very difficult DM - topic continues money care move inheritance and me lost

[opioil]

I wrote here before about my difficult DM (mid 80s). Our relationship has alwasy been difficult. I left home at 21 and moved abroad. My DM had a very good comfortable life. Since beginning of this year she has new neighbours above her and can not stop complaining. The situation is not that bad at all. I have been there, I checked. A lot of it is drama. She claims thei are noisy yet she is deaf so it makes no sense. I do not think they are noisy at all. My mother can not hear a ringtone of her landline yet she hears them! She lives outside of the UK so there is a distance between us. I see her 2x a year. I am in therapy because I can not cope with those visits and how they make me feel. Her recent demand is that I help her sell her flat, buy another one and move her. I asked her where does she want to move, she doesnt know. She wants me to just be her lady in waiting go around places and view and buy and sort it all out. She has no imagination as for the logistics - how is she going to buy a flat if she has to selll hers first, how is she going to move where with selling her flat she will lose money as she will have to account for refurbishment, taxes and she will be downsizing so a lot of her stuff will have to go. Country where she lives - people do not sell large flats as it is a loss. Additionally the flat was suppose to be my inheritance and I planned to return there on my retirement. I have been divorced and badly burned in relationships with a lot of financial loss so I need to work hard to rebuild. My problem is I am currently in the UK and searching for job as I lost my job in August. My mother just expects me to drop everything and adhere to her wishes. When I spoke to her and listed all the cons of her move and how her decision is not really sensible she thinks I am against her, I do not want to help her and I am waiting for her to die. I did not want to say this to her but if she doesn move to a smaller flat as that is all she will be able to afford and then later in say 5/10 years at 90 or 95 she has dementia the flat will not be able to cover the care. She doesnt even think about it. I can not afford to take her to UK as I live in a rented room. Plus I am unwell myself and do not need this. I am trying to sort out my life and she just doesnt see it like that. I can not cope anymore with her. She is so pushy and belidgerent I actually fear every phone call with her. It is all about her. In one of my PP one poster suggested I start liying and I never thought of it until now. It feel like the only option. I simply do not know what to do. How to divert her from this irrational idea of selling and moving. She is mid 80s, has not got a smart phone nor emial yet she is up for one of the most stressful life tasks. Please give me some sensible talk. I need to stay resolute here.

I need more info...
Do you have siblings?
Is your mother living 100% independently now?
Why does she want to move?
Does the flat meet her current needs?
Would it meet her needs if she lost mobility?
Are you confident she is cognitively OK at the moment? Some of her attitudes suggest she might not be.

@Frillysweetpea she is a drama queen and seeks attention life long behaviour.
I am the only child.
She lives independently 100% fully mobile, praises herself how well she manages yet to gain my sympathy will drop reular woe is me which contradicts.
She wants to move because she claims upstairs neighbours are noisy (they are not), how could she know she is deaf 100% one side and 50% other side classified as disability where she is. I confrim neighbours are not noisy at all. She had 3 floodings from them this year due to their faulty pipework in their bathroom which has been resolved and paid for. She has an obsession about floodings and literally awaits each day a flooding. Is convinced she will get flooded again. Her behaviour is irrational. My observatio is, she wants to move because all her friends moved but her friends financial situation was different and it was the children who were arranging the new homes as the owners with permission for parents to live there till they die. I have not got this kind of money to be buying flats. She tells me how to spend my money.
Her current place is very comfortable, she has been living there for over 30 years. Re cognitive - I do not know - what should I pay attention to?
I am lost, she stresses me out beyond belief.

It sounds very difficult for you. If you're in therapy because she has always focused on herself, even when you were a child, she is not going to change. It sounds like her irrational concerns are long term as well, so not necessarily part of cognitive change.

It's good that her apartment in reality meets her current needs but, regardless of what you do now, her health will fail sooner rather than later. Does she have the financial means to fund her care without selling her apartment? How long for? I'm asking because you need to appraise whether you are realistically likely to inherit the property. What options are there for care and support in her country when she needs them?

You also need to work out what you need to thrive. Can you cope with x more years of her unreasonable demands, which may well worsen with ill health? Do you really need to inherit to be happy and how likely is it that you will?

