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Elderly parents

End of life care

16 replies

chocolateluvva · 24/09/2025 21:45

I don’t know if it’s in the right subject.
My parent is currently receiving end of life care, I don’t know how long this may be and the Drs are unsure of this at the moment. We aren’t on the best of terms and neither in the rest of the family of my unwell parent. I’m in a dilemma of we have a family holiday booked and my young kids are really looking forward to this next month & now I don’t know what to really do.
my parent has been very very selfish and I don’t really know how to figure what I want to do.
any thoughts?
I probably sound awfully horrible right about now.

OP posts:
Shadowfacs · 24/09/2025 21:58

If your parent is having End of Life care they could well be fitted with a syringe driver, or be having one fitted soon.

If this is the case then, sadly, they may not be aware of their surroundings and your presence/absence will not be noticed.

I would leave instructions with the care home as to which funeral director to use when they pass and take the holiday.

These decisions are never easy.

chocolateluvva · 24/09/2025 22:13

They had a syringe driver fitted last night. So would I need to make these arrangements of funeral directors before hand? Never done this and have zero guidance.

OP posts:
Shadowfacs · 24/09/2025 22:19

chocolateluvva · 24/09/2025 22:13

They had a syringe driver fitted last night. So would I need to make these arrangements of funeral directors before hand? Never done this and have zero guidance.

I would make them, yes, to make sure your parent's wishes are carried out eg burial/cremation, religious service or not .

Funeral directors are very helpful and can advise you better than I can,

chocolateluvva · 24/09/2025 22:23

Shadowfacs · 24/09/2025 22:19

I would make them, yes, to make sure your parent's wishes are carried out eg burial/cremation, religious service or not .

Funeral directors are very helpful and can advise you better than I can,

I’ll probably give them a call tomorrow and speak to them and seek further advice. So I know what I’m doing and can get something in place with the funeral directors before hand.

OP posts:
katgab · 25/09/2025 10:12

Worth taking advice but when the time comes the death will need to be registered. I believe there are a certain number of days to do this. I had to make an appointment and go in person. My mums death was expected but still the paperwork had to be reviewed by the medical examiner who spoke to me to explain it all before I could register the death. Usually the funeral cannot be arranged until after the paperwork has been completed unless there’s an urgency for religious reasons where they make special arrangements for that. I was slightly over the time limit owing to the registrar appointment time but it was accepted as it was a problem with their appointments. I was not with my mum at the end for various reasons. I thought I had made peace with that before the end but it had weighed heavily on me since.

Teachingagain · 25/09/2025 10:42

When my Mum died in hospital it was a Saturday morning and it took until Friday for the hospital to complete the paper work. Then you need to make an appointment to regiater the death. Only when this is done can the funeral home can collect the body. The hospital will keep the body until funeral home collect it.

SockFluffInTheBath · 25/09/2025 17:41

I’m sorry you’re facing this OP.

MIL died at the end of August less than 48hrs after the driver was set up- but that’s not meant as an indication for your situation. The district nurses came out within a few hours to verify her death, and they informed the GP. We then called the funeral directors who came for her the same day she died. A few days later we went in and booked the funeral. A few days after that we were called to make an appt for the death certificate, and at that appt they also did the green form which allows the burial/cremation to occur. There’s also a one-click website to inform all relevant government agencies of the death, we were given all this information by the registrar at the death certificate appt.

It does feel like a lot to do but a good funeral director will lead you through it, and the medical/official side just sort of kicks in and rumbles on giving you notifications when necessary.

whiteroseredrose · 25/09/2025 19:15

I agree it may be quite soon now. For my MIL it was less than 2 days. It’s very hard but I believe that when it reaches this stage, it’s time.

HoraceGoesBonkers · 25/09/2025 19:22

I was able to register DF's death over the phone; it took two calls

I'd try and work out any admin type things now (eg, how many copies of the death certificate you'll need), shortlist of post-funeral venues, funeral director, order of service etc.

DF was put on the morphine at the end and only lasted a couple of days after that.

Is your parent in a care home or hospice? They'll be able to help advise with funeral directors.

I wouldn't feel bad about wanting a holiday after all this - it can take a while to get a slot at a crem or burial at the moment in any case.

Greebosmum · 25/09/2025 21:54

Definitely take the holiday. As others have said. Try to get as much admin done as possible before you go. We were in this position with MiL. My husband, a great pragmatist, said if she dies, she'll still be dead when we get back. Sounds harsh but true

MysterOfwomanY · 25/09/2025 22:47

Nothing will be made worse by you talking to a few funeral directors, seeing if you can get on with them, and what their prices are like. Who will know?

On a practical note - the reason it's suggested you bring things like the deceased passport, driving licence etc to the death registration appointment... it's because they can put different names the deceased was known by on the certificate - up to three.
Which is useful when, subsequently, you're the executor and trying to deal with accounts in the name of
Mrs Late Relative
Ms Latie Relative-Smith
Miss Late Maiden name
if you see what I mean.

Re whether to go or not and what to say if you do - the issue is not so much your parent, as it appears that they'll be beyond all care fairly soon. The issue is more regarding other people who you may have to deal with for many years after this - relatives, neighbours, family friends etc.

