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Elderly parents

To have feel like I have tolerated my dad long enough

2 replies

cheesecar · 26/09/2025 11:51

I do love my dad and I have lovely memories growing up but my dad has changed and I don’t recognise him anymore.
He retired in his early 50s on medical grounds which affected him negatively as his work was his life and that led him into drinking alcohol heavily every night for 20+ years until he was warned by his doctor his liver was in the early stages of cirrhosis so he gave up alcohol and seemingly gave up on life too.
He never goes out, never speaks to anybody and when we visit him and mum he never comes out of his bedroom because he doesn’t like people.

He doesn’t answer calls anymore and rarely calls, he’s just happy that way.
I think he’d quite happily never see another person again, as long as his meals were brought in to him and his demands met.
He treats my mum like a servant, expecting her to be at his beck and call while he stays in his chair in front the telly from morning to night.
He doesn’t even take an interest in his grandchildren and won’t make the effort to say hello when they visit.

I am angry for my mum living as his servant and being spoken to like dirt, nothing she does is good enough and he’s so irritable and short with her, he is constantly moaning and lives in a permanent negative mindset, yet she is devoted to caring for him because he’s her age old. They are both in their early 80s.

I just don’t think there’s anything to like about him anymore. I don’t want to abandon him in old age because that just puts more onto mum but I really resent him at the same time as feel love for the dad I used to know and miss.

OP posts:
DiplomacyForPeace · 26/09/2025 14:50

Your poor mum but she also needs to use some guts here and start telling the old buggar to buggar off and zip his mouth otherwise no nice meals but crappy food

PermanentTemporary · 26/09/2025 14:54

The hard bit will be if she dies before him - which is quite common imo, caring is hard.

I’m guessing she probably feels she lucked out as at least he’s not drinking - being married to a heavy drinker for decades must have been grim.

Maybe just focus on her - take her out for tea and visits. Offer to take them both but it sounds like he’ll refuse.

Other people’s relationships are always a mystery, but they may be getting something from it that we can’t see.

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