Of course, it is very easy for me as an outsider to say if the answers to these questions are "not long", "no" and "probably not" then go no contact. I'm sure she has guilt tripped you many times. But at the very least look at the practicalities of her current demands and implications of her aging and talk over these and your emotional responses to them with your therapist. You need to view this from multiple angles and decide how much, if anything, you are prepared to do for her and where your boundaries are.

I think your mother likes the idea of moving but has no reality of what's involved in doing this.
Yes she may have had friends that moved but they probably had more money along with help from adult sons or daughters to deal with all that this entailed. They were probably moving from a family home to a apartment more suitable as they aged.

If your mother mentions moving I would ask her how can you afford to do this
because you will need sell your current flat to fund this. You need to clean and remove everything from the flat to do this. Tell her she will need to live in a rental flat as well once her flat is on the market as she has to sell her flat vacant because it the only way it will sell.
Tell her that unfortunately your not in a position to come over and sort this out for her as your currently job hunting.

My feeling is that your mother has always been selfish and it always been about what she wants and what suits her. I think that as some people age they become more like this.

You have to decide now what you are willing and able to do. You also have to decide how often you will contact her or visit her.
I would keep repeating this about selling the flat she is currently in because you have not the time to sort this out and it going to make her worse off financially also.

One of my friends has a mother who is some what like your mother. Her mother is comfortably off but has given her very little help financially. She has been verbally abusive and is always right when at times she has no idea at all. She has refused to listen to any advice that my friend has given her in regards to moving into a more suitable home or doing certain things now that will benefit her in the future.

Over the past 12 months her mother has gotten worse and my friend has had enough.

My friend has decided to put herself and her needs 1st from now on. She has decided to look for a job with more hours and money in the new year.
My friend is aware that by doing more hours in a better paid job it will help her out financially now and improve her pension down the line also. It will also mean that she is not as available for care in the future.

There's a lot of mixed up issues here. Your relationship, living situation and inheritance.
First of all forget the inheritance. It's not your money and you cannot rely on it.

Now, she wants to move but is not practical about it. So you can just agree with her and then do nothing more. So " yes mum, great idea to move to a more suitable flat. Why don't you contact an estate agent and your place valued" . She then says you should do it, you reply ",sure mum but I'm really busy looking for work so may not be able to do this for a while, probably easier for you to make all the arrangements as you are there"

Keep saying this. She says my friend DD did all this. You reply "how lucky that friend DD has all that spare time, I am jealous. Sadly Im really busy looking for work so I don't "

And so on.

For what it's worth she's sensible to be looking for a more suitable home really if her current place isn't ideal as she ages. Better to do so now before it's urgent

@Ilady exactly that. I spoke to her yesterday and presented her with exactly the scenario. This is a person who has not got a smart phone, no computer, doesnt know how to send a text message even on the retro mobile. Yet she has those grand plans. She signs things wothout reading and expects everyone else to pick up after her. I agree with PP she has always been very selfish and this is now very much showing up. I told her that equivalent of her flat after refurb is worth XX then you minus the value of the refurb (which I also calculated for her after checking with a refurb company) then there are admin fees and she is left with an amount that will only allow her to buy half the size she has now. Additionally I explained to her she needs to account for a refurb of the new place which means she ends up short of money. Also she needs to understand that half of her posessions must go as they will not fit in a property half the size.
Her current place is a 3 bedroom flat on a second floor, she is mobile, she has absolutely amazing neighbours and all she is doing is causing drama to draw attention. She is stubborn, belidgerent and frankly unbearable. She drains me off my energy I have nothing to give. I literally dread the calls I have with her. What I am going to tell her next time she starts this topic is also that if she moves into half the size property and falls ill and requires a carer where is this carer going to stay? The only option will be care home but that will have to be financed by the money from selling the place (the smaller one). This may not be enough. Another story is where am I going to stay if and when I visit? My mother never had a good relationship with me. When I was planning to get married first time and was excited about having a baby all I heard was 'do not expect us to help you raise the kids' and 'if you get married to him I will make sure I ruin your wedding day'. I did not invite my parents and told everyone why. People believed me because they knew how my mother can behave. Today she is all woe is me that others have adult grandchildren, sons in law, get taken on holiday or invited for sunday lunches and she is not. Well mum you worked very hard all your life to make sure I keep running away. I still do today where I am divorced, in depression and dispair of all this over the years. I call it cause and effect.
I am the same person who wrote here about visiting mother and not having a bed to sleep in (yes despite 3 bedrooms!!!). When I was married, my husband and I used to stay in a hotel. Being in her flat is all about going to sleep when she says so, having door open to the room I am in, chopping tomato with this knife not that knife and the terror of meal times. She literally thinks I am 12yo. I can not meet up with old time friends because her words 'she should be the most important person in my life' 'I came to see her not others' Me me me me me!!!

