Difficult sibling and caring for parent- boundaries without unnecessary upset?

[wannabedogwoman]

I'd be very grateful to hear experience or advice about how to retain boundaries/avoid self sacrifice when trying to help care for my elderly, recently widowed mother alongside a very difficult sibling in a way that minimises upset to our mother.

For context, my mother can do most day to day tasks for herself at the moment but cannot leave the house without help and needs a lot of help with household admin etc. Due to chronic health conditions she will definitely need more help over time. Currently I am doing all of the time consuming tasks (including weekly shopping, booking/attending many medical appointments, keeping on track of medication, household admin and organising her affairs after my father's death). I don't live nearby so do some of this from home and arrange my work/family around visiting her for at least one full day a week. Brother lives close by and pops in to check on her every few days but will not do anything time consuming. This is difficult for me but is manageable and I am starting to persuade mum to agree to some small changes to make better use of time for all of us (eg medication/shopping deliveries, paying bills by DD etc).I have started some discussions about finding out about possible external help for if/when she needs it and trying to help her to see this in a positive light (eg- if we organise another way to have some of the mundane tasks done, I will have time to take her out instead) and we've also discussed making some changes at home to help her be more independent. There could easily be a solution that we could all work with, at least for a few years.

The problem is that my brother is used manipulating our parents in to doing whatever he says, including doing a lot to help him even when they were not really well enough. He now expects that I will do the same so as well as helping mum he is putting pressure on me to do more to help him (including committing to regular child care, running errands etc). He also gets annoyed about changes I have made to make things easier and frequently tells mum that she should not have external help as 'family should look after one-another'. He is verbally aggressive when I disagree with him or say no to his demands which upsets mum. I think that his idea is that if he makes things unpleasant for me and upsetting for mum I will have no choice but to do as he says. Obviously this is distressing for mum. Whenever he has an outburst in front of her he calls in to apologise the next day and tells her how hard his life is (just general parenting/adulting stuff that we have all had to do). She always calls me afterwards to plead his case and ask me to 'just consider' doing more for him because she just wishes she could make things easier for him and she wants us to all get along. I have tried reasoning with him when he is calm but he is adamant that he is only asking me to do 'what any normal sister would want to do'. He has hinted that his stance on having external care for mum is essentially a bargaining tool- if I do more for him he will 'let' her consider this. Quite frankly if it were not for mum I would have absolutely minimal contact. But for now I am trying to find a way to make things more pleasant for mum and get her the care she needs without having to agree to give up what small amount of time I have left to myself.

That's a great response to your brother wanting you to babysit so he can go on a work night out. He really is cheeky and entitled. I wonder what his work colleagues really think about him blaming his sister for not babysitting. I can't believe that he complains to them about you. What an arsehole he is!

Brilliantly handled @wannabedogwoman expertly done. Keep saying no. He will never stop asking. My SIL is utterly brazen. Nothings stops these types.

I guarantee none of his colleagues are wondering why his sister - with a job and kids and an elderly mum - isn’t also babysitting for him. If he wants a sitter he can pay one like everybody else.

Great response - yes you’re right flattering him while saying no is a good tactic to avoid arguments.

I thought that might be the case @wannabedogwoman. I understand.

I do have a similarly difficult person in my life sadly. Things only really changed for the better once I had a lot of therapy and found my own authority in the relationship. One day I just stopped telling them everything, in fact I straight up hid things from them lots of the time, and stopped tiptoeing around them. I just sort of started acting as if they weren't there a lot of the time, hence my suggestion to you. I definitely understand why it won't work for you though.

It sounds like you are well on your way to finding a new approach that does work for you - well done on the babysitting response and well done in general for digging into the dynamic and trying to dismantle it. It's funny in the end how easy it is to use flattery to manipulate manipulative people!

Brilliant response OP, especially as you were put on the spot! Faultless really. "massaging his ego" with clever sarcasm 😄
You have proven to yourself that you've got everything it takes to tackle him in the best way - ZERO drama or aggression. Hats off to you 💐
Now just don't lose momentum, he will soon see that his shenanigans are a complete waste of time.

You could imply that the cleaner would be grateful for the work /needs the money so DM is more welcoming

What an EXCELLENT response op - I'm enjoying imagining his confusion!

This resonates so much with my situation & a very similar obstructive, manipulative B blocking & making what’s already a stressful enough situation all the worse. And an enabling mother who can’t assert her own boundaries & who he’s been abusing financially & manipulating with threats of self harm if she doesn’t comply with his wishes for years. (We are in the process of me applying to be her finance LPA to safeguard her). I feel your pain tho OP! And feel too that the stress & anguish in dealing with him (& how he impacts my mother) is much worse than that of my DM’s dementia. It seems the sibling & family dynamics really get turbo charged at these times unfortunately. I too know my role in the system (& own codependent tendencies) where instead of as so many of you wise women (& men maybe!) advise, of stepping back & letting the consequences befall them, I keep stepping in & “saving her/them”. Something that’s such a hard line to tread when your aged parent & their dementia or related conditions mean you have to care, or at least respond, in some way that any dutiful adult child would want to, as their illness or condition necessitates. It’s a nightmare! How much though is the question we probably all struggle with to an extent.

