Alcoholic elderly parent - care home?

[Octavia64]

My mother is getting increasingly forgetful and struggling with everyday life.

her mother died of vascular dementia and it’s possible she has this. She will not see a doctor or take any pills for anything because she hates doctors.

under normal circumstances we’d be discussing care etc.

however, she is an alcoholic. She drinks every day, usually a half bottle of wine in the evening with dinner. She’s extremely resistant to any attempts to get her to cut down.

she has lost a LOT of weight recently and frankly looks on the verge of death.

does anyone have any experience of this type of situation and what if any support can be offered. I am assuming most care homes would not be ok with residents getting falling over drunk at meal times.

i am seriously physically disabled myself and also live with my autistic daughter (who my mother hates) so she cannot move in with me nor I with her.

any advice/stories?

if shes lost a lot of weight, then it might be that she doesnt have much time left. Same happened to my mil.
your best speaking to care homes and seeing they have spaces and if they would take her with her drinking.

Very similar to my MIL and honestly my advice is to consider whether she would choose to drink herself to death, or go into a care home. What would she want/prefer?

I say this because I’ve had a long journey with ‘capacity’ assessments and diagnosis. I know it is horrendous to watch the slow car crash and feel powerless and like you should help or step in.

You could make a safe-guarding referral to social services - so you can feel you’ve taken action that allows the professionals to step in. You could write to her GP so the NHS are aware and could step in. They might or might not but at least you’ve told them.

I did put my DF in a (lovely, well run) nursing home, he’s not a drinker (but has multiple health issues and was very resistant). DF has certainly been able to have the odd drink in the care home but he is quite unhappy at times and I think he’d have preferred to die at home.

If she would willingly go into a Care Home you’ll need to consider how it’s going to be funded. If she can pay for it herself or if you want a funded place. Getting funding isn’t going to be easy.

Unfortunately most people who get funding after a fall or illness has got them into hospital and the they’ve had a full assessment and deemed not safe to be at home.

This doesn’t always work though as they can have dementia and still have capacity and refuse the care. Looking at you “”D”M then it’s just a case of waiting for the next crisis to happen.

I would though write to her GP with your concerns and say that you think she may have a drink problem, memory loss and you’re worried about her having an accident and ending up in Hospital. If you can email it, even better as there will be a trace of you raising concerns.

You can also request a Care Needs Assessment for her although you will probably need to be there when it’s done and from experience they don’t always tell you.

OP, how much is she actually drinking? Half a bottle/a couple of glasses with dinner shouldn't get her falling over drunk if she's used to drinking that much.

My sister was an alcoholic and lost a lot of weight in the months before she died.

I think a lot depends on the care homes available. You do get care homes that cater for alcoholics. My DF wasn't an alcoholic or able to help himself to booze by this point, but the rooms had small kitchenettes where residents were able to store their own food and drink, and another one I worked at had a small communal area for residents to drink and smoke in.

I'd be tempted to let her get on with it but the flip side is it might be dangerous for others around her if she forgets she's left the cooker on and that sort of thing.

If she stays at home then someone is also inevitably going to go in and check on her and find her very ill or worse, which is what happened to my sister. On the other hand my Dad, who was in a home for a long time, had every intervention available and it kept him alive for far longer than was humane.

I also had an elderly uncle I never met who was estranged and an alcoholic (it runs in the family unfortunately), I think he'd managed to stop drinking latterly and was in a care home.

Going from drinking heavily to stopping drinking straight away has its own hazards and the care home and GP would need to be involved with monitoring.

In short your Mum won't unfortunately be the first or last person with an alcohol issue to need care, I'd start by speaking to agencies in your local area to find out what care might be available. Homecare might be an option?

Thanks to all for responses.

she can afford care, has multiple pensions and family inheritances and also owns her own home.

she has always drunk quite a lot but has recently dialled it down and it’s on average half a bottle a night.

she is now very very thin - as in not much muscle left on her at all - which is probably why the alcohol is now having more of an effect than it was. She was a size 12 two years ago, size 10 last year and now down to a size 6/8.

she’s also recently lost all of her back molars which has cut down the amount she is eating (which was never very much) as she now can’t chew food and is so eating soups, pasta and sauce etc.

realistically leaving her to get on with it is I suspect the only available option but I do worry about how much she’s reliant on her neighbours - she recently tried to top up the heating system which the plumber had taught her how to do, left it topping up for hours and then realised it was massively over-pressured.
her neighbour came and bled a radiator and fixed it but this sort of thing is now quite a frequent occurrence.

