Zero relationship- but worried.

[beachcitygirl]

I have an elderly parent. Zero relationship for over a decade due to her alcoholism. That said, I have sympathy- she had a shit life. She tried to be a good mum, best she could. I’ve had murmuring from extended family that I should “step up “ I have an elderly partner and disabled child and difficult to schedule career. Yet I feel guilty. Advice please? 🙏🏻

You need to do whatever will make you feel best when you look back once she's passed on.

Think seriously about how you will feel when you hear she has gone. Will you feel debilitatingly guilty for not stepping up or seeing her before she went?

If so, do what is going to bring you peace.

And what are these murmuring extended family members doing to help?

It’s not so much about seeing her. It’s providing care and possibly having her live with me. I’m deeply uncomfortable with that but on all honesty there is no one else.

Yes this, tell them you’ll step up when she stops drinking for a year or two, but they are welcome to enable her if they want to.

they socialise with her but in all honesty are v extended (think second cousins) so don’t bear any responsibility really.

Sounds like it’s time for those extended family members to ‘step up’ then!

Seriously though, it sounds like you’ve got more than enough to deal with without her in the equation. Has she had a social services assessment?

Not as of yet. She’s still independent and functional but her alcohol use is creating issues that they don’t want to deal with ( tbh I dealt with them at 15 - same issues) so she isn’t the issue, but things will obviously deteriorate not improve. I’m v torn

Honestly I think it is utter madness to even consider it. Moving an elderly relative in, even one you have a close relationship with, is a massive commitment. You haven't spoken to her in 10 years, she is still an alcoholic and that is very unlikely to change. Maybe step in in finding her supportive living when the time comes but moving her in with you - hell no.

Usually I think we should do what we can for the older generation but it doesn’t sound as if you can do much given your circumstances. I felt a little similar to you in that I wasn’t that close to my mother but felt sympathy and felt some responsibility.

There’s a lot of clear blue water (maybe that’s not the phrase!) between having her live with you and doing absolutely nothing. Hard to advise without knowing the exact issues but in time it might be helping her apply for attendance allowance , helping by doing setting up a repeated online food shop, life admin etc. Things that might not take too much time or are one off (attendance allowance) and can be done from a distance if face to face contact is difficult/time consuming.

Not sure if her trust in you is affected by the alcoholism, but it might be good to see if she wants you or someone else to be health and welfare and/or financial power of attorney. Just all usually much easier to have these as it would be easier to help her manage money etc if she lost capacity.
Sounds hard, and you can only do what you can!

My brother died an alcoholic. His life as he moved towards end stage was a cra rash of a mess.

Please resist the urge to offer your mother a space in your home to live. Your disabled child NEEDS you more and no child should be subjected to the whims of an adult after booze.

You can care without having to be the carer. By all means when there is a need contact social services for assessment of your mums needs, be very firm you are NOT in a position to provide the day to day care nor willing to do so as you have not had a relationship for years due to her drinking.

You have not got a relationship of late with them for a very good reason as their most important and sole relationship will always be with alcohol.

It doesn't sound like you caring for her would be good for you or your family. In fact it would likely be very toxic and harmful all round.

You have no relationship, for what I assume are very good reasons. You are not responsible for caring for her.

What you could do is contact SS, make a referral for a vulnerable adult, explain you are not able or willing to provide direct support and ask them to do a care assessment so that she receives support, just not from you.

That will hopefully put your feelings of guilt to bed.

One thing I do know. Do not have an alcoholic relative come live with you op. Help from a distance, if you feel able to. However you have a lot to contend with in your life as it is by the sound of it, and your partner, your child and indeed yourself come first. You only have so much time, commitment, resources, to go round.

I’m from a big family and cousins can be a feature. But honestly, don’t upend your entire life into a predictable disaster because of a few comments from people who barely know either of you!

If you feel you should get back in touch with her, you could, eg a weekly phone call and a person who social workers could contact about supported living. If that feels too much, for good reason by the sound of it, then definitely don’t consider her moving in…