I've read a few a of your previous threads OP and the issue seems unchanged. And the advice is too. Stop engaging in the endless cycle that goes nowhere. If she complains about the neighbours, you say 'oh dear' and change the subject. If she 'demands' things, you say 'no that doesn't work for me'. Stop engaging with the drama.

oh and to top it all up she already told me few years ago that I am banned from moving her into a care home. She literally thinks I am going to drop my life, move into the flat with her so she can bark orders at me and control me.
I also have Christmas coming and absolutely dread going there becasue every year she is so so unpleasant to me I take a week to recover after 4 days with her. I have spend most Christmas away from my partner but with her. I do not take him with me because the one time we did spend Christmas together she caused a massive scene at the table in my house. I thought I can not do this again. So now I go there and just count the hours. I go because I feel guilty but to be honest with you if she kept in touch with her sister she could have spend Christmas with her instead she is in conflict with everyone.

and one more top up - the whole embroilment with the flat is of course wrapped in the 'I want you to come over to talk to me about the important topic' ok mum why dont you just tell me over the phone 'I am not going to talk over the phone I want you to come over and speak to me as it is an important matter' ok mum but I am short of money atm to buy plane tickets and i am jobless looking for work very stressful time for me ' well you are not working so you can come' mum my work is job hunting at the moment and I have few other things that I am trying to sort out ' well I guess i can not reply on you and your help i just need to die in this flat' and it goes on and on and on. She wants me to come over. She doesnt care I cant. It is all about what she wants and she wants it now. PP in my other post said to just start lying and I think it is the best solution to manager this situation. Minimum engagement and even if I am unemployed I say I am working busy busy can not take days off as on probabtion, working christmas sorry mum blah blah blah.

Just don’t go for Christmas. If you can’t say you just don’t want to, invent something. Norovirus or a work commitment. Whatever.

I agree with this. I too remember the previous post.

OP you can’t afford to worry about your mother. You can’t afford to count on the flat as an inheritance because it is distracting you from focusing on your life and your needs in the UK.

Also I think you need to admit that you are just not constitutionally organized, after being raised by a narcissistic abuser, to protect yourself using the tools of a stronger person. Use the tools and skills you learned from her:AVOIDANCE, retreat, obfuscation, camouflage. These are protections and skills you can access.

Don’t answer her calls.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
Don’t agree to do anything to help.
Be a mirror not a sponge “uh huh…sounds difficult…interested to hear how you solve that problem, must go…cat is on fire.”

Also I think you need to admit that you are just not constitutionally organized, after being raised by a narcissistic abuser, to protect yourself using the tools of a stronger person. Use the tools and skills you learned from her:AVOIDANCE, retreat, obfuscation, camouflage. These are protections and skills you can access.

@pikkumyy77 thank you - what do you mean by that exactly? Can you explain in more detail please, I am up for any tools and methods and appreciate it x

Ignore. Unlikely she'll be able to sell it without your help, just grey rock. And plan to finance your own retirement, any inheritance is a bonus.

Look:you have had years of therapy but you can’t simply ignore your mother? That is proof that you don’t have the requisite skill set or emotional strength to deal with her. She is relentless and you relent in every interaction. No matter how many times we offer you suggestions for how to be strong, resolute, indifferent, etc…you can’t do it because its not who she rsised you to be. She raised you to be anxious, needy, terrified, compliant, kindly, self sacrificing etc…

So you can’t overcome her training with strength/confidence/backbone since she trained those out of you. Try avoidance, retreat, ignorance (did you want me to call a realtor? I didn’t know), forgetfulness. Just delay, avoud, forget—all she can do is complain. So stop listening. Don’t pick up the phone at all. Don’t go visit. These are the skills of the weak and wounded.