Adult social services for a full assessment.

What makes you sure she's an alcoholic? Lots of people drink half a bottle a day or the equivalent. Most alcoholics drink way more than that.

I think she must be having cognitive issues if she's falling over, rather than being blind drunk.

Half a bottle a night is obviously habitual drinking. But it's kind of low to be thought of as raging alcoholism.

My auntie was an alcoholic and she drank about four bottles of wine a day.

I thought half a bottle every night was classed as alcoholism?

I don't believe alcoholism is defined in terms of amounts; it's about the dependency. But if it was defined as half a bottle (about 5 units), the UK would have millions of alcoholics.

Thanks for the comments that suggest a half bottle a night is low.

for what it’s worth she’s been drinking at that level for about three decades (at least) and it didn’t used to really impact her.

she always drinks with the evening meal, never before except at Christmas. In the last couple of years she’s visibly impacted after the first glass - starts telling random stories and can’t respond to other conversation - and after two glasses she’s pretty incoherent - you get words and phrases but not full sentences. Three glasses and I have to put her to bed as she can’t talk or walk.

interesting that people think it may not be the alcohol.

Nutritionally your mother is in a pickle. She needs more calories you need professional advice here. She also needs dental care. Has she lost height, become stooped. I'm wondering about vitamin deficiency with the tooth loss, or osteoporosis.

How old is she?

She’s just turned 80.

she sees the dentist yearly and the hygienist every six months.
won’t have dentures as her mil had dentures and apparently they were a nightmare.

yes she’s lost some height. Not noticeably stooped (does yoga and tai chi).

everyone and his dog tells her to eat. She thinks it’s amusing in a “haha the fat people want me to eat more” sort of way.

she’s in the WI, friends of the local library, does voluntary work for the local hospice (my dad died there) and has friends coming out of her ears (she’s lived there 50 years and was a teacher). They all tell her to eat. She completely ignores all of us.

I might try getting her to take a multivitamin tablet daily when I next see her. She might be up for that.

It's not low - it's about 35 units a week, which is more than double the recommended level. It's not what anyone would call healthy. But it would be low by the standards of alcoholics. I think you need to keep an open mind - consider that she may be developing dementia but also do some research on how alcohol can interact with the symptoms. Drinking a bit too much, consistently, over decades (without actual alcoholism) is known to increase the risk of dementia.

My ex could drink 12 bottles of wine over a regular weekend.

3.5 bottles isn't a huge amount but could be classed as problem drinking, especially in someone with additional health concerns.

My aunt's care home (bupa, if that makes a difference, ££££, but not specifically dealing with alcoholic residents) encourage residents to have a tipple at dinner if that's what they fancied. They also have their own 'pub' which is open a couple of afternoons a week. We joke that my aunt might like some coffee in her Baileys the amount my dad pours her on our visits. So it is possible.

There's self tests available for all sorts of things these days. Iron deficiency, diabetes, vitamin deficiency. If she'd be up for it you could test her. Then get the right vitamins down her.

I'd assumed she was drinking before dinner as well as having half a bottle with her meal; it honestly sounds like something else. I'd ignore what i said upthread as it was based on experience of people who drank a lot more.

I would definitely not label her as an alcoholic. I think the main issue is that she needs more help than she's getting. But it doesnt sound like she needs a care home yet either, if she's still quite active.

This is useful in thinking about what is or isn't problematic alcohol intake

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse/

Alcoholic is such a loaded term and comes with many preconceptions. Which is why it is more useful to think about problem drinking and alcohol misuse.

A freiend of mine was a functioning alcoholic. He’s now in a care home. He can have a drink if he wants it. But he barely touches the stuff anymore. He’s also given up
smoking his pipe.

If she’s still doing things like Tai chi and yoga and is living a reasonably functioning life, I’d leave it for now. Although 80 is old, it’s not that old.
You could report to SS and GP for her memory loss. That should be assessed.
But it doesn’t sound like care home territory yet.