Just need support

[Mammadrama]

Hello. My Dad passed sway a few years ago and I’ve become the main person in my Mums life- mainly for company on weekends. I have a family of my own and I work ( on Saturdays too) . I have been pretty much staying with her every weekend- basically to chat and watch tv together. So basically if I have the odd weekend at home I feel bad for not being home and vice versa. My Mum still works ( she is 80) 3 days a week and does meet up with a friend for lunch the odd time. I just need advice to how to say no sometimes without immense guilt. I have always been an emotional protector of her since I was a kid- long story. Hope this makes sense!
( also she wants to stay with us some weekends which is fine but that entails me driving 2 hours ( to get her and pick her up ) and can’t do much with my family as need to stay with her)-

Are there other siblings? Op you very good we didnt do overnights as gets set in stone. We have bit of home help now. Theres 3 us so bit easier. Guess we could do more but we work aswell...

Why do you NEED to see her every weekend. She still works. Is it really necessary. What about your own family? Do you think that you might need to give your own family a higher priority?

I have always been an emotional protector of her since I was a kid

OP, whatever happened to make you feel like this needs addressing. Get therapy. You're doing too much and feeling too much guilt.

What about you? What about your best interests? What about your family? What's best for your kids?

Is she unwell in some way OP? Is that why you need to spend so much time there? is the 2 hour drive each way?

My H used to spend a few hours each week with his mum as we lived nearby so he'd pop in at lunchtime and sometimes on Saturdays or Sundays. I used to see my dad every Sunday, again we lived local. These arrangements lasted maybe 5 years from the time they became quite unwell until they died. So I think that sounds fair - others I know do once a month. But I also have a friend who has to see her dad every Saturday and Sunday, literally go and sit in his flat, mostly in silence. She's done this for maybe 5 years now and resents it terribly but the father is manipulative. There are so many variables but clearly this is not working for you.

You are indeed doing too much and heading for carer burnout.

It sounds too like you've been trained and or otherwise conditioned by your
mother to be her emotional protector (and confidante) from childhood and that has been very damaging to you. You are also likely mired in a FOG state - fear, obligation and guilt, as a result.

You need to drop the rope here and make yourself far less available to her going forward. Your family need you more than your mother does and your mother has done a thorough job of manipulating you to be at her beck and call like this.

Yes you are all right, it’s definitely a guilt thing
i have no siblings here and the one I do have lives in another country and won’t visit for years and years. I do enjoy the company of my Mom but I feel she doesn’t get that my weekends should be with my family too and she complains if she doesn’t stay at mine as she likes the change of scene but that’s even worse as that’s stresses me out more

I do take my son with me at times but it’s all really about mum wanting to spend time with just me ( yes I do stay overnight as the drive to her house is over 50 miles away£

It must also be expensive all that travelling. I would cut this down. Maybe once a month for a weekend and the following month she could come to you. She could catch the bus perhaps

One of those trips to stay with you can be a taxi. Pre book, negotiate price, she can chat to the driver or listen to the radio. She needs to compromise for your benefit to get her own benefits. Driving to and from both ends of a visit is a genuine waste of your time.

Your mother still works. She is perfectly capable. She does not NEED you to stay with her every weekend. Are you scared of her?

yes it’s a cycle of guilt- we do get on and enjoy each other’s company but I need more weekends at home. She used to get the train up to mind but that has stopped for the last year- I always drove here to and back on a Sunday then back to
mine but which consume most of Sunday. I actually said I’m not coming down this weekend- I’ve been at hers the last 2 weekends so just need time at home. The absolute most is I can go 2 weeks with out seeing her but the guilt sets in- I just feel obliged as I’m the only family she has here so yes it’s my fault too for not setting boundaries I guess but I’ve always been like this- I just wish she could move closer to me and life would be so much easier but she won’t and can’t blame her if she doesn’t want too .The FOG concept is really interesting. I’m a middle aged woman with a teenage son- but still afraid to hurt her feelings- it’s just hard to explain- I guess I feel sorry for he being in her own . It would be great if my sibling would at least visit once a year. I even take her away for weekends a few times during the year and to shows etc. but I can’t deny and say there is no resentment building.

They can get free bus passes over 60. My 82 yr old MIL uses hers all the time

I get this sadness of letting her down- I’ve always felt sorry for her and v protective of her emotional well being as she has been thru a lot of tradegies in her life - been like this my whole life-

OP look into parentification, which is when they lean on you for emotional support as a child / teen. It's not really healthy tbh. Your son and family need you too and should be your priority.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/sep/20/parentified-child-behave-like-adult

That article is very interesting and did hit home for me. @Orangesandlemons77

You might also find this site helpful

https://outofthefog.website

OP, you’ve got a teenage son. How much time are you spending with him? One of my friends moved in to help her mum when her children were early teens. By the time her mum died the children had left home and she’d barely got any relationship with them!

Your mum does not need this number of visits. She’s active, working, can get herself out and about. If she wanted to, she could come and visit you. I used to see mine several times a week, but now I’ve got it down to a handful of times per year, which isn’t what she wants but is much better for my sanity. And my relationship with my own children.

@EmotionalBlackmail I am very close to my teenager - thank goodness- we spend lots of time together ( albeit he wants to spend time with friends and his weekends can be all about that- plus he needs to spend more quality time with his dad- my husband works a lot ( self employed) and I take him with me a a lot when I’m staying over with my Mum- the 3 of us have a good time-( myself Mum and my teenager) but I just selfishly ( yes it’s not selfish - I honestly don’t know any other person spending this much time away from home at weekends for a parent) just want to be at home - I love my home and it’s not the most relaxing for me to spend the whole weekend at my mom - as she is the “ boss @ when I’m there- what we watch on tv and the food we eat - which is usually junk even tho she knows I’ve had high cholesterol this year) I bring my dog with me as it helps my anxiety ( I’ve been diagnosed with GAD a long time ago and on meds for it but mum never asks about that)

Plus my husband encourages me going to stay with my mom - and probably loves having the house to himself all weekend especially when I take our teenager) my son loves going to my mums as it like a getaway for him