced Refusal of Treatment/letter of wishes. Just tell him in no uncertain terms that that’s not happening.

"Woman's stuff". Well, he's a delight isn't he. I would be reminding him he lives their rent free, you have other stuff to do and carers cost money