Long distance elderly care?

[LimitedMedicalKnowledge]

Not sure why I’m writing this down, but I feel like my life is just about to drastically change.

I left my home town 300 miles away to go to uni and never went back. One of my siblings lives overseas and the other near my parent. Our other parent died in my early 20’s and our remaining parent got remarried pretty soon. They are widowed again now.

My parent is having tests at the moment and it looks like they may have something very wrong with them.

My sibling is picking up the lions share, other sibling not really able to help. Nearby sibling getting very stressed out as my parent is a big handful. They’ve made no preparation for old age and is in denial about being elderly.

I’ve DC still at home, got a part time job and am training for a new career where I am on the job training so basically working full time.

The way things are going I think I’m going to have to give up my training and be available to go up and down the country to help.

Of course, I don’t want my parent to be ill, but I also feel like I’m going to have to give up my life to go help out.

How does anyone else deal with this?

Don’t give up your training.
Could you arrange a sibling meeting and discuss options ideally the more outside paid for help the better so nearby sibling isn’t stitched up?

You might need to organise carers so your sibling is not carrying all the weight.

Talk to sibling who is doing the caring currently and see what they are willing and able to do. Decide how you both arrange the tasks your sibling can't/won't do. You don't have to pick up everything/anything yourself. Sort care, cleaner, gardener, or care home if necessary. Perhaps you could remotely do all the admin tasks rather than having to travel.

The sibling doing the most care should receive the unconditional support of you and your other sibling. By which I mean accept that they get to do things their way.

Edit: typo corrected

You can’t give up your life and family’s future for the sake of an ill parent.

Be open with your sibling about what you can and can’t do. It’s their choice how much they’re doing but they’re probably feeling under pressure to do it as the local one. Encouraging them to outsource as much as possible (cleaning, gardening, house maintenance, meal deliveries, lifts to hospital) reduces the load.
What can you do from a distance - sort out finances, book meal deliveries, liaise with hospital/SS.

I’m in a similar position distance-wise
but am the closest sibling!

Your priority is keeping a roof over your own and your family’s head.

The logistics of it are not actually the no.1 issue of it believe or not. My parents behaviour and inability to accept they need help and they are elderly is the main problem, and the stress this is causing my sibling who then gets stressed with me.

I’m sitting here on my 1.5 commute to work, I’ll be home at 7.15pm, I need to study and submit late coursework tonight and I’ll have to deal with my parent somewhere during the day.

I feel really overwhelmed and I’m not even the one doing the care.

Please don’t give up your future.

I am an only DC and currently jobless as I can’t work full time because of DPs and there isn’t much part time. I am much older than you and we can afford it, but it’s absolutely soul destroying. If I needed the money to survive I would just have to be harsher with them about getting more care in, trouble is they are at the tricky stage where they are just above the bar of capacity and can afford their own care.

Anyway enough about me.

Speak to your sibling and work out a plan of action where you take on the remote responsibilities. Encourage them not to do more than they can and to let you know if they are struggling, but that might mean getting in additional support, also tell them not to turn down any caring support. The DP themselves may try and veto it, it’s totally natural to want to be looked after by your family, but that doesn’t mean it’s practical and you can help your sibling to make sure their needs are met as well.

Sorry I crossed over with your post.
I know the intransigent DP situation well unfortunately!
Sometimes you have to let the crisis happen for them to accept that they need external help.
Your sibling may be worried that you will judge them if something happens to DPs. Reassure them that you won’t. Have social services been contacted for an assessment? Do your DPs have funds for cleaning or caring?
If they have funds I would encourage you both to really force the issue to get a cleaner as a start. Nobody should be doing tasks that can be easily outsourced. If they don’t have funds and even with a cleaner, it’s often a situation of having to accept that they are living in standards that are lower than you would like, but I would only worry about anything that is unsanitary or dangerous.

You shouldn't have to give up your life, but then again, nor should your nearby sibling. Paid care is probably the way forward. People get very slopey-shouldered when their parents start needing care.

That’s why a sibling meeting could work, then you could tell your parents what you three siblings are able and not able to do as a unanimous decision and you have to stick to it. The rest of their care/house/garden etc they’ll have to pay for help.
It really is so hard, please don’t give up your training.
Keep an eye on helping sibling that they are looking after their self as it can take over your life (been there done that and fit the T shirt).

We’ve recently got a cleaner through AgeUk for my DM. They have a housekeeping section and send the same person each week. All DBS checked.

I was the close daughter; my sister was the distant one. What helped me was a) being able to download and discuss with someone who really understood and who supported me to look after myself (and who I knew felt guilty that I was doing the heavy lifting) and b) her coming and taking over completely for a few days or a week, either by staying with me or by taking mum away for a week.

DH and DBIL split the load by close brother doing the local hospital trips and food shopping and far brother by doing all the finances and admin anything that can be done online.

As ever, ensure both POA are in place and that both of you can make decisions separately

It sounds as if your sister will really benefit from you supporting her and encouraging her to prioritise herself. And if that means there are crises, then so be it.

As @olderbutwiser says there is a lot you can do as the distant sibling. I too am the closest (but not that close) sibling. What would have helped me was a supportive sibling who could listen and appreciate and took on the online parts, of which much of this is. So, arrange household repairs, contact for GP, arrange prescriptions, arrange house adaptions with social services/OT, apply for power of attorney and enable that, support on finances, apply for attendance allowance, identify carers and support services… the list goes on. Over the years I have boiled myself up into a complete rage whilst researching and resolving issues entirely online that the distant sibling could have done just as easily. My bitter line is always that it’s a shame that my sibling lives in an area where the internet hasn’t reached …What you must not do is give up on your training.