Dementia/Memory/Dog...where to start?

[Dakin]

Not sure where to begin but trying to provide my husband some support in regard to a parent.

FIL has really deteriorated in last year and hasn't really been the same since he lost his wife during Covid. He lives alone in a house that is falling down round him, not cleaned, really messy and fights everything we try to do to resolve. His personal hygiene is also concerning and he is always depressed/bearing a grudge. He can be aggressive when challenged and angry if anyone addresses this. Its made worse by a large dog he has had for last 4 years which runs rampant. He has suffered falls/injuries e.g. broken ribs etc due to being pulled over by dog on walks.

He is showing more and more signs of memory issues - we took him to GP who indicated some short term memory loss a month or so ago but recently he has shown confusion over where he lives/where he is going and driving. Everything is an argument/battle because though he broadly agrees with us he does not want to make any decision/change to circumstances.

My husband tearing his hair out of additional stress (own health issues/small children/work fulltime). We have POA signed but unsure if it needs to be activated/or if it would be given he still has capacity currently?

We have forced conversation about rehoming dog immediately but again feels like the first of many battles? where do we start?

Start with the driving.

If he's not capable of driving anymore he needs to give up his license before an accident occurs.

When he went to the GP did you/DH go with him or did he see the GP on his own?
Did the GP just say 'short term memory issues' or did they refer to a Memory Clinic?

Assuming he isn't already on the waiting list for Memory Clinic, step one is to make that happen. And to alert the GP with your concerns about driving safety and him getting lost.

Next - do you have POA for Finance or Health and Welfare?

Finance - he may have signed that it can be used immediately (ideal) or only when he lacks capacity. If the latter then he is going to need Memory Clinic and a Capacity Assessment.

Health and Welfare - only comes into play when he has lost capacity. But even that may not be as helpful as you might wish in practice when faced with an angry man who doesn't want a wash. And I don't think it covers making decisions about dogs.

For you and your DH's sanity I would start approaching this mentally as if he already has a diagnosis of dementia. Dementia stops you from making decisions, often makes you very cross at the world (as obvs it's everyone else fault and you can't remember how you cocked things up). It is not worth getting in a fight with him.

Finally capacity is decision specific, one doesn't 'have capacity' or not, it's about every individual decision. From your description he sounds like he has capacity for some decisions and not others. For example he can't properly weigh up whether he is safe to drive or walk a large untrained dog.

If you believe he is no longer capable of driving then you must report that to the DVLA. Has he had an eye test recently?
If optician finds his eyesight is not good enough to drive then they are obliged to report to DVLA.

We got to the stage where we had to stage an intervention. It was becoming unsustainable. We had a family meeting and said this is what we were prepared to do and no more. We've found by the time you notice the dementia its already advanced and its take a age to get diagnosed and they lie/mask and don't attend meetings. You will need to activate the health POA so that you can keep track of meetings and get info from the doctors.

FIL was diagnosed with mixed dementia and we told him to stop driving until he got reassessed. He got lost driving to the assessment centre. Car removed and we said you can have it back when you can renew your licence on your own and get to the assessment centre. He's never had it back.

Do report to DVLA, but also consider the fact that his insurance company (re driving a car) will need to be informed, as depending on how bad he is he may no longer be insurable, and indeed may already be in violation of the T&Cs. Found that out the hard way a while back with a family member.

Re activating a P of A, my Dm had the old style one, but by the time we needed to activate it (a cheque for £4k had gone missing, never traced, and she had no clue as to how) increasing dementia had made her very suspicious of our motives - we were all trying to steal her money.

In the end it was a case of my Dbro (who had always been her Golden Boy*) getting really tough, with ‘Sign here, or else!’

*no criticism of him, he always did at least his share.