Dad’s Partner Racist

[ExpKitty100]

That is it in a nutshell tbh and it’s breaking my heart / doing my head in simultaneously.
My dad is late 70s, his long term partner a few years older. Whilst I don’t doubt their love for one another and feel thankful for this, every encounter brings another comment, another nudge / eye roll that I find abhorrent. My Dad is not well therefore I am keen to see him
as much as possible at the moment. Meeting him rarely happens without his partner however, given they live together. They have been partners for getting on 18 years. I can’t recall my Dad having challenging views on race etc before they met. Whilst he doesn’t offer up any of his own he allows his partner to speak freely, without challenge. I find it sickening. Whilst I am thankful my Dad has someone to love and care for him , how do I create boundaries for myself and in particular my son (11 years) whilst not sacrificing the relationship with my Dad? Any advice gratefully received.

Controversial, but what the heck
I think everything I say is controversial these days on MN

So, what do you actually mean by racist? One of my school friends mums has got remarried. She calmly told me that she could not invite me to the wedding because "my partner wouldn't have someone like you there"

It was so shocking it took me awhile to compute it. So this is a lady who has had me around her house loads when I was a teenager. I'm not aware of her having a problem with my skin colour. I would say she and her first husband were never anything less than completely kind and caring towards me. And I genuinely felt like part of the family.

My friend now sees her mum as little as possible. Probably once or twice in the three years since she got married. (Didn't attend. the wedding) She did have a conversation with her mum about marrying a raging racist. But her mum is happy with this guy and happy to overlook his racism and happy to never to have a non-white person in her life as a friend ever again.

Is that the kind of situation you're looking at? In that case, I would say you can only ever see your dad on his own. Like you, my friend doesn't want to expose her children to the racist guy.

I think you have to make it really clear to your DF. If he wants to see his DGC then he needs to be alone or his DP needs to keep her opinions to herself and leave it up to him to decide. I do suspect though that he will choose his DP. At least then it’s his decision.

And @EmeraldRoulettethat is horrific. I’m so sorry you had to deal with such utterly shocking behaviour from them.

Was it not that poster’s friend not her?

You will not convince your dad and you will not change her behaviour.
All you can do is tell your dad calmly that he can see your son at your house alone.
Don’t be emotional about it - just factual.

Totally agree with this.

I feel that when she says something racist you can say that you respect that she has her own views but they are different from yours and like you wouldn’t inflict your opinions on her that you would appreciate it if she didn’t discuss her views with you. Let’s agree to disagree kind of situation. She will think her views are correct and no point challenging them but you can ask her not to talk about. There is no reason to apart from to provoke a reaction and I do wonder if that’s the case , if so , you are stuffed. There will be no stopping her.

Thanks all for the responses. I’m so sorry to hear about your friend @EmeraldRoulette . That’s really tough to read.
In response to your question @EmeraldRoulette, for me at least, it’s less about whether we label someone as ‘racist’ (which can be provocative I appreciate ) and more about whether the words or actions potentially cause harm. Even if they didn’t mean it that way, impact matters. I don’t have a similar example to share however I know that if certain communities / groups & bystanders overheard my DF’s partners comments and insults they would ,and should be, incredibly offended. I’m glad you questioned. It’s a reminder that words from my side matter too. Labelling isn’t always helpful. When the time comes for a convo with my Dad then it’s the impact that the foul words and references etc his partner uses that I can focus on as the issue, rather than accusatory labels. Thanks again