Supporting Dad in NC Brother’s House

[Lmnsccb]

Elderly Dad has been living in NC brother’s house since 2021 after selling his house to move closer to us for support. Since then, he’s seen various houses, had them surveyed and rejected them when problems were identified.
I can only see him when I take his weekly shop round and make his meals, so can’t give the support that I see he needs as I’m not as present as I was before he moved out of his own home.
Realistically, I think he needs more support, and my brother isn’t providing any, apart from a space to live, picks up his meds, takes him for a daily walk around the block. There’s so much more that needs doing.
I don’t like the arrangement and find it stressful having to go to my brothers house to support him. He doesn’t really speak to me about anything meaningful anymore, just pleasantries, a bit cagey, because he’s living with NC brother, I suppose. I work full time and have to provide an advanced time and date to see my dad, when it is convenient for my non working brother.
Dad has just rejected yet another house.
Would it be unreasonable for me to look at support that he could get from the council list of vetted care services instead? I feel guilty about this but I feel that not having to go to my brothers to see my dad would improve my wellbeing.
Maybe I could pick him up, take him out instead, just be a daughter.
Any thoughts, suggestions? Am I being selfish or sensible to put boundaries in place for my own wellbeing?
Life is already stressful enough without this situation. I can’t see him ever leaving NC brother’s house.

Well I spoke to my Dad again yesterday about all of my concerns. He said he will ask my brother again about the old mobile phone. I will have to remind him to do that though as I expect he has already forgotten.

He just got annoyed with me again when I reminded him that he’s been house hunting for 5 years.

As long as his immediate needs are being met, he doesn’t seem bothered about anything else.

In my experience, if he isn’t bothered, nobody else will be bothered.

You have POA and he doesn't have capacity so of course he isn't bothered.

That's your job. You are passively allowing this abuse to take place because you can't be bothered to woman up and take it further. You should be removing his access to his accounts and his ability to give or lose access to other people, using the money to consult a solicitor, engage with social services and removing him from your brothers home. Or you can let this happen and wait for a point in time when the money runs out and your brother claims your father spent it and makes him your problem as executor and the person legally responsible for your father.

I don’t think I could do any of the above without my family having a formal capacity assessment. It’s all helpful though.

I think it might be best if I ask for him to be referred to the memory clinic first and go from there.

You either already have POA, or POA paperwork completed in the event he loses physical or mental capacity. If the latter, then yes you would need an assessment.

POA paperwork is completed in the event he loses capacity.