Ingratitude

[ThinkImHavingABreakdown]

I have made a lot of sacrifices to care for my dad, and it has been incredibly challenging. I usually see him every day and spend most of my free time there so I have no real opportunity to decompress from an extremely demanding day job. My dad does sometimes express his appreciation, but he can also be very rude to me and DH (who has also made significant sacrifices to support him) and he sometimes says incredibly hurtful stuff that can't ever be unsaid.

I know that it must be incredibly difficult for him to recognise his growing dependence on us, and he is still grieving for my mum, so I do understand that he is lashing out. I also recognise that his behaviour may be an early sign of dementia (though he has always had a temper with no filter). But I feel like DH and I have largely given up our own freedom to care for him, and it really hurts to have it thrown back in our faces.

I should add that I'm well aware that it is my choice to care for him, and DH's choice to do what he does. I understand that my dad doesn't owe us any gratitude really. But we have given up so much for him, it would be nice if he could hold back at least a bit.

I know I'm probably BU because he is old, vulnerable and probably not thinking straight, but does anyone have any tips for coping with the lack of gratitude? I'm not going to walk away, before anyone suggests it, because I care too much and he doesn't have anyone else nearby that he can depend on.

Have you pulled him up on his behaviour?

Yes. He is currently not talking to me or letting me in the house because I pulled him up on the way he spoke to my DH yesterday, and subsequently on the way he spoke to me.

The trouble is, I don't think he is actually capable any more of seeing another person's point of view, he is convinced that he is the one who has been wronged. (He hasn't!)

I know he is in the wrong and if he is isolating himself, it is his own fault. But if he is behaving like this because of cognitive decline, then perhaps it isn't really his fault. Perhaps I should be more tolerant? I did show my anger yesterday, but I didn't say or do anything awful. And what I did say was fair.

He is so vulnerable and I hate the idea of him feeling sad and lonely, even if he has created the situation. And I feel so fucking guilty, even though rationally, I know it isn't my fault.

Your dad's behaviour could be a symptom of dementia. My lovely mum went through a period (2years approx) of time when she was really unkind to me and accused me of theft and said very hurtful things. I knew it was her dementia talking but it still hurt. Thankfully she lost the paranoia and hostility and is my wonderful mum again.
She's in a nursing home and I know she enjoys my visits, never remembers I've been but tells me she appreciates me visiting and expresses concern that I have my own family to think about. I'm approaching age 70 and mum thinks she's aged 40, it's really sad.

Thank you. I have wondered about dementia. His short term memory is quite poor. But he hasn't been keen on talking to the doctor about it, even though he is aware of the issue. I guess he may not want to face the reality of a diagnosis, especially if he thinks that there isn't much the doctors can do to stop it.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum by the way @thecatdidit. It sounds very difficult but it's good that she is able to enjoy your visits at least.

I sympathize with this. Can I ask whether the reason you and your DH are doing all the care is because he won't have strangers in the house? Or because he can't pay for care? Or is it more that you would feel guilty having him 'looked after' by people who aren't family?

Thanks. It's a mix, I suppose. I do feel a strong sense of responsibility for him, and I would feel terribly guilty if I wasn't doing my bit. But also, I don't think he really recognises that he needs help to the extent that he does, and so he wouldn't be inclined to pay for it. We did have someone going in regularly from a local care company to help him with the cleaning, but unfortunately he got angry with them and fired them. (I think he was quite rude to them.) He hasn't been willing to get someone else in.

He doesn't really need physical care at the moment, so a lot of what we do is just social and emotional support. But he is increasingly struggling with tasks like cooking - he gets very muddled about timings and would eat very out of date stuff without noticing, I'm always worried he is going to poison himself. Then cleaning, managing the house and garden, admin, finances - he is vulnerable to scams and we have to be quite vigilant. But he is oblivious to a lot of the practical stuff that we do, because we try to be quite subtle about it. He sees us as keeping him company, mainly, because he doesn't really think he needs much help.

This is a really hard situation, I empathise. I think so much of what I do for my dad is ‘unseen’, it’s all the little things which help to make his life run smoothly and ensure he can remain independent. He is very appreciative of my time (which is lovely) but I’m not sure he ‘sees’ all the magical work that goes into keeping his house clean or the bills paid or all the dealings with agencies and how smoothly it all seems to run. It’s because of my constant ‘Fred Flintstoning’ which keeps it all held together.

