Mum driving me mad

[SmugglersHaunt]

My dad died nearly four years ago. Since then I see my 88-year-old mum every three-four weeks (she’s 4+ hours away) and speak to her at least once a day on video.

In that time, she’s told me nearly every day that she wishes she was dead. She either says this explicitly or couched in other ways “I wish I hadn’t woken up” etc.

Along with my brother (who is awful but that’s another story) we do everything for her - sort out carers, funding etc etc. She’s been to the doctor multiple times, is on antidepressants. She has a couple of minor physical issues - bad back, hiatus hernia and tiredness.

I don’t know why I’m posting but I feel like it’s starting to send me over the edge. I’ve tried everything for her but I’m now angry and resentful of her. Any tips on how to cope/help gratefully received!

Her main carer has told me that my mum often “stages” herself in her chair before I speak to her on video so that she looks/sounds worse than she actually was before I called!

That sounds really hard OP - I don't really have any useful advice but is she trying to spur you to action in terms of e.g. moving closer to her? Or moving her in with you?

Have you talked about a residential home as an alternative?

I'd reduce the video calls to maybe two or three a week - max!

How do you respond to her when she says these things? Have you told her how it makes you feel?

Thanks - so I’ve asked her those things before, but she doesn’t want to go into a home (and couldn’t afford it anyway) and I can’t move due to work (and would send me (even more) insane). I think she just wants sympathy all the time but I find it very draining

Thanks - I try to only call once a day if work is busy. I occasionally tell her how hard it is to hear and she apologises but it makes no difference! She’s just back to the same the next day. I suspect it’s just a case of going through it

I can sympathise with this as my mum
has said the same thing for many years, even before my dad died. It’s very hard to hear and I’m not sure how she expects me to respond. I read lots of posts advising that we’re not responsible for someone else’s happiness but it’s hard to deal with.

Ignore her complaints. She stages herself. Ok. So she is fine. It is all words. Manage your reaction to this....may be her husband was her world, social companion etc .

Id either ignore it like you didn't hear her or respond at each mention " well you're 88, you don't have long to wait now. "

It sounds as if your mum has never learned how to manage her emotions and therefore turns to “manipulation” for want of a better word. Maybe try something like “I know it’s hard for you, Mum. Shall we have 5 minutes to discuss it then move onto some other topic” and, personally, I would not video call everyday as long as your mum is safe and sees her carer every day. Could you do more phone calls rather than video? You need to protect your own health too.

Why does it have to be a video call? Have her on speaker while you’re doing something else, and when she starts the little routine tell her you’re not going to listen and will hang up if she keeps going. If you hang up then don’t call the next day. She’ll work it out. It’s selfish and manipulative and the only person it’s affecting is you.

If she's doing it for sympathy, then not giving her any is likely to reduce how often she does it. Don't reward the behaviour by engaging.

Change the video calls to once a week. Phone (no video) maybe a couple of other times per week so you can do something else at the same time. Then she can just drone on, and you can go “mmm” every so often to show you’re listening but it’s less of an impact on you.

Is there a local caring agency or charity that offers companionship visits? That would give her another face to see.

God I’m sorry - it’s horrible isn’t it? And I don’t know about your mum but mine either doesn’t realise or doesn’t care about the effect it has. I feel like I’m falling into a depression

Thanks - she just wants sympathy all the time. After moaning for ages she’ll often say “I feel like I’m moaning all the time” and I know (from childhood) my response is supposed to be along the lines of “no mum it’s fine, you’re not moaning etc etc” - essentially I spent my childhood walking on eggshells and trying to make sure she was “all right”. It’s very hard to not do that - but now I try to change the subject

Thanks- that actually made me laugh!

Thanks - yes it’s very hard to get out of the video calls now as she’s come to expect them (my fault entirely). I do try to reduce the number of them and I get a couple of days’ break from them when my brother is there

I’m trying to not engage as much, and am almost at Olympic-level subject-changing now but she’s incredibly good at starting every sentence with “I feel…” which makes me want to scream!

Thanks - I’ll try but it’s very hard (I think it’s a lifetime of my learned behaviour!)

She sees a lot of different people every week but it doesn’t seem to help - I feel like I’ve tried everything (or near enough). I think she doesn’t want help, she wants sympathy which is a different (and more difficult) thing. I know I can’t go on like this though

Each time she starts say you've got enough negativity in your life so you're going to go now and you'll call her in a couple of days. Leave the gap between calls longer each time.

My 95 year old mother is the same, always dwelling on negative and wanting everything done for her. As long as your mum is safe, stop enabling her behaviour. Speak once or twice a week and if she’s constantly moaning without real cause, change the subject. Good luck to us both.

I agree with PPs who suggest limiting the number of calls per week. This will probably feel awful at the beginning and you will feel very guilty, but it can be done. You have a right (and, I would say, a duty) to protect your own wellbeing first.

I found that though it was hard to hold those boundaries with my parent, it made me more patient with them when we did speak. I do manage their expectations around contact. They don't like it, but if they hint at wanting to see me/talk to me more often I just breezily say how much I enjoy seeing them and how much I'm looking forward to the next time.

It may have helped that I was very up front with them that I had worries about my own health and was trying to put better self-care strategies in place (which included not having multiple, draining, sometimes hour-long phone calls a day with them, though I didn't put it like that). They frame it as 'me being very busy' and I cheerfully confirm that yes, I am very busy, and sometimes quite stressed, but overall doing OK. Then I can make a bit of space for hearing about my parent's worries and low mood. Good luck.

It is horrible. She’s actually said it again this morning. I’m not well so can’t go to see her and she’s made it all about her. I made an excuse and just said I needed to go.