Solidarity OP & to all who’ve trodden the path. This thread has really given me the steering sense to stop getting affected & hurt on my mother’s behalf or by my DB’s manipulations (enlisting other family members & brainwashing them too). And like you all say Social Services can always be contacted if necessary who must have seen it oh so many times all before.
The thing I most related to OP is that you can very easily grey rock your brother, as I can, but he has control over your DM & exploits & abuses that. Meaning that your access to her & facilitating ber needs, is as it is for me, contingent on your brother who occupies an only too dominant role & can obstruct & sabotage & undermine her wellbeing, just because he can.
It makes it literally impossible to help. I never forecast just how difficult family dynamics would make the process of coping with ageing parents so much harder to cope with. Oh how naive I was!!

There are lots of parts to grey rock. The main goal is for them to get bored and leave you alone.

They get an emotional kick out of the tension and conflict - they are just being contrary - they don’t actually care about the details eg the cleaner they just love an opportunity to lock horns.

Step back and step up so you can see the big picture of the dynamic and you have a ‘playbook’ of responses - never reactions - to drop in with low energy, rinse and repeat.

Never let them sense any anxiety or tension because that’s the blood they are after.

Put them on an information diet. Play it like a game of bingo - you know what he will say next and have your low energy slow response bland statements ready to drop ‘No, that doesn’t work for me’ ‘No, I’m busy’ ‘No I’m not available for that’ Never give details as that’s an ‘in’ and something they can pick at.

Once he stops getting his reward of sensing your upset, agitation, tension - he will be off to seek that need elsewhere.

@wannabedogwomanthat is a great response! I need to find similar. It’s so easy to respond in the established ways - esp if you’re a guilt prone person as I am. Which is what they know only too well!

I wish I had done that. Sounds simple but it never occurred to me at the time. We went round and round in circles, my brother banning me from mums house, telling me not to phone her either, telling me I wasn’t going to be invited to her funeral. It’s totally insane. My brother didn’t even live here, he parachuted in and took over. Mum lapped up her big son being on the scene. I was the selfish one and the disgrace of a daughter, according to my brother, even though I had done the caring for years and he lived at the other side of the country and visited once or twice a year. I will never forgive him.

Honestly op. He sounds a bit unhinged!

I think with people like this you should not be scared of them ‘kicking off’ - as they use the threat of volatility as a way to silence, coerce and dominate you.

Call their bluff - let them huff and puff - expect it like a blast of bad weather - it will blow over and be ready to take yourself physically out of the storm - somewhere sheltered - walk away, end the conversation etc - don’t lock horns or fight the storm it’s futile. Drop the rope to his game leave him standing alone in his own fluster whilst you remain calm and detached.

Know that you have the power and control in these interactions - you have chosen a way to respond - he is in constant wound up reactive mode - always spoiling for a fight - he is not in command of his physiology. Laugh at the unevolved fool and don’t be swayed by or play along with your DMs delusions - just give her a tinkly laugh, raised eyebrows and shocked smirk when she’s talking rubbish - she will get the jist without having to get confrontational.

Getting ahead of your current unhealthy dynamic with your DM will free up your energy, mind and perspective to deal more effectively with your DB.

Thanks everyone. This has been really helpful. I'm sorry to hear that many of you have experienced similar.
@Labragoogle I understand what you mean about your own tendency to want to 'save' them instead of asserting boundaries. I did far too much of that when I was younger, having been encouraged by my parents to see myself of the good/strong/sensible one who would 'do the right thing' whilst Brother did stupid things and got in to trouble (always someone else's fault, of course). I distanced myself from this several decades ago when I realised I didn't want my children to see this, or the revolting way Brother treated me, as normal. I suspect that's part of the reason he is being so awkward; in his mind he feels I HAVE to engage now as Mum's on her own. Plus of course he doesn't have our parents to run after him now so he feels he has a vacancy for a support human.

@GloryGloria is quite right, I need to get on top of the dynamic with my mother but it's very difficult as she is so vulnerable at the moment and he knows exactly how to push her buttons. I'm hoping that agreeing with her that he has it hard, but repeating that I can't help will appease her until he gets the message.
@lizzyBennet08 yes, I think he is pretty unhinged, or maybe deluded is the right description as I think he firmly believes that he is hard done by and I should do as he says.

I will persevere!