I agree that if this sort of petulant/sulky behaviour is new that it could be pointing to some kind of cognitive decline. If he won’t get assessed then you could write to his doctor with your concerns. They won’t be able to talk to you about it but next time he’s seen, they’ll at least be aware.

If he’s currently not speaking to you, perhaps you need to ‘drop the rope’. Don’t reward the behaviour by trying to contact him, just let it go. Although he’s getting muddled, doesn’t sound like he’s likely to get into trouble and if he sees you as his primary source of company, he’s soon going to miss that.

When you love your parents (despite the issues), you do feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility - I get that!

From your description of his behaviour it does sound like dementia. His inability to cook a meal indicates sequencing problems, he no longer has a mental map of what he needs to do.

The fact he is oblivious to how much help he needs, and increasing anger and rudeness are also signs. People with dementia never admit they are wrong simply because they don't believe they are. They are impervious to logic so there is no point arguing with them.

Does he still cope with his finances? One of my mother's early signs was her inability to do a simple transactions like paying bills. That, and sequencing and timing problems. She was a good cook but became unable even to grill toast.

You could try encouraging him to see the GP but he is right that a diagnosis will not help him, although it would help you understand his behaviour. If he did agree to go, you would need to go with him as otherwise you would not get a reliable story about what was said.

Dementia. They turn nasty before they lose it completely. Very nasty.

There’s 0 you can do except one vital thing. Protect yourself - years of cruelty and abuse are no good.

Remember setting yourself on fire won’t fix him. You’re in for a long haul of intensive eldercare, you need to be fit.

Try and persuade him to start POA (power of attorney) or he’ll be fucked when it gets worse. And you won’t be able to protect him.

I have wondered about dementia. His short term memory is quite poor. But he hasn't been keen on talking to the doctor about it, even though he is aware of the issue. I guess he may not want to face the reality of a diagnosis, especially if he thinks that there isn't much the doctors can do to stop it.

Sadly, if he has poor short term memory then he probably does have dementia. Short term memory issues that go beyond the odd 'senior moment' are not normal ageing.

It's not common for the person with dementia to take themselves to the doctor. It's fundamental to having dementia that they don't see they have a problem - it's everyone else! The classic route is a concerned relative calling the GP and getting a consultation for a 'routine checkup'. It's vital that a relative goes to this appointment to give the history, if he went on his own he wouldn't be able to give the correct story anyway as he doesn't remember it.

I''d say most of my patients with dementia don't believe they have dementia, even after diagnosis. It isn't denial, it's what dementia does to your brain.

He is right there isn't much the doctors can do to stop it. However a diagnosis would be immensely valuable to you and your DH. You would know the journey you are on, that he isn't ungrateful just because he's horrid, that there's no point expecting apologies. The diagnosis would also be helpful in any future capacity assessments as he starts needing care and more than you and your DH can provide - without it'll just be 'I don't want strangers in the house' and 'my daughter will do it' while you are quietly having a breakdown.

Don't forget that you are also grieving your mum. You and your DH sound so kind to provide him with so much support that he doesn't appreciate in the slightest.

People are mentioning that his behaviour could be the start of dementia but you have said that he has always had a temper with no filter so this just sounds like his personality. I presume that this has become more obvious since the death of your mum who I would imagine would have been a bit of a buffer between you and your dad.

Most adult children don't see their elderly parents every day. What would he do if you lived too far away to visit him daily? I don't think that his rudeness and lack of appreciation should go unchallenged. He is currently sulking because he was told that his behaviour to your DH was unacceptable. Don't make the first move. I understand why you won't walk away but you could reduce the amount of time you spend with him and he would still have more support than many elderly parents.

To you all this is bloody hard. The loss of sequencing (thanks for the phrase I hadn’t heard it before) is particularly upsetting when they’ve always been capable of self care before.

Anyone can get dementia - lovely people, horrid people, people who have always had a temper.

When my DM and I first met my FIL to be, we immediately thought he had dementia. I tentatively mentioned this to DH to be and MIL to be and was immediately cut off with the fact he'd always been weird so I didn't bring it up again.

