Think I should ignore this text message, would you?

[dontthinkishouldreply]

Have NC’d.
My DM is late 70s and widowed late last year.
I started writing a post but got very long. So short version is this.

Was at my mums on weekend for her birthday. Asked her if she wanted to spend Christmas with us. Me, DH and our two DC plus my MIL. (The mums get on well) Was flexible in arrangements, she can stay or I can drop her home (2 hour round trip). All fine.

She then made a comment about my eldest DC who has autism. They asked about something, I said I’d help them but they needed to do xyz first. They were a bit anxious so i repeated do this then we’ll deal with that.
My mum then says when we’re alone, you need to see someone with DC, they’re anxious, they’ll have a nervous breakdown!

Half an hour later, I say to DC let’s sing nanny happy birthday, which mum doesn’t hear but sees me saying something. DC says to mum I’m ok now, mum snaps did your mum tell you to say that? No I said and DC backs this up. Was really awkward, it was time to go so we left shortly after.

Spoke this morning, she said I felt like everyone hated me last night. I just ignored and we carried on talking.

About an hour later she sends a text saying I won’t come to you for Christmas, as I wouldn’t feel welcome. But my eldest DC can visit her after Christmas apparently.

I haven’t responded so far and don’t want to. DH thinks I should call and have a conversation. She has been really over stepping recently (imo), snapped that I should educate myself on autism, was critical of me when I was dealing with SEN team, I should have apparently told
the horrible mums in DCs infant school to fuck off! This was over 10 years ago!
Don’t know what to do.

Give her a breezy ok and most importantly take her at her word

i would reply saying ‘okay’, and leave it at that. then when she inevitably changes her mind, tell her you have already organised food etc and there won’t be enough for her as she told you she wasn’t coming

I don't really understand what you fell out over tbh, but it doesn't sound (if I'm getting the gist) all that serious? If she's saying she won't come for Christmas over it, I'd probably say "we would like you to come, but it's your decision. Please let me know before such and such a date"

Elderly people get tetchy and temperamental. You almost need to factor it in and forgive it a bit like you would if your child had a tantrum. You move on. I guess everyone has their tolerances for these things but she just sounds a bit attention seeking to me.

Just ignore - factor her in the numbers and ask again when things have blown over and it’s a bit nearer Christmas. I doubt she’ll want to miss out but let her save face first.

Thank you for responses so far.
@NotItsyBitsyNorTeenyWeeny I’m aware it sounds petty, it probably is. It’s a sort of, you had to be there. I guess it’s the tone taken towards me. And then the spinning it round that she won’t feel welcome. I just feel like she really oversteps with my eldest. They are very close, but I’m the mum not her.
I might have read it on Mumsnet, but unwanted advise is criticism. All the things I mentioned have happened in last few weeks. I’m just expected to take that but any reaction is viewed negatively by her and now saying she won’t feel welcome.

@Screamingabdabz thank you for that. That’s actually really helpful.

Reply 'no worries thanks for letting me know'

Then await the U turn 🙄

Will this be her first christmas since being widowed? I'd cut her a bit of slack as grief can include anger and resentment. So perhaps just a light message to remind her she's welcome and can make a decision nearer the time. It is only September after all. Good luck.

Yes, I would give you both a bit of time. Then broach the subject again. She won't be looking forward to her first Christmas without your father. As a person gets older, the feeling of loss can be very great. Even before a significant death.

I think it depends on the context, is this typical behaviour for your mum, were you surprised by this is or it pretty par for the course. My mum would absolutely say something like this and this has nothing to do with her age as she's been like it forever, she is incredibly emotionally immature. I have to have very firm boundaries with her to enable me to have any kind of relationship with her. In that context a simple ok thanks for letting me know would be appropriate. However, if this is a recent change in behaviour and way of being with you then it may well be as a result of her grief or possibly signs of early dementia and in both cases I'd be much more open to being the adult and trying to reach out and discuss it further.

Thank you for responses.
Yes first Christmas without my dad.
Definitely more tetchy than previously, but not dementia.
Since I last posted, she has called me up and wanted to know how DC1 is. She is totally overstepping in her words and actions. I don’t want to say much more, as it is related to my DC’s health but me and DH absolutely have their best interests at the centre of everything we do, as I’m sure most parents do.
I think the Christmas thing is a red herring.
But I am going to have to tell her kindly to back off, it all feels very undermining.
Thanks again everyone who replied.

It feels like quite a manipulative statement from your Mum but given she’’a Newly widowed I’d cut her a bit of slack.

I’d reply, “that’s disappointing, you are always welcome. Do let me know if you change your mind.”

I wouldn't raise it again but I’d buy enough food on the basis that she will no doubt change her mind at the last minute.

As an elderly person with hearing problems, I wonder if your mum has any hearing problems. I found it very frustrating being excluded from family conversations

That is a very good point. When you don't hear properly, you can rightly or wrongly, fill in the gaps.

I’d probably reply something along the lines ‘that’s a shame we were looking forward to having you here but thanks for letting us know’.
It can be hard to follow conversations, hear as well as youngsters, plus living on her own means she has a lot of time to dwell on things.