Hopefully they all know the score, and are sympathetic to you, but if not, it can't hurt to phrase things diplomatically.
E.g. "If I thought I would be a comfort to them, it would be different, but as you know, they never seemed to enjoy my company, and, hard as it is, I have accepted they seem happier with the nurses than with me" or some such.

Best of luck. IME death can often bring out a streak of madness in otherwise OK people; I've learned the best thing is to react as little as possible. It's very rare that you can't wiggle round someone by basically saying very little and disappearing to "do a thing" asap and strategically forgetting anything was ever said.

BerkleyChoo · 25/09/2025 22:51

Is your holiday in the October half term?

chocolateluvva · 26/09/2025 21:44

BerkleyChoo · 25/09/2025 22:51

Is your holiday in the October half term?

No it’s next week

OP posts:
TheCaptainsLog · 27/09/2025 17:03

I was in the same situation back in the summer - elderly relative on EOL care just before a family cruise holiday (which would have been extremely difficult to leave part way). In the end, she died exactly a week before we were due to leave.

Yes to having funeral arrangements up your sleeve. At the very least, have the number to hand of whichever one you choose; obviously you can do your research now. They can swing into action as soon as the death is certified.

My relative died at about 5am on the Tuesday in a nursing home and was certified by a doctor within an hour. I called the funeral director's out of hours line at about 7.30am and they arranged for the body to be collected that morning and taken to the mortuary. The FD themselves called me back at about 9.30 and I was in their premises making arrangements before lunch. That bit was easy.

Registering the death was the big issue. This will be an 'expected' death in legal terms so the medical professional who certifies the death will inform your local Medical Examiner who will then review it. It is unlikely they will throw up any problems, but it could still take two or three days for them to contact you once they're satisfied about the cause of death. Once the Medical Examiner has contacted you they will inform the Registrar themselves and you then have five days to register the death. In our case the Medical Examiner didn't call me until the Thursday morning and we were due to leave on the following Tuesday; fortunately the registrar had an appointment available on the Friday morning. I had told the ME about our holiday plans when asking about the timeline for the process and he did pass that on to the Registrar, which helped greatly.

Registering the death is supposed to be done by a close family member, but I can't see why a solicitor shouldn't be able to on your behalf if you can't make the timescale. As PPs have said get the right documentation together in advance. I've copied and pasted below the email I got from the Registrar confirming the appointment, to give you some idea of how you can prepare:

Dear CaptainsLog
This is to confirm your appointment to register the death of your elderly relative on Friday 01 August 2025 at 10:20 at Salford Register Office.
You will be able to request and purchase certified copies of the death certificate during your appointment. The cost is £12.50 for each copy. You can request multiple copies at the time of registration and the Registrar will talk you through how many you may require.
Please note that after registration, additional copies may be ordered via our website.
To help us record the correct information on the registration, please bring with you documentation relating to the deceased such as; Passport or Driving Licence if you have access to them and documentation for yourself such as Driving Licence, Council Tax Bill or Recent Utility Bill.
Please note that any mistakes found on the death certificates after registration will incur correction fees of up to £99.00, we will ask you to check the register page carefully before signing and any mistakes found at this point can be rectified in your appointment.
Please ensure you arrive at least ten minutes before your appointed time. If you are not able to make your appointment, please contact us as soon as possible to rearrange your appointment.

The other thing I would strongly suggest you do as quickly as possible is use the "Tell us once" service as soon as the Registrar gives you the code. Twice in the last 18 months I've had situations where pensions/benefits payments have been made after the death and had to be paid back. The quicker you use Tell us once the less this becomes an issue.

If you can make the arrangements work, go on the holiday. My relative was 95 and had been in really poor health for a long time. I feel no guilt about the relief when she finally did shuffle off, and none about having made detailed plans in advance.

Musicaltheatremum · 29/09/2025 16:19

We had this recently with my 97 year old father in law. We had a holiday booked and we went. He died the day after we returned but I would go onto the registrars page for her local council and see if registration can be done over the phone. The website will probably also tell you what you need to register the death.
We needed NI number dob date of marriage and mil's name and date of death then they marry all this info up. Also need parents' occupation. You can take photocopy of passport, driving licence, blue badge, pension details if public sector pension and this can all be put into the tell it once system.
You are supposed to register the death within 6 days but there's no penalty if you're a little late(so I'm led to believe )and I'm sure you could phone the registrars office and let them know iv you're going to be back later than 6 days.
Stressful time bug I hope you get your holiday. It's important

Elderflouish · 29/09/2025 17:58

Direct cremation has become the latest thing in my mum's circle.
So off they go, I sent flowers via the funeral director.
My mum then organised a convenient time, place, finished in time for the Archers, to 'celebrate life' of her unpleasant husband. It was a her party really.

I think for a tricky relative I have in mind, I'll be doing direct cremation, then if anyone is nosy, claiming we had a small, very small service (me and the dog howling on a cliff).
I'll chuck 100quid at the golf/WI/U3A Xmas party to raise a toast (no attendance necessary by me) and jobs a good un.

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