2 years later the diagnosis was blatant. They hadn't noticed that he was a lot weirder than he usually was as they were so used to him being 'a bit weird'.

Do yourself a favour. Once in a while it would do you no harm to switch off your phone and walk away for the rest of the week. It won’t do him much harm either. If you are worried about him, call social services and ask for an assessment. I speak from experience. The situation you are now in could go on for 20 or more years. Don’t put your own lives and marriage on hold. Get some care in.

Oh I’m so sorry and I can empathise so much. I look after my elderly parents who are both very frail. Unlike your dad, mine are grateful and sweet but demanding and it’s seen as a given that I will give up all my free time to care for them. My DH is reasonably supportive but does resent them. It’s incredibly tough and not enough support out there for carers. Like you I work full time in a demanding job.
sorry I’ve no advice but just know you are not alone x

Thank you so much for your all of your kind and helpful messages. They have made me cry! I will take some time to process all that has been said and the helpful advice that has been given.

I am not planning to contact him today, just going to try and have a relaxing day at home. But I find it really hard not to worry about him, and would feel so guilty if something were to happen to him. I don't want to be left with any regrets...

I am in what seems like a very similar situation. I don’t really have any tips, some days I could just cry at the vitriol. I try and replace the negative thought with a positive one about something else and to not repeat either out loud of in my own head anything nasty that is said to me. I feel by not allowing the venom any head space it does help a little.
i exercise regularly, if it has been a bad day I make myself do some strenuous physical activity, even if I think I am too tired I usually find it helps.
I do feel for you.

Similar situation with elderly dad who has no idea how demanding he is.I go every day, but leave if he is being nasty. Keep it low drama - SET technique is good here, stands for Support, Empathy, Truth. So maybe, 'I want to help you and I can see that you are frustrated, but it is not acceptable for you to shout lke this and I will have to leave if you do not stop. I took him for a few walks and meals out to discuss this when he was first widowed. And now just stick to the script.

You’re wrong in that your dad does actually owe you gratitude for the care you’re both giving him. You are giving him a ton of grace and it sounds like he’s giving you none. I think it’s helpful to note the parenting roles are essentially slowly reversing and so you need to set the boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn’t. He needs to understand you don’t actually have to look after him at all, and your dh certainly doesn’t, so he does have to treat you with respect or he’ll have to rely on professionals. He’s an adult so unless he’s got dementia or a neurological condition, he actually can control the mean things he says.

I was a carer for 4 years for a relative and made seeking and securing third party care the foundation of how I helped. I continued to support them in handling their care until their ingratitude became overwhelming and was causing significant stress. I know that social services and their care is now stable and great, so I’ve pulled back my involvement. I’d suggest you do something similar or the stress and resentment will push you to breaking point.

My mum was like this in the last few years of her life. She flitted between being grateful for everything I did and behaving like an entitled teenager. It was exhausting.

Now she's gone, I can hand on heart say that I did as much as I possibly could have for her in her final days/years. Not having any guilt about that is (almost) enough to have made the bad days worth it.

I work in training for a dementia specialist chain of care villages and sadly this is very common. I understand the reticence to address it from his perspective but it isn’t fair to take it out on you even if he thinks he isn’t. I’m sorry OP it’s a really difficult situation for everyone. Unfortunately for as long as he has capacity there isn’t much you can do but keep encouraging some investigation and pulling him up on unfair behaviour. If he is growing more dependent on you and it ISN’T anything so sinister then he will soon realise and hopefully adjust his attitude. If not you’ll have to cross that bridge. I’m sorry I know it’s not much help but there are usually support groups and things in the community you should be able to access where people are going through the same and can support and advise you better x

In my county the excellent main dementia charity with day centres etc is only available to those with a diagnosis. There may be other services that you don’t yet know about that could offer something. I do know though what it’s like - my mum was so overwhelmingly distressed at being referred to memory clinic that we just abandoned the idea, even though she was very early on and might even have been one of the few who benefited from medication (though I’m certain she would never have taken it).

Communicating with people with cognitive decline is different from being with people without it. But it’s still reasonable to have boundaries.