"She thinks I'm against her, I do not want to help her and I am waiting for her to die"

@opioil, agree with her and move on with your life. Remove the control she seems to believe she has over you.

.

What it is you realistically can offer ? Offer it and suck the back lash in or therapy it. You are living in a rented room.? You aren't very well off ....keep yourself and hopefully you'll find new job, buy your own accommodation and actually see some inheritance, eventually

Id suggest you are addicted to the drama/interaction. You are getting something out of it- reinforcing that you are justified in thinking she’s awful perhaps? You need to wean yourself off your need to engage with her . Break the habit.

OP, you keep posting and it's just slight variations on the same thing every thread. It's a shitty situation for you, but the fact is nothing will change unless you change it, by saying no to her. She's not going to change; she's not going to stop being selfish and making the demands she does. You just have to say no, and stick to it, and stop caring what she says or what she expects.

Try "Mum, if a person can't manage a house move on their own, then they're not capable of living alone. So either handle it alone, or let's talk about finding residential care for you." Or "I don't agree you need to move, so I am not going to help with that". Don't get drawn into arguments, just refuse. If she gets nasty, hang up the phone. I mean, she lives in another country - it's not difficult to keep her nonsense at bay if you really want to. And for God's sake stay in a hotel when you visit. You don't need her permission, just do it. If she asks why, tell her. If she whines, tell her you'll see her tomorrow - IF she wants to behave decently - and go back to the hotel. And so on.

She won't change. Whether you will is up to you.

This situation will never change until you change. Therapy has not equipped you with any skills to disengage from your toxic mother and start living your own life.
Some advice: start weaning her off contact with you - start by only answering the phone to her 1 time out of 2, then one out of 3 and so on. Learn how to lie about why you didn't answer the phone - didn't hear it, faulty phone line...be as vague as possible.
Stop "helping" her with her fantasy plans, she's only doing this to get her narcisstic supply and hook you back in when she senses distance.
If you haven't already looked it up - "grey rock" will be your friend here.
And most of all, I think it would help you to honestly examine what you get out of all this - because that will help you break the cycle.

All very good advice. I hope OP can take it.

I have been advised by you to set boundaries before and so I did. I reduced the calls from every day to every 2 days which meant 3x a week and then further now to 2x a week which I got told off by DM the other day.
Basically when I did call her first reaction was that tone of her voice and 'well I thought your line was down as you did not bother calling me for so many days' (4 days). I said I was busy but she reacts (without actually saying it) just her puffing and punting as what could I possibly be busy with. What happened over the last week is I have had this one day a week job that I do as it is nice company and gets me out of the house weekends. This week I got a message with a lot of overtime till end of year which I took. This means extra money for me but also it means I can not come for Christmas. On top of that I may get more days soon anyway. For the rest of the days I am commited to sending my applications and managing my mental wellbeing. I know she will overreact if I tell her I am not coming this year for Christmas. The thing is in my head I feel sorry for her spending Christmas on her own but she could make up with her sister and her close cousin. On the other hand I feel like I go there every year and I cry to the pillow as she is so unpleasant to me, (prickly comments about my life, my choices, silent treatment if I defend myself), it is actually not the Christmas I want. I want to relax and be in my own bubble for once, enjoy my Christmas tree, my decorations, just be me.

Next time you speak to her set out your ground rules. Tell her if she is unkind to you in any way you will hang up. When she reacts in an unkind way to that, hang up immediately. Might take a few times but she'll get the message.

If you don't think she'll listen to you about your work, not coming fir Christmas, maybe send her a nice card saying your sorry but you will be working and won't be able to come for Christmas.

Wgen she calls in a fut of annoyance, remind her of your boundary abd if she doesn't change her tone immediately-hang up.

Your boundaries are something you are in control of. You need to be the one who keeps them firm. She can only cross your boundary if you allow her, so take back control.

@gallivantsaregood very true, I am a bit of a doormat and I am aware of it. I am a people pleaser, always have been as I desperately want to be loved. I do see that this year in particular (probebly due to therapy) I became stronger than ever.