Nastiness from DM

[Hippymum89]

So, my 85 year old DM called me a “mean bitch” today.
She can be so bloody horrible, but honestly thinks she’s mother bloody Theresa.

Theres a LOT of back story obviously but it’s great to see I’m not alone (just found the elderly parents board)
with a difficult elderly parent.

That's horrible. Fortunately my DM never used words like that although before I accepted that there was dementia at work she could be very unreasonable. Do you have to do a lot to support her? I'm guessing if you do it's not enough in her eyes.

I’m an only child unfortunately but my eldest DC is 20 so we can moan to each other about her.

I live locally though so when she needs something it falls to me.

She’s always been very opinionated but is getting more horrible and negative as she gets older.
She aced the mini mental a year ago, but does have some memory loss although nothing enough to be out of the ordinary

I'm an only child. My cousin somehow ended up being the golden child. However she had no illusions about DM's behaviour and supported me 100%. My husband and adult kids were very supportive as well. My middle DD in particular was very helpful and would "Gma sit" so DH and I could go shopping together or out in the car for a couple of hours. Towards the end she would stare straight through me and ask where my cousin was. I was "that woman". But she died 14 months ago and I miss the mum I had before dementia took her away.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty at all. I barely cried the day she died I was so relieved.

God its exhausting isnt it. Mine same age. Always negative. I nearly dread visits now. She nice til you say the word no. Lol

I'm sorry that happened to you, it's wretched.

Are you able to step back and not go round so often? Or stop altogether for a few days? Then, when she contacts you again you can say "You called me a mean bitch on Thursday, mother, and I will not tolerate that language from anyone." There are solutions which might make things easier - online shopping, social befriender visits, etc.

You could also make a plan that, when you're there, as soon as any nastiness starts, you simply stop whatever you're doing and leave. Just go, without comment or reaction, or nothing more than "we've discussed this before, mum. I'm not going to be spoken to like that. Goodbye." If she doesn't get a rise out of you, it's less fun for her.

Another option if she persists and basic tactics don't work might be to say "Mother, if you cannot be civil to people trying to support you, then perhaps it's time to start thinking about residential care."

I know it's not easy being elderly, but it's not a free pass to be abusive. And you don't have to take it, any of it. You can't set yourself on fire to keep another person warm. You are important too.

If you haven't already found it, there's a long-running thread on MN called The Cockroach Cafe - it's for people with challenging elderly relatives. It's an absolute haven of kindness, wisdom and support of the very best kind. There's a virtual comfy bench for the vastly overpopulated "bad daughters' room" with gin and biscuits 😏- here's a link: Cockroach cafe Summer 2025 | Mumsnet

Very best wishes to you. I hope things get better for you. Posting about this doesn't make you a bad person. You sound like a lovely, caring person who has had enough, and you do get to call time on this if you want/need to. Adult Social Care can step in if you need to remove yourself. x

My MiL had dementia so different , but when she had a UTI she became really nasty. Luckily DD is a carer and recognised what it was. UTI s in the elderly are known for this so if its a new thing call her GP

Thank you all. She did text me the next day to say “Sorry for getting mad at you, I apologise “ and transferred me £100 (I’m going on holiday today).

She is always good for the financial rewards 😅 but I don’t let her be horrid to me. I just ignore her for a few days then she inevitably needs me to fetch something!
it’s a bit tricky because I’ve been using her car recently (DDs van died so she’s borrowing my car, so I’m having to use mums for work) so I accept I’ll need to fetch and carry a bit as I’ve got her wheels!

I’ll check out that thread, thanks

@REP22 Great piece of advice!

"Mother, if you cannot be civil to people trying to support you, then perhaps it's time to start thinking about residential care".

OP I hear you. I washed my hands of my Barc mother years ago. No regrets at all.

My Step mum has always been a bit weird. Can blow hot and cold and always has done. One minute you're getting along just fine and then there's a perceived slight from her that puts her in a mood with you. It hurts, especially when you've given more than you've ever got. She can be so lovely and then can also be very self-centred.

My siblings and I suspect that she's jealous of my relationship with my Dad. It's something she never had with her parents.

It's got worse with the dementia.

So, when she's not being nice about my siblings, I pull her up on it. It gets to me more than when she's like it with me.

When she's like it with me, I back off and go cool towards her. I'm lucky that, between us, the 'bad guy of the moment' takes a step back and someone else steps up.

This time around I've taken a proper step back and put one of my siblings as primary contact for docs now. I'm done! That sibling is nowhere near as well organised as me so she'll just have to manage with what she gets going forward.

I have enough stress in my life without the additional stress of her drama.

But I like Rep22's advice.

Recently, even.the favoured sibling has had enough of her slagging me and my other siblings off and has backed off.

She won't come to any harm. She has my Dad but she also won't get taken out, have nice food delivered, have assistance with her laptop or see much of the grandchildren.